Kramden Golf League

8/17/2024

Ralph Kramden, the namesake of our golf league, was a member of The Loyal Order of Raccoons. History notes that this fraternal lodge held a yearly two-man golf tournament featuring good camaraderie while downing numerous beverages of the adult variety. Whereas the beverage downing is optional, the camaraderie is mandatory.

The Ralph Kramden Golf League Board of Directors in conjunction with all of its world-wide members and the Northville Hills Golf Club, an Arnold Palmer designed Signature Course proudly present the 2024 Raccoon Classic. Our featured 18 Hole Championship Match is between the 2023 Defending Champion Tim Martin and Greg Polkowski. Martin advanced to today's Final with an 8-2 victory over Ken Anderson while Polkowski won 8-2 against Mark Zalewski in Friday night's Final Four. Congrats to both Mr. Anderson and Mr. Zalewski for winning their divisions. There are 24 other league members very envious of your accomplishments. And finally, best of luck to our two finalists...

Greg Polkowski vs. Tim Martin +3 The Championship Match is worth 21 points. There are two 10 point matches , Front & Back, scored as we always do during regular League play. The final point, #21, is for the total scores of the 18 holes. For example if Greg shoots 80 and is giving Tim 3 shots a side for a total of 6 shots for the match and if Tim shoots 87 or higher, Greg wins the final point. If Tim shoots 85 or better, Tim wins the point. If Tim shoots 86, the point is split. In the event of a tie, 10.5 to 10.5, a playoff ensues.

The team event is split into 3 parts:

Holes 1 thru 6 are better-ball with handicap
Holes 7 thru 12 are alternate shot
Holes 13 thru 18 are a scramble

1 - 6: Play your own ball until holed. Mark the scorecard. Pick the better score of the two.
7-12: One player tees off on the even holes, the other on the odd holes. Alternate shots until ball holed. Team plays one ball tee to green. Player may use his own ball once on the green.
13-18: 2-Man Scramble
*NOTE: Scorecards will be provided for each 4some.

THE PAIRINGS
12:03 Dan Danlovich & David Kisic / Bruce Romeo & Russell Zarras
12:11 Terry Celano & Jeff Balaka / Jeff Hartzel & Jon Knight
12:19 Mike Curmi & Bob Macek / Jamie Benko & Don Taylor
12:27 Russell Lynch & Gary Novak / Ken Anderson & Jeff Tanderys
12:35 Randy Walla & Greg Prokop / Joe Ranusch & Jimmy Walla
12:43 Mark Zalewski & Raja Dave / Jeff Pendrick & Jack Reseigh
12:51 Terry Smith & Rick DaPra / Greg Polkowski v. Tim Martin +3 per side

$10 entry fee per man. C2Pins are worth $25 each. $400 skin pot.
1st = $150, 2nd = $90, 3rd = $75, 4th = $60, 5th = $45, 6th = $30

"Ask not what your golf league can do for you, ask what you can do for your golf league." The size of our prize purses is directly proportional to the generosity of good-hearted men like Terry Celano and Tim Martin. They have asked the question "what can I do for my golf league?" and they have answered every year. Gentlemen, Your fellow Kramdenites acknowledge you and your deeds and appreciate all that you have done for us and for the success of this league. Hail, hail and thank you. Let us enjoy the day...

8/16/2024

While today may not be perfect, there remains a window of opportunity to get the round in, determine our Finalists, and crown a new 3-Man Shambles Championship team. Bigger than all that, though, is a chance to wish SIERRA HAPPY BIRTHDAY, which will actually be MONDAY AUGUST 19. Brighten her day the way she brightens all of ours. As for the golf, please don't sit home or at the pub awaiting your scheduled tee time, but please drag your sloppy ass to the course on the chance your group can play earlier and perhaps beat the storms. We don't know what lies ahead today, but we can be prepared. This includes perhaps moving the FINAL FOUR to the Back 9 to help insure the completion of their anointed rounds, as we postmen like to say. Not saying we can, saying we might, if necessary. Padraig Joseph Harrington has cancelled his travel plans to play today's event, and will be replacing the ailing Commish.

The Raccoon Classic is Sunday at Northville Hills, with the first tee time at 12:03 pm, with Jeff Pendrick and Jack Reseigh defending their 2023 championship. The 18 hole League Championship features the winners of today's matches between 2023 League Champion Tim Martin and Ken Anderson, and the match between Mark Zalewski and Greg Polkowski. The remaining Raccoon teams will be announced Saturday Morning. It is my intention that no two members of the Arnold Palmer division will partner together.

8/14/2024

NEWS & NOTES:
Most of the battles for the top spot of each division were not competitive, with the exception of the ARNOLD PALMER where defending Champion Tim Martin bested Bruce Romeo 6-4, 47 - 50 to win the crown by a single point. For ratings purposes, the FINAL FOUR has been moved back to the final tee time to draw in the late-arriving west coast audience and perhaps give curious Kramdenites a chance to view the proceedings...

Don Taylor made a valiant effort to cancel the Annual Skin Eagle on #15 held by TIGER WOODS division champion Greg Polkowski, leaving his 20 foot uphill putt inches shy of glory, so Polk holds on to half the pot for his Eagle on that hole and splits the prize along with Jeff Pendrick, who had the lone birdie by League members on #7 this season. Skin Game Czar Dan Danlovich will reveal the jackpot amount as soon as the collection is completed...

The 3-Man Shambles requires at least 2 tee shots by each member of the team, so please use the initials of the tee-baller beneath the team score on the scorecard and circle the birdies. The standard $10 entry fee is asked for from each member of the 28 man field, including the FINAL FOUR. Skins and Closest-to-the-Pin awards will be paid. The top three teams will split prize money tentatively scheduled to be: $150 1st place, $90 2nd, $60 3rd. In case of a tie, co-champions will be declared. No playoff will be held. However, any 5-5 tie in the FINAL FOUR matches will result in a playoff to determine Sunday's Finalist... Again, only one person has declared themselves absent for Sunday's Raccoon Classic at Northville Hills with the first tee time at 12:03 PM. The defending CHAMPIONS Jeff Pendrick and Jack Reseigh will defend their titles. The first 6 holes of the RC are best ball with handicap. Each man plays his own ball until completion. The next 6 holes, 7 thru 12, are alternate shot. Note: one team member hits the tee shot on the odd holes and the other member tees off on the even holes. #7 is a long par 5, #9 is the toughest on the course in my opinion and the approach shot involves carrying a water hazard. #11 is a longish par 3 so on my team, the better driver of the golf ball will hit those tee shots. Your strategy may differ. Finally, the Big Finish, holes 13 thru 18, is a basic two-man scramble...

Stay tuned for the budget report to be released soon, and consider your participation for any Fall League action Friday nights at Salem Hills beginning 4 days after Labor Day. Also, if you need to swap your Friday tee time for a reasonable purpose, I will as always seek to accommodate you. Thanks, JR

8/4/2024

NEWS & NOTES:
We had two last minute cancellations Friday, but when our tee times approached, appearing, as if by magic, two veteran Kramdenites Brian Leggert and Former Champion and winner of $105 Kramden Cash this season, Kevin Cotter. Always good to see old friends. Seeing old friends and making new ones are one of the reasons the League exists. Thanks to subs like the aforementioned and our Usual Suspects Bob Macek, Debbie Smith, Bob Gorczycka, Pat Wilson, Tim Kelly, Mark Szerlag, John Armstrong, Bob Grimm, Andre the Great, Tom Higgins and Kozy Jon Koziel, the sub fund has reached $520. And it's still growing. (That's what she said.)

This week playing two matches to reach our seasonal goal of 16 are: Jimmy Walla, Greg Prokop, the Fabulous Raja a.k.a. Raja Dave, Dave Kisic and Jon Knight. Those having completed their season and not appearing are Mike Curmi and Russ Zarras. Those having completed their seasons and playing exhibition matches this week include Jamie Benko, the Commish and Pat Harrington. Say so long for now to Mr. Harrington, who is making his final 2024 League appearance this week finishing with an impressive 10-5-1 record and $165 in winnings.

In a corresponding move, Bob Macek has joined the field for the Raccoon Classic. The attached standings sheet has NOT had the averages adjusted, and others of you who may miss this week, August 9, please inform me ASAP. Barring any contradictory evidence, it does appear as though Jeff Pendrick has captured the Sole Front 9 Annual Skin with his birdie on #7 this week highlighted by a five iron to a foot. Nice phrase, "five iron to a foot." Congrats Jeff. The Annual Skin game concludes this week on the Back 9 where Greg Polkowski holds a potential winner with his EAGLE on #15. Kevin Cotter's Eagle on #18 is discounted due to his "carpetbagger" status. Carpetbagger not approved, carpetmuncher approved. Finally, a new name appears atop the 2024 Money list. See you soon, JR

7/30/2024

Gentlemen, We were a little short on our "collection" last week so as this is a Gentlemen's League those who were unable to connect with Tim Martin last week can do so tonight. Only more so of course. I am also making an appearance having successfully conquered both the airline industry and the west coast and will be helping out Tim....

Our Handi-Skin$ Game featured our first carryover of the season, and was split 3-ways by Mr. Zarras, Mr. Kisic and Mr. Lynch. In fact, Rusty Lynch fired a nifty 38 and also won Under Average #1. To celebrate, Lynch will take next week off, August 9th... Others missing the 9th besides Lynch and Curmi should let me know ASAP so we can possibly get all 16 of your matches scheduled. Alas, some of you will fall short of the magical number of 16, but will have had a wonderful season nonetheless. For those out this week like Jimmy and The Fabulous Raja, let me know as I hope to complete the schedule Wednesday...

We've all heard of the "Bakers' Dozen", most often associated with a donut shop giving a customer a 13th donut in appreciation of their purchase of 12, but last week the league had their first "Benkos' Dozen" in recognition of Jamie's octuple bogey 12 on the par 4 13th hole, good for a net 11. Former League Champion Jamie Benko still managed to split his match 5-5 against Former League Champion Terry Celano. Simply put, things escalated quickly...

7/20/2024

Item #1: Who is going to miss this week July 26 aside from Jeff Tanderys and myself?

Item #2: Who is going to miss The Raccoon Classic Sunday August 18 at Northville Hills?

Medalist #1 is actually a three-way tie between Ken Anderson, Greg Prokop, and Greg Polkowski who all shot fine rounds of 38 Friday. While Top-Flighter dinosaurs Mark Zalewski and Dan Danlovich were off grazing elsewhere and top-ranked Jeff Pendrick made 2 double bogeys en route to a crappy 39, these new generation Kramden stars are showing off their games. Anderson and Polkowski have comfortable leads in their divisions and The Polkie Man has the lone skin so far in our Annual Skin$ Game with his EAGLE on #18. See Danlovich this week with your $20 entry.

Player of the Week: The Fabulous Raja. He's clearly "got game" and it's certainly not golf. Play on "player".

The Health Department has discovered The Jack Nicklaus Division to be riddled with the e-coli virus and has shut it down for the season out of concern for the safety of the members. The division will be represented in the August 16th Playoffs by its current leader, some guy named Joe Ranusch. Ranusch says he will "do his best to represent the Nicklaus division." The Nicklaus winner faces off against the winner of the Tiger Woods. Palmer plays Trevino. Like all Supreme Courts, the Kramden Supreme Court returns from its summer recess the first week in October and any appeals can be filed then.

Go Get 'Em Tigers: 10 wins out of 12. Keep Skubal. Re-Sign Flaherty. Spend some cash on some decent free agents with a bat. Management is not smart enough to make a good trade or draft a good prospect. They only draft high-school kids who will sign for cheaper amounts than college prospects. I hope you are boycotting Little Caesars Pizza to send a message to its rotten owner Chris " Mr. Potter" Illitch and for your own health.

Finally, as we enter the month of August let us discuss your individual participation in The Fall League which commences the Friday after Labor Day. Historically we play for 6 weeks but that's weather dependent.

7/19/2024

Correction to last week's newsletter regarding the C2Pin contest, the winners were Bob Macek on #14 and Randy Walla on #17. It was Macek's second consecutive week with a C2P and Bob also won a Skin with his birdie on the fourteenth. In fact, our loyal subs swept the Skin$ Game as the Mysterious Andre won #17. Congrats men...

Previously I had been singing the praises about the renaissance of Detroit city centering around the Lions, the NFL Draft, the revived Grand Central Station and the first population increase in 43 years mostly due to the number of Pat Harrington drinking buddies. Naturally, there was a return to form this past week as the Belle Isle beach was closed because of high levels of e-coli. As Willie Nelson likes to say, "You can dress up a pig, slap some lipstick on it and take it to the big dance, but it's still a pig." The Lions are good though...

Jeff Tanderys is gone next week. Any others? August 2? August 9? I know Mike Curmi is out OUT August 9. Let me know as the season is coming down the homestretch and we'd like everyone to have 16 matches complete after August 9. August 16 is The Final Four semi-playoffs in conjunction with the 3 Man Shambles. Sunday August 18 we play at Northville Hills where there is a dress code, collared shirts and no jeans. On the bright side, chicks are allowed to go topless...

7/14/2024

Go get 'em Tigers ... Grrrr! Two great comebacks over the Dodgers and now the All-Star break gives everybody time to catch Tiger fever. Also staging a comeback has been the city of Detroit with the success of the Lions, the excitement of the NFL Draft and for the first time in 43 years, an increase in population. Most of that increase has been the number of Pat Harrington drinking buddies. Padraig's point total has also been increasing of late after beating both Zarras and the Commish Friday, two former Champions. As for this years' Champion, the Nicklaus division appears to be between the Z boys, Zalewski and Zarras who trails Mark by 12.5 but has two matches in hand. Full of anger and full of golf game, Jeff Pendrick is looming as well. Because his handicap index rose above 2, each and every one of us is getting an extra stroke in the Handi-Skins Game.

Annually Jack Reseigh, a.k.a. The Big Kitty, would win a handi getting two strokes on a par 4, most often #13. Kramden insiders referred to this as "The Jack." Two weeks ago Hall of Famer Dave Kisic Jacked #7 for a skin and Friday The Fabulous Raja pulled it off on #13. In fact, Pendrick, Zalewski and Danlovich are all getting 2 strokes in the game while others are getting ten or eleven. We'll see how it plays out and adjust accordingly. Remember, as stated in Our Constitution, we are attempting to build "a more perfect union of sport and camaraderie" with this golf league. So far so good.

In the other divisions, Bruce Romeo has a 5 point lead over Defending Champion Tim Martin; Greg Polkowski has one less match played and 3 points on Randy Walla and the much improved Ken Anderson has a 7.5 lead over Jack Reseigh but as former Champ Rusty warns, " Everyone in the Lynch Mob should be worried...the Big Kitty is on the prowl." Finally, congrats to Super Sub Bob Macek who has been playing better golf of late and has climbed half-way up the 2024 Money List with an accumulated $90 thus far. Or in other words, $90 more than me. But as my mother taught me long ago, "a good host never eats all the shrimp."

OUT July 19: Jack, Curmi, Zalewski, Danlovich & Harrington. Any others ???

7/7/2024

OUT this week, July 12: Terry Smith & Mark Zalewski OTHERS??? Let me know. Thanks.

KRAMDEN INSIDER, or if you're lucky, KRAMDEN INSIDE"HER": A frequent question to the Board of Directors goes something like this... "If my handicap is 41 and I shoot 42, how can my handicap get lowered?" Because your handicap is based on the best ten of your last fourteen scores, and the biggest factor is usually your oldest score, 15 rounds ago, that gets dropped. For example, our Fearless Leader Jeff Pendrick, with a handicap index of 37.7, shoots a 40 Friday then we drop his 15th score which was a 35, resulting in an increase of .5 strokes to his number, which would now be 38.2. How will this affect our Handi-Skin$ Game in which our lowest handicap golfer plays as scratch, or no strokes given, and we all deduct his average from our average to figure how many handi strokes you get? Stay tuned. Confused. Don't be. If I hand you an envelope, just smile and be grateful...

*** THIS IS IMPORTANT: During the next 5 weeks, July 12, July 19, July 26, August 2 and August 9, it is our goal to have members with 16 matches played. The Final Four is scheduled for August 16, played alongside the Infamous 3 Man Shambles. The last day, THE RACCOON CLASSIC, is Sunday August 18 at Northville Hills. Therefore it is important if you know of any upcoming missed days, that I know ASAP for scheduling.

Apparently, without any undo stress or temper tantrums thrust upon it, the putter of Rusty Lynch just broke, the head snapped off early in his round, the second hole I believe. So he finishes by borrowing others' putters and shot 46 Friday, as opposed to the previous weeks' score of 45. There is a metaphor in there somewhere ...

Don Taylor has vaulted from 5th in the Trevino division to second after a nifty 36, and 7 weeks of mumbling to the Commish about his handicap being wrong, he couldn't play to a 40 index. But we added it twice, 36. Nice round...

Finally, a strange sighting on the driving range where the "Big Kitty " a.k.a. Jack Reseigh was "practicing" before his round.

"We talking about Practice?" It has always been legal theoretically, and often some grinder like Randy Walla is out there, but Jack? Coincidentally, he shot his best league round of the year, and tied for Under Average #2. And the range balls are free to all league members. Hmmm

7/4/2024

Dear Commish,
As usual, you were way ahead of the local media breaking the Craig Monroe story. Aren't you just a mailman? How do you know so much? Signed, Suspicious in Salem

Dear S.I.S.,
Just a mailman? I refer you back to your elementary level Seinfeld, where you should have learned that "when you control the mail, you control (heh-heh-heh) information." Also, between us fellas, my pimp hand is strong.

From the desk of Jeff Sheeran, former High Roller and USSSA Hall of Famer: Since Chris Illitch took control of the Tigers and Red Wings, the total record of the Tigers is 457-665, 2nd worst in Major League baseball. The total record of the Wings is 206-331, the absolute worst in the National Hockey League. So don't ever scratch your heads in wonder when yet another free agent athlete selects another town to play in. Illitch is too damn cheap to pay them as long as the local zombies continue to frequent his stadium, arena, casino, and pizza parlors. Boycott this bastard and all of his shitty products. I cannot, for legal purposes, be an advocate of violence or vandalism or any sort of terrorism, but as Chris Rock used to say about O.J. Simpson, "I don't condone it, but I understand."

Locally, down the road at St. John's they are set to open a new Irish pub called Doyles. It's a two-story bar that features a cozy fireplace to cuddle up with your favorite partner, and Irish style grub like bangers & Mash. Pat Harrington translates that as Irish sausage and mashed potatoes. They also serve Real food as well. Weekend brunches and such, and all the big football games on the big screen. Football, meaning soccer of course.

Former Kramden Champion and Eagler of hole 18 this year Kevin Cotter played The Cardinal at St. John's this past Tuesday and reports, "the front nine is like a nice back rub, and then they punch you in the face on the back nine." Veteran Kramdenites will recall Kevin's complicated relationship with his petite yet fiery wife Sue, who bought the round for her husband as a Christmas gift. How thoughtful. KC continued his critique of The Cardinal... "I would have to play it a few times to figure it out (the bounce and roll). I would actually play it farther back. We played it at 6100 yards and it brought more trouble into play." That is how course designers combat the big hitters like Tiger and Kozy and Daly and Boal and Cotter. Next month, our wandering correspondent Kevin travels to the Traverse City Country Club, and we look forward to another fine report.

Those missing next week July 12 include: Zalewski, Polkowski and Jimmy Walla. Others???

7/1/2024

AN EAGLE HAS LANDED: A legit eagle on the par 5, 15th hole. From somewhere like 175 yards out, GREG POLKOWSKI hit his approach shot to maybe 8 feet beneath the front hole location and sank the putt. 3 shots on a par 5, that's an eagle folks. Legit? Not only did I witness it but it's the first eagle bagged by a League member this season. Former League Champion Kevin Cotter did the deed on number 18 four weeks ago. Polk has increased his Tiger Woods Division lead to 9 points and is currently #4 in the KWR, Kramden World Rankings. Furthermore, it is the only known Skin in Danlovich's Annual Skin Game. Dan is starting to collect the $20 entry fee, so see him when you can and Congrats to Greg who has really improved his game in the past year. For something completely different, as Monty Python used to say, I am to golf what Joe Biden is to debating. Like Joe, I am not ready to quit either...

SPEAKING OF QUITTING: Or at least taking a break this Friday, the 4th of July weekend, Mike Curmi and Jeff Tanderys are elsewhere on the 5th and someone else I believe. DaPra maybe?

Anyone else planning to miss let me know ASAP. Thanks...

THANKS TO OUR SUBS: Like Bob Macek who makes it out here weekly or Kevin Cotter who shows up whenever he's short on spending cash. In 2 appearances this season his game looks better than ever and he has won $105. A total of $105 more than I. This week he tackles the new Cardinal at St. John's and we all await a course report. My last round there I recall seeing a large number of beavers. Of course, it was an outing for the Silver Cricket...

GO GET 'EM TIGERS: Former Tiger broadcaster and outfielder Craig Monroe has found himself in a spot of bother as the Brits say, not for his performance in the booth or the pre-game "Pick the Stick" contest but for mixing it up with some female minor. Not a Toledo Mud Hen minor but a gal technically beneath the age of consent. Beneath Mr. Monroe apparently also. Allegations of abuse are also included but it is not yet known how long ago this relationship occurred . On the broadcasting front, this means more time for Dan Petry on the air with the new guy Jason Benetti. Benetti is also "legit". One of the best around and funny as hell. Saturday night for example out in California, the Angels team had some sort of Santa Claus section in the outfield where a bunch of Santa look-a-likes with the white hair and big beards and bigger mugs of beer gathered attired in their Jon Koziel active wear Hawaiian shirts. Leading off for the Angels one inning was their 3rd baseman Miguel Sano and after the camera panned between Sano and the Santas and back to Sano again, Benetti broke into song, "Let it Sano, Let it Sano, Let it Sano." It seemed spontaneous enough but for a Tigers broadcast it was hysterical. Usually that type of laughter is reserved for plays on the field like yesterday's pop-up to the catcher Carson Kelly. Kelly properly tossed his mask aside then flicked the dropped bat away only to have lost the baseball descending to the ground. But here comes pitcher Case Mize to the rescue, charging from the mound only to misplay the foul ball leaving it untouched thudding onto the turf. Naturally, Mize pulls his hamstring. Poor base running, and bad defense, and a lack of hitting summarizes our beloved home team with 4 championships over their 130 year history. They are the oldest American league franchise to have the same name and city throughout their history. Is the current lack of televised games an actual blessing in disguise? I don't know. It's Only Tiger Baseball but I like it. I like it, I like it, yes I do...

So earlier I googled the Tigers' nickname because I wasn't exactly sure when they started as a baseball team here and it did turn out to be 1894 making this the 130th anniversary season. Yet the team does nothing to promote this. Furthermore I don't recall a celebration or even a recognition of a 125 year mark five years ago. It's like they are ashamed or something. Don't you married guys celebrate every month of your marriage as you rightfully should? Proud and happy as you are. Hmmm... Anyway, the name Tigers is a reference to the Detroit Light Guard that goes back to the early 1800's, AND whose distinguished service in the Civil War earned itself the nickname "Tigers". And now you know the rest of the story...

6/19/2024

Old mailman in the summer sun. Sorry for the delay this week. Thankfully the Juneteenth National Holiday will give me a day of rest and relaxation in an air-conditioned location. Stay tuned for this week's match-ups coming later today as subs are contacted and contracted. Kisic and Zarras are elsewhere, Smith and Hartzel are dilly-dallying along, arriving late and Harrington returns. Others out, let me know. With 8 results in for most of the league, we are reaching the half-way point. If the Final Four were to be held this week, Romeo and Anderson would face each other as would Polkowski and Zalewski. But the Final Four is actually scheduled for August 16 played concurrently with our Three-Man Shambles. Two days later we will shift courses and play our Championship Match and the infamous Raccoon Classic at Northville Hills...

As you may have noticed last weekend, I've been working with Rory McIlroy on his putting. Sorry bud. Bryson DeChambeau is certainly worthy and deserved the win, but wouldn't a playoff have been great? Finally, Willie Mays has died at the ripe old age of 93. Remember stat geeks, he lost 2 years in the prime of his career to the military so he probably would've reached that magic number of 700 homers as would have the great Ted Williams who spent a total of five years in World War II and the Korean War. They say Ted was a better pilot than hitter due to his crazy good eyesight. I keep imagining Ted's frozen decapitated head somewhere in a cryogenics lab awaiting resurrection. Thanks Drew and Mike Show. The Tigers should sign that head today. Attach it to Torkelson...

6/14/2024

The United States Open at Pinehurst #2. Our national championship played on a course much too extreme for most golfers in our humble league. With the exception of one man, one legend, our Puppetmaster Rusty Lynch. Some years ago he ambled onto this hallowed track and birdied the first hole from 15 feet. I am following the 2024 Open on TV and Peacock. I've watched Tiger and Rory and Scottie play #1 with no such success. Legends achieve legendary status because they do legendary shit. According to history, Rusty's following 16 holes that day included many Xs and lots of cursing, but he gathered himself and rallied with a chip-in birdie on the final hole. Legends finish strong...

When we were younger men with more time and more energy and fewer responsibilities, we filmed our League's Ryder Cup matches at our old course, stately Brae Burn National. The year was 1995. Gary Novak accidentally hit a goose with his approach shot on #2 and wanted a ruling. We explained that a goose was not the birdie we hoped for. Tim Martin shot 39. Rusty had hair. It was a glorious night.

Following the round, we adjourned to the Brae Burn basement and conducted our annual U.S. Open draft, a two round snake-like affair so that whoever picked first at #1 would also go last with pick #48. This was one of our few contributions to the old Topflighter League, from which we have borrowed scoring, handicapping and several players. What goes around comes around. Perhaps our draft days will return some day. Last evening at Coach's Corner, several drafts of Modelo were enjoyed. Yet another glorious night...

On a personal note, I am typing this from a split screen on my computer, while watching the morning play from Pinehurst on Peacock. Earlier this week I visited a Microsoft tutorial and figured out the new method for distributing pdf worksheets that make the Standings sheet easier to read for several of you. Finally, and most importantly, my daughter landed her dream job at the Spokane Conservatory in the state of Washington, and on her birthday next month she will finally throttle her hapless father in a round of golf at some $300 per round in Idaho. But as I have said many times, "old age and treachery will often win out over youth and skill." For the record, just like in league play, I will graciously accept my beat-down and enjoy the day. Until tonight. Let's hope it's a good one...

6/12/2024

If the RKGL were a PGA Tour event... First of all, if the Kramden was a PGA event then the LIV Tour really cleaned up in the recruiting wars. Secondly, this is more or less an examination of which players are performing well over the last month. Who is hot? Who's trending?, as the kids on the interweb would say. I find the results interesting.

Dan Danlovich 38-37-39-44 158 1st place, no cash award
Greg Polkowski 40-40-41-40 161
Mark Zalewski 39-46-41-38 164
Jeff Pendrick 39-42-41-43 165
Don Taylor 40-43-40-43 166
Terry Smith 42-42-43-43 170
Ken Anderson 41-44-42-45 172
Jeff Hartzel 45-40-44-43 172
Jimmy Walla 42-41-44-46 173
Randy Walla 42-41-46-48 177
Terry Celano 47-47-45-38 177
Rusty Lynch 46-45-45-42 178

Dan Danlovich has been playing so well for the last year and a half that even with last week's sloppy 44 he is still 3 shots better than the rest of us. Greg Polkowski has steadily improved his game with his new clubs and his new facial hair and is running away with his division. Now he has reached the point in his schedule where he ventures out against opponents in the other divisions, those who might put up more of a fight than what he's accustomed to. We shall see. Of his first six rounds of 2024, only two of Jeff Pendrick's scores actually count toward his handicap because we discard the worst 4 rounds of your last 14 played. Jeff has slumped so badly he has a score of 40 in his folder. On his PERMANENT RECORD. If he desires a return to his old form, perhaps Pendrick needs to give up his long-time porn habit and get some sleep at night. The performance of the evening belonged to Terry Celano whose round of 38 equaled Zalewski's for Medalist #1. No cash award for that either. Terry did hit the RK home run winning cash from all 4 jackpots: Skin, Handi-Skin, Under Average #1 and both C2Ps. When the round was complete though a real show began, as somewhere, somehow Terry lost his car keys and a wild search ensued. Eventually Mike Curmi Ubered him home and all that Kramden Ca$h Terry won in the jackpots came in handy. Stay tuned for further updates. Rather than find new keys, Celano will probably just buy a new car... Back to our Top Twelve or Dirty Dozen as it may more appropriately be called, there are three members listed from each of the four divisions. Eww !

Finally, Czar of the Skin Game Dan Danlovich and I are trying to find any "winners" so far and are coming up empty-handed. The only eagle so far is from Kevin Cotter on #18. Cotter is a legend but Cotter is not a member. Not this season anyway. He can still join and pay the $575 for a chance to win the Yearly Skin$ game but Sue would probably object. Opps, that's $575 plus the $20 entry fee to Dan to get in the game which the rest of us can start pitching in this week or JUST SAY NO as this is an OPTION and NOT A REQUIREMENT. Thank you to subs Bob Macek, Bob Gorzcyka and Geoff Stevens , my old partner in the Topflighters' League at Green Oaks. Geoff scored a skin with a birdie on #5. 77 years of age and still "The gritty Little Bruin." Only Danlovich is missing so far this week. Others let me know as soon as possible. JR

6/6/2024

NEWS & NOTES:
34, 34, 34. 34 is the magic number. Word of Kevin Cotter's 34 a few weeks back reached his brother Dan who offers his congratulations and welcomes his bro to the 34 Club which Dan entered a few seasons ago. Hopefully we will see Dan again out here before too long...

Don't look now... Bruce Romeo is the leading money winner... There were issues with some of the scorecards last week. As you know, I've requested that all birdies be circled on the cards which speeds up the scoring and skinning process but Terry Smith had an uncircled bird on #11, the toughest back 9 hole. Scorekeeper Jeff Hartzel was much prouder of his own birdie on #14 and circled the fuck out of that but neglected the accomplishment of his sponsor and friend Mr. Smith. These things happen and we understand BUT regardless of who is keeping the card, ALL MEMBERS OF THE 4SOME ARE RESPONSIBLE. Many of you will sit and socialize for an hour or more without checking the card for accuracy and ONE 4SOME DIDN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT THE POINTS. Folks, we can do better and WE WILL DO BETTER. On the other hand from circling ALL BIRDIES comes the Terry Celano scorecard featuring 16 circles and no birdies. It just goes to show, it's always something...

Basketball fans mourn the death of Bill Walton, one of the All-time greats and a personal favorite. I loved his Portland Trail Blazer championship team and their style of play and his UCLA teams were legendary. For all you parents and grandparents and coaches, John Wooden's Pyramid of Success is a must read. And then, some of the WNBA bitches must realize that like Tiger Woods and Arnold Palmer before him, Caitlin Clark is the tide that raises all boats. Lee Trevino used to say that out of every dollar he ever won, a quarter of that was due to Arnie. The same was true with Tiger and now Caitlin. She was already the reason the WNBA now is using charter jets rather than flying commercial and now the TV ratings are soaring. If the country is not already on a razor's edge with our Presidential race the constant mugging of Clark by these veteran goons could result in some Street Fightin' Man...

Finally, thanks to our fluctuating band of subs who visit each week and add a special flair to the proceedings while often absconding with chunks of our jackpot cash. Thank you Mr. Cotter and thank you Mr. Armstrong. The sub fund adds to our yearly Prize Pot to be disbursed at the August 18th Raccoon Classic at Northville Hills. To protect our jackpots and keep it for ourselves we have to elevate our games. No one has more elevating to do than I. Thank you for the much deserved ass-whupping last week Rusty.

5/20/2024

Good news and bad news and news news...
Subbing last week, former League Champion Kevin Cotter shot 34 matching the previous league record set by Jeff Pendrick, Josh Benko, Mark Zalewski and others winning the skin pot worth $80. Great job with a new hip my friend.

The better news for some was that as a sub Kevin was not eligible for the Handi-Skins pot which was split between Ken Anderson, Pat Harrington and The Fabulous Raja. Congrats men.

Making their debut last week in the league as subs were 77 year old Bob Grimm and 70 year old John Armstrong . Both men previously starred in the infamous Tuesday night Topflighter League at Green Oaks in Ypsilanti Township where Rick Wesche, Pendrick, Zalewski, Danlovich, Randy Walla and I played in our younger days. They still got game. 43 for Bob. 38 for John. We hope to see them more often in the future.

As I was starting my round Friday, head pro Jason Rammler informed me that the management at Salem Hills had decided to give away our Raccoon Classic tee times to a bigger group of approximately 100 golfers. I argued that we could match or exceed their alcohol consumption but we were unable or unwilling to pay their greens fees and so we were OUT. Furthermore, that even if this deal fell through and that group changed their mind, the course would still be willing to sell those times to another larger group.

Like in the old Seinfeld show, "they know how to TAKE the reservations, they don't know how to HOLD the reservations." Due to other past differences with this new management group we have taken our traditional Columbus Day outing from Salem Hills to Fox Hills and we have cancelled our 30 year traditional 18 hole Opening Day matches. At this time though because they remain our best possible option for Friday night league play I do not believe that a "nuclear" reaction is in our best interest .

Several options have been considered since Friday. Option #1 was to play at Salem Saturday August 17 but the course is booked. Option #2 was Farmington Hills Golf Club, formerly known as San Marino only to discover they also are booked that day. Currently Ambassador Walla is courting Northville Hills and we hope to learn more soon. Should that fall through other courses will be approached and we are considering playing the Raccoon over subsequent Fridays, August 9 and 16 with the Final 4 and 3 man shambles being played August 2.

For the record, it appears as if the pro Jason Rammler is in our corner but is being over ruled by the management/ownership Scaro family. He deserves our continued respect in my opinion. The matches that would be missed could be made with doubleheaders or played pre-league with our league paying for those matches out of our prize fund. The bottom line is that any and all options are being considered.

My hope is that Northville Hills can accomodate us or maybe Glenhurst in Redford or any of the Livonia golf courses. To the best of my abilities, I will keep you informed.

"We the people, in order to form a more perfect blend of sport and camaraderie do hereby ordain and establish this : The Ralph Kramden Golf League. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men shall arrive promptly, golf briskly, tip their waitresses generously and enjoy themselves immensely." The Ralph Kramden Golf League Constitution 1992

The Kramden Constitution borrows from both the Declaration of Independence and The Original Constitution written after the War was won and we had gained our independence. At the time of the Declaration, our Founding Fathers found themselves in a failing relationship with England and decided to sever ties with their homeland. I am not saying we have reached that stage yet.

I do think this allows us the chance to take our beloved Raccoon Classic to other venues and discover what they have to offer us and for them, whoever they may be, to discover what we have to offer them as a league. After all, what we want is to golf and have fun with our friends and to be both appreciated and respected. Is that too much to ask? JR

5/5/2024

Gentlemen,
Our technical issues with Microsoft have been resolved, and guess what? The solution was money. Specifically, buy a new app. So we did. Our Opening Day April 28 Player of Note was Former Champion Rusty Lynch who won cash in all four Jackpot categories for a total of $110. Well done Rusty. A week later, another old fart caught fire. Bruce Romeo shot 43, 4.9 shots Under Average. WINNER! He made the only par on #10. WINNER and HANDI-WINNER. And his 5 net 4 on the 15th was another WINNER. Total $180. As a retiree, that's a year worth of SPAM. Editor's Note: In Hawaii SPAM is so popular it is featured at McDonald's. Spam burger, Spam burger with cheese, Spam McMuffin. Editor's Note #2: There were no birdies made all night by anybody anywhere. You may have scored at home or at Leggs on the way home but nothing was holed at Salem Friday and I can't remember that ever happening. Of course, I don't remember where my car is parked either.

Welcome to the League Jon Knight who shamelessly admits to being friends with Jeff Balaka. Jon brought cash and drank beers and made his share of bogeys for a score of 50. He should fit right in. Belated welcome aboard to Mr. Jeff Tanderys who made his official debut as a member Opening Day although he has previously subbed. Jeff won Under Average #3 last week and one of our two Closest-to-the-Pin awards this week. Some Guy won the other C2Pin AND HAS BEEN PAID but I forgot who that was. See Editor's Note above. My memory is shot. I've been watching the Senior Tour golf and the Legends were playing Saturday. I realized I've finally reached my goal of hitting the ball like Jack Nicklaus.

Thank you all for getting your dues paid promptly enough that we were able to secure a free week of golf at the end of our season. The free week is our Final Friday August 16. The four division champs play that night to advance to the Finals while the rest of us engage in the 3-Man Shambles, a surprisingly fitting name for our Scramble tournament. The Finals, THE RACCOON CLASSIC, begins at 11 am Sunday August 18.

CLOWN POSSE UPDATE: Conspicuously absent this year is the infamous Clown Posse, Former Champ John Kisic and his little buddy/Barney Rubble/Gilligan, Christopher Smith a.k.a. Smitty. Smitty just underwent one of two necessary carpal wrist surgeries. With one hand out of action, yes, his sex life has been reduced by 50%.

On a much more somber note, John's wife Laura is undergoing chemotherapy for lung cancer. She started her treatment last month and the doctors are all optimistic about a full recovery but her chemo is tough and John is going to be there for her all the way. I have told him that we are all praying for and rooting for their family to get through this. Laura obviously has the patience of a saint and deserves a good break. Both of our clowns hope to return to League play in the aforementioned 3 Man Shambles and we wish them all the best.

KRAMDEN News & Notes: The HANDI game is your handicap minus 1 stroke which is the handicap of our best player, Jeff Pendrick. Pendrick plays the HANDI game with no strokes.

For example, a player handicapped 9 will get 8 strokes on the 8 toughest holes according to the card... The SUB fund which goes into our season-ending prize fund has grown to $140. Please let me know ASAP when you will be absent so we can find a sub and benefit the League with the pleasure of their company as opposed to your surly ass... While I am expecting 100% next week, May 10, we have almost half a dozen openings the following week, May 17. A foursome will be playing that day early at 2:30. Randy Walla is also out that day. Keep me posted... I didn't have time to re-figure handicaps but will have a revised sheet later in the week with this week's tee times and pairings and remember that your handicap is not your average but a measure of your potential. The USGA takes your best 10 of your last 20 scores to average your handicap. This league takes a more lenient approach, using your best 10 of 14... Finally, after serving their two week suspension for violating the Kramden Drug Policy, Russ Zarras and Pat Harrington are expected to return to action this week. For those who've forgotten, the official RKGL policy on drugs is that anything goes but must be shared with and tested by The Commish. We have to keep things fair after all... Joe

4/21/2024

The 2024 RKGL is set to begin with a roster of 28, with room to grow if we choose. The prize fund begins at $700, with room to grow. Play is set to begin at 4 pm on the FRONT nine with 26 players including subs, and room for two more. Because threesomes move faster than foursomes they will go earlier. Should they be unable to make those times, they will be moved back and the next group will advance.

Please arrive early if you are able to. We have too many golfers who dawdle about at home, linger in the parking lot then stroll to the tee box so proud of themselves for arriving 2 minutes before their balls should be airborne. Try to be part of the solution this year rather than being part of the problem again. Road construction is expected to be an issue again this year so alternate routes may need to be considered. A good percentage of the league is still working, and employment can cause complications. Failure to plan equates to planning to fail.

Preparation. Planning. Consideration for others. Let's try something new. The Clown Posse is gone and can no longer be scapegoated for our miscues and the poor management by the Commish. "I apologize."

SUBS : $25 includes golf, cart, Skin$ and C2Pin
LEAGUE MEMBERS $10 : Skin$, Handi-Skin$, C2Pin and Under Average
LIFT, CLEAN & PLACE THRU the green Opening Day. The ball-raking in the sand traps BEFORE and AFTER your shot will CONTINUE until the course proves conditions worthy of change. Same with the lift, clean and place.
The PRE-LEAGUE rate for golf is $15. Tee times may be required. Some days they may not.

SUBJECT TO CHANGE

4:00 Randy Walla vs. Jimmy Walla .5, sub Bob Gorzycka & ???
4:08 Greg Polkowski, Raja Dave, Mike Palo matches to be determined
4:16 Tim Martin vs. Jamie Benko .5, Dave Kisic vs. Bruce Romeo E
4:24 Don Taylor vs. Rusty Lynch 5.5, Ken Anderson vs. Jeff Tanderys E
4:32 Dan Danlovich vs. Joe Ranusch 4.5, subs Kevin Cotter & Mark Szerlag
4:40 Jeff Pendrick vs. Rick DaPra 7, Terry Smith vs. Terry Celano TBD
4:48 Mike Curmi vs. Jack Reseigh 4.5, Curmi vs. Jeff Balaka .5, sub Bob Macek

*TBD Smith vs. Celano the "spread" determined by Smith's choice of tee box.

With Opening Day approaching the divisional line-ups are subject to change and will be published ASAP. After 32 seasons we still have growing pains but the essential ingredients of good golf with good friends remain. I look forward to seeing each and every one of you again. JR

4/14/2024

Good Masters Morning,
Finally after all these years, O.J. Simpson can rest easy knowing that the real killer of his wife is dead. Cancer has delivered the justice the American judicial system could not.

"Joe. Phone call. It's Terry Celano. He says it's urgent." That message was delivered by Howard Matties III, the head pro at stately Brae Burn National. The year was 1994. Much of the league was still hooting it up in the clubhouse after golf when Terry told us about O.J.'s slow-paced Ford Bronco chase through the Southern California freeway system. "He's gonna kill himself," it seemed. Alas no but it was good tv. The league has outlived Simpson. Let's hope we can outlive Putin.

Nearly 30 years later Terry Celano was involved in a different freeway incident. This time in Michigan. His car wrecked on 96. Rear-ended. Driver head snapped off. Not Terry's head. The golf club in the back. Terry says he's fine. Close call. Our season begins Friday April 26 at 4pm. Please let me know if you will be absent before the schedule is released. Absentee Jeff Hartzel has asked for my address so he can mail me a check. As both commissioner and a postman I appreciate that.

Joe Ranusch 13530 Marion Redford, Mi. 48239. Route 3945. $575. As we have said, by paying the course our greens fees up front we earn a free week of play. Thank you.

BOBBY JONES  ARNOLD PALMER   TIGER WOODS  JACK NICKLAUS 
1. Tim Martin *   9. Rusty Lynch  16. Randy Walla  23. Jeff Pendrick
2. Terry Celano   10. Mike Curmi  17. Jimmy Walla  24. Mark Zalewski
3. Dave Kisic    11. Jack Reseigh   18. Jon Koziel  25. Dan Danlovich
4. Jamie Benko   12. Don Taylor    19. Greg Polkowski  26. Russ Zarras 
5. Bruce Romeo  13. Jeff Balaka  20. Greg Prokop  27. Pat Harrington
6. Terry Smith    14. Jeff Tanderys  21. Raja Dave  28. Rick DaPra
7. Gary Novak   15. Ken Anderson  22. Mike Palo  29. Joe Ranusch
8. Jeff Hartzel 
* Defending Champion Tim Martin... just like at Augusta, def. champ assigned #1
Jeff Hartzel has declared himself a member of the Forward Tees Club. Any others interested?

Of your $575 dues, $550 are for Greens Fees : 16 wks. x $30 + 1 Sunday $70 = $550 Week 17, August 16 is the Free Week. League Concludes Sunday August 18. Our prize fund begins at $25 x 29 members = $725 + #29 ( $575 ) = $1,300. Plus sub fees = 2024 Prize fund

Finally, we have received reports from friends that Salem Hills is cracking down on smuggled alcoholic beverages sneaked onto the course. Those caught are BANNED. BANNED I say. Please purchase here what you consume here. You won't see Scottie Sheffler downing non-Augusta beers today from his bag as he wins his second Masters. Enjoy the tournament... JR

3/3/2024

Men of Kramden,
A new season is upon us and a hearty hello to you all. A few members of last year's roster have moved on via trade or free agency or injury, and although they can't be replaced in our hearts, we can replace them on the tee sheet. As he is the only rookie signed up for our season so far, Jeff Tanderys is the favorite for Rookie of the Year honors following Rick Kendall in 2023 and Jeff Hartzel in 2022. Former two-time League Champion and familiar face Don Taylor returns full-time to class up the Lynch Mob. Welcome to you both.

All of our golf swings will look better this year because we won't have Josh Benko around to compare them to. Josh and his family have moved to Carolina after securing a new job. Brandon Bascom is also departing Michigan pursuing career opportunities and the career of Dave Balaka will no longer permit a frivolous night of golf on his schedule. Finally, one half of the legendary Clown Posse is no longer able to compete at his established level of excellence and will have corrective carpal tunnel syndrome surgery this season before hopefully returning to peak form in 2025. A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants. Farewell for now Chris Smith and all of our departing members, we hope to see you out here again soon.

The 2024 season will BEGIN FRIDAY APRIL 26 at 4 PM, first tee time. Normally our tee times begin at 4:16 PM but due to daylight issues we start early Opening Day. We will play 17 straight Fridays from April through and including Friday August 16. The LEAGUE CONCLUDES SUNDAY AUGUST 18 with the infamous RACCOON CLASSIC tentatively scheduled for 11 AM.

Dues for the league have risen to $575 a $25 increase from last year for each man. Greens fees at Salem Hills are up to $30 per Friday evening rounds and $70 for the Sunday round. WE ASK EACH MAN to PAY YOUR DUES FRIDAY APRIL 26 via cash or check. A month worth of empties for most of you guys, please bring no bottles or cans to the course.

In the past, this Salem Hills incentive program of rewarding the league a free week of tee times was applied to our Fall League but now the Board of Directors has arranged for the freebie to apply during our regular season. So technically, our "regular season" is 16 weeks concluding August 9 and our "post-season" occurs the Friday of August 16 and the Sunday of August 18. 16 Fridays @$30 = $480 + 1 Sunday @ $70 = $550 leaving a prize fund of $25 x 32 Kramdenites = $800. Sub fees will subsidize the fund as well.

I no longer use the PayPal service, but Zelle from Bank of America works better for me. A credit payment of $500 via PayPal will result in a charge of $500 to the sender but only $516 received by the League. A discrepancy results but I'm a liberal so I'll work with you.

Finally, we are in the final phase of determining our roster, so if you feel you'll be unable to partake, let me know. I realize I have greatly exceeded your attention span so I thank you for your interest in the Ralph Kramden Golf League, and once again Congratulations to our Defending Champion Tim Martin. See you soon, perhaps at the Novi Golf Show... JOE

9/6/2023

September 8 at 4:16 the fall league begins. A modified Stableford with Handicap scoring system is used. A 7.8 handicap player gets 7 shots. An 8.1 player gets 8. All numbers right of the decimal point are dropped. Forward tee users use the handicap numbers listed from the Gold tees on the bottom of the scorecard. We are going to start with a $10 entry fee for the jackpots split between Net Skin$, Most points and C2Pin.

Stableford:
5 points = Eagle
3 points = Birdie
1 point = Par
0 points = Bogey
-1 points = Double Bogey
-2 points = Triple Bogey and Worse. After net triple bogey, pick up ball & get on with your life.

Early arrival is appreciated. This gives you the time to assemble your 4some. Should this become problematic in the future, I will attempt to form the groups beforehand. Let's see how this works out. You can talk among yourselves beforehand to find a cart buddy to play with if you choose. Again, this is more casual than the summer league so we are more open to experimentation. League members have each earned one rain check, after your one freebie, greens fees will be $25 per nine holes. I will check with Jason the pro to find out when the fall rates' price comes into effect. Randy and Tim will be collecting the $10 and I will see you after your round to gather your feedback.

We have room for 16 players tonight (4:16, 4:24, 4:32, 4:40) and roughly 12 or 13 commitments so if you haven't already decided to play, there may still be room.

IN: Martin, Danlovich, The Wallas, Smith, Hartzel, Prokop, Jeff Balaka, Celano & Dan Cotter.
???: Zarras, Polkowski and the rest of you

See you Friday, Joe

8/24/2023

For you youngsters out there, which in our case means 50 years of age and younger, the golf league's newsletter twenty-five years ago was typed out and copied and distributed just like in the classic movie, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington starring Jimmy Stewart. Not as Terry Smith or Chris Smith but Jefferson Smith, U.S. senator.

Twenty-five years ago the editor at the time attempted to stir things up a little and took a swipe at one of our members that went, "Stick to bowlin' and fartin' cuz you're no golfer Tim Martin!"

Today, that same editor, offers a humble apology to the newly crowned 2023 League Champion Tim Martin. Tim's opponent, the formidable Dan Danlovich, Tim's bowling teammate from the 80's and 90's along with Terry Celano and myself, won the front nine 6.5 to 3.5 with a fine 38, his adjusted average score. On that front side only one hole, number 9, was tied.

The back side was much the same with only two halved holes but with all the carts surrounding the final twosome, Tim parred both 17 & 18 to win 7 to 3 coming home. It was 10.5 to 9.5 for the 18 with one more point for totals. Officially, an 11.5 to 9.5 victory for Martin. Looking back over the match, Dan concluded that the turning point was indeed the easiest hole at Salem Hills, the dinky par 3 14th.

It was one of four holes that Danlovich played Martin without giving him a stroke and Dan would win all of the other three straight up but two poor plays on 14 led to a sloppy double bogey 5 and an eventual back nine 42. A par 3 on 14 Dan explained, would have won him the 21 point match by the score of 11 to 10. A classic match with two classy participants. Each a deserving champion, but today we say congratulations to Tim Martin, who wins his first League Championship after 33 years of competition. No one in history has played more Kramden golf than Tim Martin and in his 33 seasons, no one has hit more golf shots, except perhaps Smitty in his 15 years of play. Ahh, but who's counting? Actually, we all are counting ...

Back in the day, Tim used to pop a couple Viagra before golf to get his heart going. These days he says he's calm and cool, hitting every fairway and just glad at 74 years of age to be competitive again. In each of his three post-season rounds of 9 holes, the ever-steady Tree Trunk shot 46, 46 and 46. For years at the Redford Post Office, Tim delivered route 46...

My first order of business Monday morning when I returned to work was to place a bid on route 69. Heh heh heh...

Consider for a moment, the week Jeff Pendrick endured. For the season, Jeff finished sixth in his division, because everyone who plays with Pendrick plays their best golf. He's that contagious. Friday he was paired as a 2-man team with an actual side of beef, the pitiful Commish himself. Frustratingly, they finished a shot out of the money. Fittingly, he petitioned for a little help and his prayers were answered with maybe the most competitive guy in the league, former League Champion and our last League Ace Hole in One, Jack Reseigh.

Jack and Jeff went to the course and opened up with 4 net birdies and never looked back, for an easy 5 stroke team victory over the runners-up Rusty Lynch and Terry Smith. In addition, Jeff won both back nine closest-to-the-Pin contests. Hard to believe Pendrick's week could get any better, but it did...

Tuesday, Holly Sonders, formerly of the Golf Channel and one of Jeff's biggest influences, announced her creation of Expozed Sportz, a league of adult film stars and other amateur babes engaging in contests like tug-of-war and oil wrestling. Like a boxing match where the boxers begin each bout with a tap of their gloves, each contest will begin with shirt removal and a titty tap. This thing is sweeping the internet boys so do your research and check it out. Sonders says she knows "what men like and what they like to watch." I'm sold and look forward to meeting Holly at the Annual Commissioners Convention.

The Yearly Skin was a DRAW and all monies returned. Thank you Dan Danlovich, Czar of the Annual Skin Game, and congrats on a fine season and a well-played championship match featuring good sportsmanship and good fellowship. Next season for our Raccoon Classic we will return to a NOON start and we will order pizzas should the Sunday hospitality not improve. My apologies. Thanks again to our new Champ Tim and our ever-generous Hall of Famer Terry Celano for your continued sponsorship of our league. Thank you all again for your fine gift from Carl's Golfland which I will use toward buying a new game. Stay tuned for more details about our Fall Edition of golf which begins September 8th at 4:16 pm. As Jackie Gleason used to say every week on his show, "And away we go."

8/19/2023

"Ask not what your golf league can do for you, ask what you can do for your golf league." JFK

Of the $1,100 Raccoon Classic prize fund, $600 has been donated by Hall of Famer Terry Celano so that the rest of us may better enjoy themselves. Speaking on behalf of the group, allow me to offer a hearty thank you to Terry for all that he does. He is greatly appreciated.

The Fall version of the RKGL commences Friday September 8th at 4:16 pm at Salem Hills. It was my understanding that the course was to dispense 32 physical rain checks as a bonus for our having promptly paid our league dues but as Bob Dylan says, Things Have Changed. More accurately put, things are as the Talking Heads say, Same As they Ever Were. The course decided not to change its policy but the bottom line is I will find a way to get $25 to each one of you who does not play Fall golf. But that is future business and the business at hand is the 2023 Raccoon Classic tomorrow. Good luck to you all.

8/15/2023

Friday's tournament play will also include $150 Skin Pot and Dan Danlovich will determine the outcome of our Yearly Skin$ Game which has remained ALL SQUARE. No eagles last week on hole # 9 despite all moving to forward tees. I propose carrying it over into Sunday in case of a hole-in-one as we all hit a tee ball on each of the par 3s AND POSSIBLY holes 1 thru 6 in case of an eagle on any of those holes during which everybody plays their own ball all the way through. OR perhaps IT'S OVER and we get a $20 rebate???

Today's mailing does not include updated averages and handicaps nor does it contain the Handi-Skin$ Game Results which will both be completed and sent out Wednesday as I have been upstate working on my game.

First of all, let us congratulate our 5 division winners on their noble accomplishment: Terry Smith had the league's best win-loss record although he did play mostly against the Statue of Liberty division, "give me your poor, your weak, your tired asses." Smith plays the number 5 seeded Dan Danlovich who won our toughest division by one-half point over the 2023 Kramden Rookie of the Year, Richie Kendall. Another half-point back of Special K was Josh Benko. Pretty tight. Just like high school.

Our wild and crazy three-way match features another man with 13 wins during the regular season, Hall of Famer 74 year old Tree Trunk Timmy Martin, the Arnold Palmer Champion who required two vasectomies to combat his girth and circumference. Another Champ with girth and circumference and tree trunk issues is Lee Trevino division winner Rusty Lynch who had a one hundred foot oak smash two cars parked in his driveway and a driveway scrunched into the ground. Lynch had a 10-5-3 record matching the record of Gary Player division champ, The Fabulous Raja. Congrats to all and best of luck to you all Friday night. After the rest of us finish our Shambles play, perhaps we will grab our carts and come watch your fabulous semi-finals matches.

As mentioned several times throughout our season, Sunday's Raccoon Classic begins at 2 p.m. with the Final 4 teeing off shortly after 3. Those unable to make it Sunday, let me know AS SOON AS POSSIBLE/ WEDNESDAY... Thank you

For all of those who have inquired, plans DO include another 6 weeks of play here at Salem Hills on the first Friday following Labor Day which will be September 8. Details to follow as your interest becomes known. Your prize fund envelopes Sunday will also include a 9 hole rain check for play this season here at Salem Hills which is a result of our promptly paying our league's greens fees back in May. Those not planning on golfing in the fall or playing again in '23 at Salem might consider the sale or gifting of your rain check to those fall participants.

Friday's 3 Man Shambles is a Scramble with the only provision being at least 2 drives used by each of your teammates and your scorecard REQUIRES NOTATION OF WHOSE TEE SHOT WAS USED. For the 2 man team playing in the final group with Champs Terry Smith and Dan Danlovich, a MINIMUM OF 3 TEE SHOTS WILL BE REQUIRED. I will personally monitor that team and I will provide the scorecards for both Friday and Sunday. Good luck again to all... Joe

*** Due to unexpected "girth and circumference of our prize funds", NO ENTRY FEE RACCOON WEEKEND.

8/11/2023

Each day at the Post Office begins with a safety talk during which our supervisors remind us of the inherent dangers of rain, sleet, snow, heat, dogs, bumblebees and irate customers. Since the Post Office is such a brilliant example of the American business model, I would like to begin today's Position Round with a couple of safety hints. If there's a chance that your drive on hole #8 from either the WHITE tees for most of you or the FORWARD tees for the Palmer division, can reach the green and endanger the group in front of you, then back off and wait until the green clears. Similarly if you have a chance to reach the 9th green with a blind approach shot, a member of your foursome should ride ahead and scout, alerting those left behind when it is safe to fire away. These tips are as basic and simple as the tips offered at the Post Office every morning but they just might save a life or prevent an injury or lawsuit. Retirees will sue anybody over anything...

Historically, the Clown Posse, Smitty, Johnny and Romey or Larry, Moe and Curly form Team #1 of next Friday's 3 Man Shambles. Honoring the fact that my daughter is working in Walla Walla, Washington but that unfortunately Denzel is working on a movie, Team #2 is Randy Walla, Jimmy Walla and Mike Palo. Randy sponsored Jimmy's admission to the Kramden and Jimmy sponsored Mike. This is a theme that will recur as more teams are named in the next week. Of course, much remains unknown until after tonight's Position Round. Good luck to all.

Finally, 2023 was projected to be a season of belt-tightening with smaller than usual prize funds and jackpots. $532 of your $550 dues went to Salem Hills for our greens fees but the Opening Day rainout (although Randy and I got 18 holes in) resulted in $1,450 extra cash for our prize fund. That cash plus carrying an extra two men on the roster (34 instead of 32) and the continuing generosity of our Sugar Daddy Hall of Famer Terry Celano left us in Fat City. Traditionally, Terry donates the equivalent of a member's yearly dues ($550 this season) to the league for jackpots, lap dances and suchandsuch. We are all grateful and Tiffany sends her love from the club. The bottom line is NO $10 ENTRY fee for the FINAL WEEKEND, larger prize funds for both the 3 Man Shambles next Friday and the Raccoon Classic next Sunday and a 33% increase in our divisional prize fund with cash for even LAST PLACE. Sugar Daddy's Celano and Tim Martin continue to sponsor our Raccoon Classic Closest-to-the-Pin contest and we thank them. More details to follow in the coming week. Thank you all, see you tonight... Joe

8/10/2023

Groups #1 and #3, before you disperse after playing #9, determine if an overtime playoff is needed to decide your division championship. Last season, a one-hole playoff was played between Gary Novak and Terry Smith with Novak advancing. Mr. Smith has clinched his division already, so no playoff looms in his future. Mr. Novak's fate has also been sealed with no playoff necessary.... Should a playoff be necessary between the Fabulous Raja and Mr. Hartzel, it will occur before next week's play begins. Thus far no one is absent for sure next Friday and Sunday with Mr. Macek out Friday depending upon tonight's results. Due to the 3 Man Shambles format (scramble), more tee times have been secured and the ***FIRST TEE TIMES FOR NEXT FRIDAY WILL BE 3:52*** individuals who can play at the earlier times, including the 5 men participating in the playoffs, let me know via this e/mail thread. By moving all groups to the FORWARD TEES on #9 tonight and depending upon the placement of the WHITE tees on #8, a better than most chance for eagle arises to dissolve our bottled up Yearly Skin$ Game. Mr. Danlovich is still collecting, refunds are still a possibility.

8/7/2023

August 18 - Playoffs. 5 division winners seeded by points. #1 vs. #5. (#2 vs. #3, #3 vs. #4, #2 vs. #4)

If positions remain the same as today after the position round is completed, then:
1. Terry Smith vs. 5. Rich Kendall / If tied 5-5, playoff.
2. Martin vs. 3. Fabulous Raja, 3. Raja vs. 4. Reseigh, 2. Martin vs. 5. Reseigh
The player with most accumulated points advances to Championship 18 hole match Sunday. Chances are positions will not remain the same but they could.

3 Man Shambles Team #1; Bruce Romeo, John Kisic & Smitty

Yearly Skin$ Game remains all bottled up: to relieve the constipation we will again move the tees up to the Gold or Forward tees for all on #9. #8 will be Forward tees for the Palmer division and WHITE for all others. Dan Danlovich is still collecting for this jackpot. 8 a.m. on Sunday mornings, as I pour over the Friday stats, I listen to the Lesson on Golf radio show on 97.1 and they always talk to the pro at Pleasant Run in Canton and I always remember the 69 young Dan shot there with a birdie on #18. This was before the course expanded to 27 holes and I think it was before this league began. Anyway, Dan and I golfed together again Friday and he's as good now as he ever was. Maybe better. Good friends, good match, good times. This is what we aspire to in the Ralph Kramden Golf League. I hope you all have experienced this feeling. As we are heading down the homestretch for 2023, let me know if you'll be missing out on one of our last 3 days: August 11, 18 or 20. The Sunday Raccoon Classic begins at 2 pm this year to accommodate the networks.

Reasonable Shambles team suggestions are now being accepted but nothing can be finalized until after the Position Round. Unless of course, hocus pocus comes into play...

7/30/2023

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. With nearly 120 combined years of Kramden golf between them, The Clown Posse with Brothers Bruce and Dave could not tally their point totals even though the Kisic Brothers won parts of the Under Average jackpot. Focus. Rhymes with Toke Us. After some smoke, before the meal, do some math. Math not meth. Elsewhere, as far as the cards go, much of the league is approaching The Randy Walla Standard of Excellence and it is very much appreciated by the bookkeeping department. Also, Jeff Pendrick actually shot 36 two weeks ago which was misreported by the media as a 37. Heads will roll.

After a slow, polite start, Rich Kendall, Special K, has come to life of late with his best league score of his season last week, a 2 birdie 37 skinning both holes 2 and 3 with a C2Pin on 3. Well done K. By the way, who won C2Pin on #6? Honest replies only please...

The Yearly Skin Czar Dan Danlovich reports a big ol' 18 hole push with 2 weeks to go. What to do? What to do? I really don't know what to do. But we are in discussions about it, considering perhaps moving everyone up to forward tees on #18 to encourage more possible eagle chances. This would also encourage more damage to cars in the parking lot and a slower finish as more of us try to hit the green in two shots. A more conservative option is to simply play it out and perhaps rebate the cash if the tie is not resolved. Your thoughts, if any?

As always, we await word on the old "who's in, who's out" this week. Jimmy Walla is confirmed OUT. Jeff Hartzel is confirmed OUT August 11. Possibly Bob Macek is OUT August 18 depending upon his division position. Is anybody OUT Sunday August 20, The Raccoon Classic. Play begins at 2 pm, giving you plenty of church options.

7/27/2023

Handicaps & Averages have been adjusted. Let's review those planned absences in August. Special thanks to veteran Kramdenites Kevin Cotter & Mark Szerlag, who returned last week to play and graciously won none of our jackpots. Wednesday's storm claimed a tree, and subsequently a car parked in the driveway, at Rusty Lynch's Wisteria Lane home. No one was hurt. Like a good neighbor...

7/18/2023

First a salute to last week's excellence: Historically, when a player makes 2 birdies in one round we figure he's a member of the Bobby Jones division or Jeff Balaka, maybe Mike Curmi. But a new country has been heard from; Greg Polkowski birdied both of the front nine par fives Friday with a good old fashioned mixture of power and putting, no fluke whatsoever. Well done Greg.

For a 75 year old guy, Tim Martin is playing like 69. Leading his division, Tree Trunk had a triple play on number 6 last week: birdie, skin, handi-skin and C2Pin for a total prize package valued at $150. More importantly, he's having fun. Some of you struggling with the same old upper 40s mid 50s every week, might consider opting for birdies and pars next season as opposed to pride and ego. After all, we both know you're not likely to exercise or practice to improve...

If the regular season ended today and the playoffs were to begin, the division winner with the most points would be Tim Martin and he would face Josh Benko, the DW with the least points in a traditional match we play every week. a 5-5 tie results in overtime. We do not use the term "sudden death" at our age. The Fabulous Raja, Terry Smith and either Bob Macek or Jeff Balaka participate in a fatal three-way, each man versus the other two, winner advances with the most accumulated points. However, the season does not end Friday. the goal is to get most if not all golfers to 17 matches played before the August 11 position round. Jim Walla has already informed me of his August 4 absence so we have time to plan his playing schedule. Others out between now and then including this week, let me know. I have Hartzel and DaPra out Friday. Others???

Friday August 11 - Position Round
Friday August 18 - The Final Five and The 3 Man Shambles: Team # 1 J.Kisic, Romeo, Smitty
Sunday August 20 - 2 p.m. The Raccoon Classic featuring The League Championship Match

Tee times and pairings tomorrow, thanks.

7/17/2023

The Number is 18. 18 is the number.

It is common knowledge that the ancient Scots who invented the game began each hole with a sip of whiskey from their flasks and that after 18 holes, they were out of whiskey. Therefore, it was determined that the average round of golf should be 18 holes. 18 is the number of majors won by the sport's greatest player, Jack Nicklaus. 4 of the 5 Kramden division leaders have played 14 matches thus far with 4 weeks remaining. 14 + 4 = 18. Somebody check me on that. So when the regular season ends after the August 11 Position Round our goal is that all Members have played 18 matches. Remember though the classic line from George Orwell's Animal Farm "All pigs are created equal but some pigs are more equal than others." Jim Walla has been eager to play an early make-up match if a proper opponent can be found. Most make-up matches for players will be made up with doubleheaders if you can't play early. Keep me posted. Both Rick DaPra and Jeff Hartzel will miss next week. Any others?

Trouble In Clown Posse? For the first time in league history, Clown Posse members John Kisic & Smitty were in the same foursome but rode in different carts. Before the round, as John lingered in the parking lot, Birthday Boy Bruce and Smitty buddied up. What's more, following the round, after hours of celebrating, it was Romeo who went home with Smitty chauffeured by the lovely Mrs. Smith, Jody. Johnny drank Budweiser alone in his garage until dawn. Ain't retirement great? Congrats to another lovely Mrs. Smith, Debbie Smith who tucked a 5 iron closest to the pin on number 3. Greedily she went for the big enchilada, a birdie and a possible skin, but ended up with a bogey 4 following a three jack. No par or better to win necessary, well done. Deb has now won $25 more than your beloved Commish this season...

Later this week: How will the playoffs work with 5 division winners opposed to 4?

7/12/2023

Happy Birthday Bruce Romeo. Imagine a head that size exiting or entering the vaginal canal. Ouch! What could a fellow like Bruce possibly want to celebrate such a big event? Well, aside from a new finger, he could want to golf with his beloved Clown Posse with whom he's been auditioning for years. Wish granted. Enjoy...

The Commish showed up last week at Salem, unshaven and disheveled, a real mess, in violation of the course dress code and was called out by his playing companion Defending Champ Russ Zarras. Found guilty by the Board of Directors, the Commish was assigned to a court-ordered round of golf with the aforementioned Clown Posse which he will serve this week. He was also suspended one week which he will serve July 21. For neither the first nor the last time, I apologize for my sloppiness.

Was it a jewelry sale gone bad? Perhaps his make-up artist is on strike or vacation. Maybe he fell behind on his league dues and "The Goon Squad" administered some righteous Kramden justice. The official "Terry Celano Story" is that a trip and fall occurred during a routine dog-walk, causing facial destruction and overall mayhem to his person. He hopes to be well enough to play Friday and has asked to be in a foursome with his book editor/bodyguard Jeff Balaka. Another wish granted. Let us extend to Terry our customary well wishes as he recovers. Get well soon my friend.

It was nice while it lasted. Pendrick giveth and Pendrick taketh away. For one week Jeff Pendrick got his handicap average score below 37 to 36.9 and as low man in the Kramden, everyone in the HANDI-GAME got one more stroke in the game. Alas, despite 8 pars on the card last week, his average has soared to 37.2, thereby reducing your HANDI strokes by 1.

7/5/2023

Some of you read or watch the news on television. You may have heard that a couple of weeks ago a submersible vehicle (a windowless mini-van) exploring the remains of the Titanic imploded in the Atlantic Ocean, and all 5 "explorers" were killed. Now, a Subway submarine sandwich shop located in Georgia is facing a public backlash for displaying the following advertisement outside their store: "OUR SUBS WON'T IMPLODE". Perhaps it may have been "too soon" as we discussed last week, but it got a laugh out of me...

7/1/2023

"There must have been some magic in their old pot pipe that night, For when they lit it up and smoked, their golf was out of sight." excerpt from Smitty had No Snowman

For the first time since possibly forever, Christopher Smith shot a round of golf without taking an 8, the dreaded "SnowMan". Smitty's 50 beat 4 other guys and his 3.5 shots under average tied Professor Randy Walla who has concluded that golf is best played without any kind of weight shift. More on that later...

Smith's bromantic interest Former League Champion John Kisic had one good hole, one good shot actually, his tee ball on number 6, a foot from the cup resulting in birdie, closest to the pin, skin and handi-skin. As John Wilkes Booth used to say, "one good shot and you can be famous forever." Too soon? I changed that from Lee Harvey Oswald.

The Clown Posse outplayed the thinking end of The Lynch Mob, Rusty & Jack, by 11 strokes resulting in a future possible showdown assuming adequate security can be arranged. Counting all their cash, the Clown Posse "began to dance about."

Undefeated following his Oriental massage, Mark Zalewski's "happy ending" might very well be the Bobby Jones division crown. Josh Benko, Mark, Special K Rich Kendall and Kozy Jon are within 2.5 points of each other but appearances can be deceiving as Jim Walla trails Leader Josh by 4 points but has one match in hand as the hockey players say and Dandy Dan Danlovich trails by 6 with two matches in hand. It should be quite a finish. Dandy resumes the $20 collection for the yearly Skins Game Friday.

The "forgotten man" from the Jones division, 2 time League Champion Jeff Pendrick has been busy with his charity work. By working his Kramden average below 37 to 36.9, most league members will get another stroke in the Handicapped-Skins game. Thank you Champ...

The previously mentioned Ranger Randy has been out-working Vijay Singh on the driving range of late and Walla concludes that having all or most of your weight on your front foot is so crucial to good results and especially distance that a weight shift is virtually meaningless, a wasted motion. Always a whiz with his short game, the two-time Champion broke 40 for the first time in a while, his 39 good for number 3 Medalist. Number 3 Medalist is good for no cash but we appreciate his research.

Randy is sandwiched between division Leader Terry Smith and Rick DaPra in the Jack Nicklaus Division a.k.a. The American League Central. The A.L. Least, as it is also called, has 4 members: JR, Defending Champ Zarras, Novak and Pat Harrington who are skinless, jackpotless, virtually worthless. Forgive Pat though, out last week hitting the Garage Sale Circuit looking for replacement clubs. Now that was too soon. Sorry Pat...

Tim Martin and The Fabulous Raja lead the Arnold Palmer and Gary Player divisions respectively, while the Lynch Mob is having a real slobberknocker in the Lee Trevino race. Too many sandbaggers to call this race. Both Wallas are out this week along with Greg Polkowski, Terry Smith and Dave Balaka. Invitations are hereby extended to both Don Taylor and Dan Cotter for July 7, and if there are any other absentees I have forgotten about, please clue me in.

Finally, Tim Martin, I prefer the Kopriva-Vision version of the score sheet if that is available. Thanks.

6/28/2023

Tonight we begin the homestretch. In many of the divisions, members will face-off against each other twice. Fresh off his 35 from last week, Mark Zalewski sees The Special K, Rich Kendall for the second time. Richie victorious 7.5 - 2.5 Opening Day but now we have P.M. Mark, Post Massage according to Pendrick. We shall see. There's something magical about the counter-clockwise swirl. On the polar opposite end of the golfing world it's Jhonny vs. Smitty in Revenge of the Clown Posse: No Survivors.

Our friend Pat Harrington suffered a loss this week as his car was stolen. Golf clubs included. So long Old Irish, his ancient putter. His league participation tonight is doubtful but I remain hopeful. Hopeful that he might join us. Hopeful that perhaps his car has just gone missing in this Canadian haze.

Next week Randy Walla will be missing as he and his beloved take to the Upper Peninsula to play Grey Walls among others. His wife Colleen will accompany along with his beloved putter... Any others missing next week, July 7? On the 15th, Danlovich, Zalewski, Curmi and Reseigh will be gone. Not sure where but they'll need one big sleeping bag. Danny asks that you get your $20s ready for the yearly Game as he will begin collecting Friday. We know that Mike Curmi has an eagle on #15 for one possible skin so far and we will update that game ASAP. Thank you all...

6/25/2023

Two weeks ago, U.S. Open week. Gird your loins gentlemen. It's our National Championship and historically, golfers worldwide elevate their game. It was so in Kramdenland as well. There were 6 birdies and each one was skin-worthy. Christopher Smith chipped in on hole #2 for an unlikely three. Smitty carries a one, two and three iron; each smartly priced at $1.89. Which bargain bin club did he use for the bird? That information is classified, between him and his mentor, the mysterious Mr. Kisic. Over at the 8th hole, with a hand mangled beyond all recognition, wearing a prosthetic device similar to Woody Harrelson in Kingpin, Bruce Romeo nevertheless rolled in a bomb for another stunning birdie. Well done Lefty. Dan Cotter, Jim Walla, Josh Benko and Jeff Pendrick all made bird somewhere but those were routine, to-be-expected , dog-bites-man events.

Smitty & Rome, man-bites-dog shockers! Congrats all...

Two weeks ago, in the Bobby Jones Premiere Match of the Night, Josh Benko topped Jeff Pendrick 6/4, 37-38. Fine scores, good match, everywhere everybody was elevating their game.

Two weeks ago, Mark Zalewski was not here. The week before he had an unlikely unsightly 52. The more the merrier? Not necessarily. When he returned Friday his score improved by 17 shots to 35 with 3 birdies, two closest-to-the-Pins and number one under average for an evening jackpot haul of $155. Congrats and well done Mark.

Finally, Mike Curmi had a bout of vertigo last week which he shook off, completed his round and partied all night with his Hardy Boys, Rusty and Jack whereas when I had mine, I finished one hole and went to bed for 3 days. 3 days alone. Mike Curmi. Stay strong my friend...

6/7/2023

Tonight, we introduce our first "A Gathering of Champions" foursome. Lynch in 1995, Zarras, our defender from 2022, and JR & DT with multiples. In fact, Don Taylor even designed the plaque that so proudly hangs in the Salem Hills clubhouse. Almost all would describe it as "well hung."

PALMER division: FORWARD tees except for #15 WHITE
PLAYER,TREVINO, NICKLAUS: WHITE tees except for # 15 GREEN
JONES division: GREEN tees except for # 15 BLUE

Dear Jones division members, Tonight I would like to introduce you to a little bit more of Salem Hills that you may not be overly familiar with, that extra 300 yards or so beyond the WHITES. I am doing this on an experimental basis since most of you are matched against a fellow division member and greatly encourage your input following your round. We don't want you to feel unchallenged at Salem Hills.

For the "mixed" Match between Jones division man Jimmy Walla and Nicklaus man Mike Curmi, let's make Jim an honorary member of the "Jack Pack" and he'll play the WHITES except for the GREEN 15. Should you all feel that I'm off my medication again and should reconsider this move, I certainly am open to your consultation. Afterall, I'm not Jay Monahan. Long-time Kramdenites might recall my previous notion that a perfect round/perfect league season consists of a mixture of tee boxes like they do for 72 or 54 hole tournaments. Due to the chemical blends of some of our members, this experiment was shelved but remember that our League Constitution strives for a "more perfect blend of sport and camaraderie." We are not afraid to try new things... unless we are???

5/28/2023

Good morning Gentlemen,
A number of situations have developed...

The Scorecard Situation: I know it's a chore and very much appreciated but more detail is required. Please circle the birdies on the card. This helps the Commish as he is combing over 12 to 16 cards to determine who gets properly paid. Please be more specific with the names. We have 2 Balakas, 2 Kisics, 2 Wallas, 2 Smiths, 3 Jeffs, 2 J.Benkos and 2 Greg P.s. Thank you

The Winter Rules Situation: Expired! Expired! Expired! Only the raking of the bunker shot is still in effect as we have reached the month of June. And this exception is being evaluated.

The Tee Box Situation: White and Forward. The exception being # 8 on the front, GREEN and WHITE and # 15 on the back, also GREEN and WHITE.

The Koziel Situation: He takes a week off, returns to the league donning his Kozy Specs, new eyeglasses and shoots 37. Perhaps we should all be heading to the optometrist rather than the driving range. Nice round Jon.

More Opening Rounds: Defending champ Russ Zarras and Drunken Pig Rick DaPra began their seasons going a combined 1 and 3 but the marathon has just begun. Bruce Romeo a.k.a. "Stumpy" is nearing a return and we look forward to seeing him soon.

The Commissioner Situation: Over a 45 year span from the fall of 1967 to the winter of 2012, I have experienced 8 different concussions that have left a few side effects like the dizziness or vertigo episode Friday night that had me leave the course after one hole of play. My case of this "positional vertigo" has me spinning out when I lay down on my left side or when my head is bent down like over a golf shot. Fine now 24 hours later. The episodes come and go every couple of years but they have never occurred during golf before and hopefully never again. The Board of Directors is adjusting my handicap accordingly and I thank you for your concern.

Finally, Brandon Bascom is scheduled off this Friday, any others ???

5/21/2023

Although we are certainly not a major tour event, it was reassuring to watch the PGA tournament being played in a steady rain Saturday but what I couldn't understand were the fans who came out to watch. No way in hell. Perhaps I'd watch the Stripper Olympic Games in that rain but not much else. I appreciate your perseverance while questioning your sanity. I don't know of many leagues that would have such strong attendance on the course and then in the grill room afterwards. Next week is Memorial weekend and Mike Curmi is off on one of his adventures. If others are planning to be elsewhere, let me know. Thank you...

5/17/2023

Horrendous News!

Delivered Match Game style by long-time host, Gene Rayburn: "Golfer Bruce Romeo has a slice so bad that he sliced off the tip of his Blank" Going for the golf puns, Charles Nelson Reilly would answer something like his "NIBLICK" and Skankasaurus Brett Somers would reply his "DRIVER" "PUTTER" or "HIS BIG STICK" but the more sensible bottom row of Betty White and Richard Dawson would correctly say, "MIDDLE FINGER."

Romeo goes onto the Disabled List with Rick DaPra. Bruce says this injury is potentially more damaging to his golf career than the infamous assassination attempt of a dozen years ago. We wish him the best although we wonder how anything could worsen his game??? And the aforementioned DaPra has gained medical clearance to resume golf after his knee replacement and could return as early as next week. Also our globe-trotting defending League Champion Russ Zarras was spotted on the telly at the Coronation of King Charles in London as well as numerous Laker playoff games and of course, The Kentucky Derby. All the while fulfilling his role as Kramden World Ambassador. He returns to Salem in early June to defend his title. I want to be ready...

5/7/2023

Gentlemen, it was a good night. The course looked good, some guys even played 27 holes but we're still gonna play Winter Rules until we are sure. Keep that cash coming in, we are close to our goals and let me know if you will be missing soon. From my inquiries Friday, all who played then will be there this week plus Grandpa Hartzel will arrive at the course not long after his granddaughter arrived on the planet. Maybe some day, a Grandpa Division. I think there are 7 or 8 of you old bastards at this point. Congratulations...

5/5/2023, Part 2

To paraphrase my junior Commissioner and understudy Roger Goodell of the NFL, " The top-ranked Bobby Jones Division has acquired Kozy Jon Koziel from the Gary Player Division for future considerations to be named at a later date. " Top ranked officials claim this move will strengthen the competition within both divisions and that with his improved play, Jon deserves this promotion.

Kozy has been a bomber for some time but now there is an element of control in his game and he is finding his drives after his lesson with a PGA professional. There is a commercial where the famous rock guitarist Slash is auditioning for a spot in a band and after a few notes it is obvious he has what it takes and wins the spot. Kozy equals Slash. Trading session remains open. To earn a spot in the league, pay your dues...

The Yearly Skins Game run by Dan Danlovich costs $20 and begins today. You don't have to pay today but if you are interested let him know. He's the guy who looks like Dan Danlovich. Last year we had 100% in and I think Rick Wesche took it all and then as you can see, he took off...

The $10 Skins game covers Skins, Handi-Skins and the Closest to the Pin contests on the Par 3s. Winning shot must be on the green. If everyone misses the green, the other par 3 winner gets it all. You can pay the $10 before, after or during the round or leave it with a trustworthy fellow league member. Good luck with that...

5/5/2023

4:16 Martin* - John Kisic* .5, Dave Kisic* - Smitty* 3.5
4:24 JR - Novak 2, JR - Smith 2.5, Novak - Smith .5, sub Deb Smith
4:32 Celano* - Harrington 1, Pendrick - Dave Balaka 3
4:40 Koziel - Polkowski 3, Prokop - Dave 2.5
4:48 Danlovich - Randy Walla 2, Zalewski - Kendall E
4:56 Josh Benko - Jimmy Walla 5.5, Palo - Bascom 1.5
5:04 Curmi - Jamie Benko* 1, Romeo* - Macek .5
5:12 Jeff Balaka - Lynch 1, Anderson - Reseigh 4.5

SKINS: $10, see me before the round or toss it on the table as you finish. Group 1: grab the markers please.

* Forward tees . All others WHITE. "Winter rules", Roll 'em or Lift, Clean and Place if you Like thru the green.

Hole # 4 . The sand trap is undergoing repairs. You are entitled to the normal Lift, Clean and Place rules applicable to all sand bunkers PLUS you can move the ball further back in the trap to ease your escape from the newly positioned wooden structure you will find. PRO TIP : Avoid the trap.

Grandpa Jeff Hartzel is scheduled to return next week. Those absent, please let me know. Also, if you have tee time preferences/restrictions, let me know also.

Finally, accompanied by 3 other hardy souls, I played 18 holes here last Sunday and found the greens to be in fine shape and the drainage improved. Enjoy the day. Or be miserable if you'd rather. See you Friday.

4/23/2023

Gentlemen,
This morning we are pleased to announce the 2023 members of the RKGL. A fifth division has been added for your golfing pleasure so subsequently The Final Four becomes The Fantastic Five who will qualify for the playoffs and ultimately The League Championship. Details to follow.

The first tee time for next Sunday April 30 is NOON. Cost for the day is $10 which goes for Handicapped and Natural Skins. There is also the Closest-to-the-Pin contest worth $25 on each of the 4 par 3 holes typically sponsored by our Sugar Daddys Tim Martin and Terry Celano. Matches and pairings to be announced later in the week as all absentees become known. Dues for the league are $550 : Cash, Check to Joe Ranusch, Paypal to jaugust2011@hotmail.com. With full payment of our greens fees to Salem Hills, our league is rewarded with a free week of golf, a value of $864 best re-paid back to you in the form of rain checks or "sold" to our Fall League members. Of your $550, $532 goes to the course for greens fees. $3 to the prize fund, $15 for lap dances.

BOBBY JONES : Jeff Pendrick, Mark Zalewski, Dan Danlovich, Josh Benko, Jimmy Walla and New Kid in Town Rickey Kendall

ARNOLD PALMER : Tim Martin, Terry Celano, Dave Kisic, John Kisic, Jamie Benko, Bruce Romeo and Chris Smith a.k.a. Smitty

LEE TREVINO : Rusty Lynch, Mike Curmi, Jack Reseigh, Jeff Balaka, Bob Macek and returning members Ken Anderson and Dave Balaka. Welcome back

GARY PLAYER : Jeff Hartzel, Jon Koziel, Greg Prokop, Raja Dave and returning from job related issues/ suspension Greg Polkowski, and subs promoted from list of "wannabees" Mike Palo and Brandon Bascom

JACK NICKLAUS : Defending Champion Russ Zarras, Randy Walla, Pat Harrington, Gary Novak, Terry Smith, Rick DaPra and Joe Ranusch

Each 9 hole match is worth 10 points ; one per hole and one per handicapped totals. Gimme putts exist but DO NOT EXPECT THEM TO BE GRANTED, especially when playing more than one opponent at a time. Playing two opponents during one round is a popular way to make-up matches for which you have been absent. One of The Final Five playoff matches will be a 3 way like Charlotte Flair, Rhea Ripley and Becky Lynch. No relation to Rusty unfortunately. Details to follow.

Another make-up match option is the Pre-League match which begins around 2:15 on Fridays, a couple of hours before your regular match. Pre-league costs $12 and is often full of guys just tuning up for their rounds. One such infamous Pre-Leaguer is Randy Walla who reports that Salem looks great, tees to greens including the sand traps which are nevertheless recommended to avoid. Those unavailable for Opening Day WHO HAVE NOT CONTACTED ME, now is a good time. As soon as a final number is determined, the pairings will be announced.

Sadly, for those who haven't heard, Joe Danlovich, brother of Dan and Mike passed away a couple weeks ago in California. He had subbed in the league years ago and he was a fun guy, a good man, a Danlovich. Sympathy to our friends Dan and Mike.

Our friend Mark Szerlag, one of our Founding Four league members at Fellows Creek in 1991, has lost both of his parents this winter with visitation for his father Don from 2 to 8 pm tomorrow at the Vermeulen-Sajewski Funeral Home in Plymouth and Tuesday funeral service 10 am at St. Thomas a Becket. BAE

Golf is a tool we use to stay close to our friends as we age. If you have the time, please let our friends know you are thinking of them at this time. Thank You friends... Joe

4/9/2023

Happy Masters Sunday,

And Happy Easter too. Time to roll away the Stone, exit your Man Cave and get ready for golf. 21 days from today we begin the 32nd season of the Ralph Kramden Golf League. Just like our football counterpart the NFL, our league is undergoing some last minute free agent signings and our roster is not yet set but we do know that former Kramdenites Ken Anderson and Dave Balaka are returning to the fold.

Our green's fees during the final season of the old ownership was $21 per Friday round, doubled to $42 for the Sunday rounds. With the new owners we have seen an increase to $27 per Friday round with an average price of $50 per Sunday round. Specifically, $45 for the April round and $55 for the Raccoon Classic league finale Sunday August 20 which will begin at 2 pm, just like today's Masters coverage.

With those rate increases our league dues will increase to $550. The course will give us a free week of golf if we are paid in full by our first Friday which is May 5 so we ask that you get your dues paid during the Opening week. Cash, Checks to Joe Ranusch, PayPal at jaugust2011@hotmail.com. As this is a trend throughout the world of golf, we must ask our future selves if we wish to accept the ever increasing cost of golf, or if we should take cost-cutting measures like reducing our season by a Friday or perhaps the Opening Sunday. But these issues are down the road.

Defending 2022 League Champion Russ Zarras will be in Florida during Opening Day, Jeff Hartzel will be out on maternity Grandpa Watch, the world could use a few more Hartzels, and Rick DaPra will be recovering from his annual knee replacement surgery. This trio will join the league in progress and we look forward to that happy happy day. In the meantime, any others who will miss either the Opening Sunday or Friday, please let me know.

Currently on CBS is a Jim Nantz special documenting the career of Tom Weiskopf, who was a really good player and even better designer of courses. His Cedar River, associated with Shanty Creek, is a personal favorite of mine with 6 par 5s, 6 par 4's and 6 par 3's or as Smitty would say, "6 par 5's, 6 par 6's and 6 par 7's". One Weiskopf story that will not be shared during the telecast regards the 1975 Masters, which Tom co-lead after 54 holes with Johnny Miller, followed closely by Jack Nicklaus. The Weiskopf family tradition was that when contending for a Sunday win, Tom and the Mrs. would "have a go at it " and that ritual outweighed the fact of recent surgery upon the family penis for the removal of some genital warts.

In one account, the aftermath of their session was like the horse's head scene in The Godfather with blood spurting all about their rental home bedroom. CBS golf commentator Ben Wright, who was also a houseguest, was summoned to the scene and he arranged for his local dentist to perform one of the most delicate stitch jobs in the history of golf. With a 40 foot putt on number 16, Nicklaus would win his fifth green jacket by one shot but certainly Tom Weiskopf was the most courageous man that day in Georgia. And now you know the rest of the story...

Details regarding the membership and divisions will be released soon with the opening pairings of course. Thank you all for your continued interested in the Ralph Kramden Golf League. "Ask not what your golf league can do for you; ask what you can do for your golf league." Enjoy today's Masters as I will enjoy seeing you all in three weeks time. Until then...

9/30/2022

It is known. Each man has three deaths. Not including any close calls one may have along the way, we all got it coming. The Grim Reaper will visit us all. Death Number One. Then our friends and loved ones will memorialize our passing with a service of some sort; a funeral or visitation or perhaps a spectacular scattering of ashes like in the Big Lebowski movie. Death Number Two. The third Death, perhaps the saddest death of all, is when you are both gone and forgotten. But with a proper set of friends this death never has to occur.

Last night Dave Balaka and I were telling Ron Boal stories and there are plenty of good ones to tell. It is known. Today, thanks to a golf tournament organized by his good friend Rusty Lynch, many more of us will gather and tell many more stories about Ron. We will laugh and enjoy ourselves and we will remember Ron. It is good.

Golf is the perfect vehicle to begin and to maintain and then to extend lifetime friendships. Earlier this year we lost our friend Bryan Zaydel and we will strive to keep his name alive as well. Monday, October 10 at Salem Hills we will celebrate the VD Open, a Two-Person Scramble tournament that goes back to the 70's, almost 50 years. Vic D'Orco was a local postman looking for something to do on his Columbus Day Holiday. He settled on golf with his friends. Years go by. The Columbus Day event grows in popularity. Entering his golf cart at the Fox Hills first tee Vic suffers a fatal heart attack saying, "Go on ahead without me." So we have.

Tim Martin kept the day going for over forty years. And now I am. The first tee time for Bryan Zaydel's VD Open is 10:24 am. Grab a partner, form a foursome or go solo. Just let me know. Summer has ended, autumn has arrived and winter is coming but there's plenty of time to laugh and enjoy quality moments with our good friends. It is known... Thank you Rusty. Long Live Ron!

9/26/2022

The Jeffs Rule: Week one the best round Jeff Balaka. Then week two Jeff Pendrick. Finally last week Jeff Hartzel. I've sent an invitation to Jeff Daniels for week, pretty sure Jeff Dahmer is unavailable. Only ten players last week, word must have got out that the High School team had a road game. Those looking for a tune-up before Rusty's big Ron Boal Memorial tournament Saturday at Glenhurst in Redford can contact me for a tee time. Last year's winning team was this year's League Champ Russ Zarras, multi-champs Pendrick and myself, and the great Pat Harrington. This year the team is even better. Contact Rusty to see if any openings for you.

While the US captured the President's Cup, the best thing that may have happened was the addition by subtraction of cancers Mickelson, Reed, Koepka & DeChambeau to the Saudi-backed LIV tour. Phil famously tossed Capt. Tom Watson under a bus, Reed is a notorious cheater and ne'er-do-well, and the Brooks-Brandon fueds have become a bit of a team distraction. May they never return to our national teams or our nation's television screens, happily rotting away with all that dirty Saudi cash. Which Jeff will triumph this week? Tune in Friday. To change your name to Jeff, let me know. The emergency call to Mark Zalewski last week? Nothing major. He bought a house while in the 9 hole rough.

8/22/2022

Zarras Douses Novak...

Salem Hills, Mi. - Retired Detroit firefighter Russ Zarras extinguished the championship dreams of veteran Kramdenite Gary Novak with a tough as nails performance that featured a dazzling mix of camaraderie, sportsmanship and competition. Opening slowly with a quadruple bogey 8 on the first hole, Zarras steadily gathered steam eventually losing the front nine hole match 6-4 before rallying to win five of the first six holes for a back side win of 8-2 and the title. The Championship Match was played Even Up, no strokes given, none taken and the final scores of Zarras 90 to Novak 91 was reflective of that. Only 4 of the 18 holes were tied. Well done.

Afterward the Champ confessed that he'd "been less nervous running into a burning building with babies crying inside than facing Gary Novak on the golf course." Novak was tough, classy and gracious in the form and fashion of recent Kramden runners-up Jimmy Walla, Rusty Lynch and Mike Griefenberg. Dire weather forecasts for the afternoon proved to be unreliable and as gloomy as the morning appeared, not one person called in to bail out. A tribute to the soul and grit of you members. I thank you for your commitment and for your generous gift and look forward to our next meeting.

If there was a shocker it came in the Raccoon Classic team event won by Bruce Romeo and Bob Macek. Macek hadn't played real competitive golf in years and took the regular season to find his game which he most certainly has in the month of August. Bob's birdie on number 5, a ten footer net eagle won the team a skin and proved to be the winning margin of victory. As for Bruce Romeo. "Bruce Romeo? I thought you was dead." "Not hardly," came the response. There's a lot of pent-up rage in his drive and wearing his post-office issued knee-high socks, he is one tough hombre. Congrats to you both and to the genius who created your partnership. Barring a Finals Match next season, your team will re-unite to defend your title.

Defending champions from 2021 Matt Walla and Bob Gorczyca won a skin with their birdie on 11 but were otherwise unable to capture their magic from last year. The team of Dan Danlovich and former League Champion John Kisic finished second with 74, one shot behind Bruce & Bob. Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "it might have been." Still, an afternoon of good golf, good friends, good tunes and good smoke, not too bad.

Gun for hire Andy Deneen returned and teaming with the Fabulous Raja Dave skinned number 3 with Raja's 3 net 1. The fourth and final skin, each worth $80 went to the Terry Smith - Jeff Hartzel team for their birdie on 8. The Yearly Skin$ were each worth $300 and were paid out to Rick Wesche for his birdie on 13 and Josh Benko for his eagle on 4, Josh winning his first League Money title as Jeff Pendrick, the Kramden version of Bernhard Langer, is keeping a low profile after his recent tax audit. Thank you 2021 Champ Jeff for your fine crowning of 2022 Champ Russ and to the team who assembled the scoresheet determining the day's winners and losers but truly, were there really any losers? Just those who stayed away perhaps...

Finally, a sad good-bye to golf great Tom Weiskopf who has died at the age of 79. Winner of 16 Tour events including the 1973 Open at Troon, Weiskopf had one of the most beautiful swings in history. He was an accomplished designer of courses, his Cedar River up near Shanty Creek is one of my favorites. I love the mixture of six each: pars 3, 4s and 5s. Tom was working for CBS at the 1986 Masters when Jim Nantz asked him what was going through Jack Nicklaus' mind as he was making a great run and was now waiting to hit his tee shot on 16. " If I knew how his mind worked," Tom replied, " I would have won a few more of these Masters myself."

My best Weiskopf story occurs at the 1975 Masters where Tom had a great chance to win tied with Johnny Miller after three rounds. A Weiskopf family tradition was that if Tom had a chance to win a tournament that the Mrs. would ride him hard the night before so he could get some sleep. At issue here though was a recent surgery to remove penile warts from the family Penis. They went for it and upon completion, Tom was oozing more than the usual "product" but tons and tons of blood. Augusta rental mansion housemate Ben Wright of CBS, called it a "real gusher."

Fortunately Wright knew a local doctor, a dentist actually, who stitched the golfers' club together allowing Weiskopf to play on Sunday in one of the greatest Masters' of all time, Jack of course the winner. Ben Wright would call the performance one of the bravest in all sports history despite Tom's runner-up finish. Rest in peace Mr. Weiskopf. Congrats to our Champions Zarras, Romeo and Macek and to all of you for a remarkable season I was able to participate in and enjoy. Good Friends equal Good Times resulting in Good Memories. Thank you again...

8/20/2022

Gary Novak advanced to the League Championship Match nipping Rick Wesche 6-4 in a tight battle that came down to the last hole where they both made bogeys. A Wesche par would have resulted in a playoff. In the other match, Russ Zarras boot-stomped, bitch-slapped and obliterated the hapless, feeble Commish 6.5 to 3.5. Congratulations to both of the victors on their fine performances and best of luck Sunday.

The team of Terrific Timmy Martin, Mighty Mike Curmi and the pretty decent Mark Zalewski won the 3 Man Shambles Tournament by one shot with a dramatic Zalewski greenside EAGLE putt on the final hole edging Jumpin' Jack Reseigh, Dandy Don Taylor and Crusty Rusty Lynch 32-33. These two teams also earned the night's only 2 Skin$ with the eagle on 18 for the Champs and a birdie on 13 for the runners-up. Congrats to you both. The veteran club of Smith, Celano and Hartzel grabbed one Closest-to-the-Pin while Danlovich, Leggert & Kozy had the other.

The following pairings are announced using the best knowledge available at the time and are subject to change, just like professional wrestling. The prized early times were given out in the order of their request. Sorry for the inconvenience but thank you for realizing that there was indeed an event this Sunday which is more than one league member can say. Forecasts look at a stormy Sunday but all we can do at this point is hope for the best and adjust accordingly. Kind of like life.

History notes that the fraternal lodge of our namesake held a yearly two-man golf tournament fostering good competition and camaraderie while downing numerous beverages of the adult variety. While the beverage downing is optional, the camaraderie is mandatory...

SKIN$ = $300 approx. C2Pin = $25 each provided by Sugar Daddies Tim Martin & Terry Celano. Tim will also personally donate $50 for each and every hole-in-one made. This year the Raccoon Classic is generously sponsored by Terry Celano with his gift of $450 divided similarly to the Shambles : 1st = $150, 2nd = $90, 3rd = $70, 4th = $60, 5th = $50 and 6th = $40

The first 6 holes of the competition are BETTER-BALL WITH HANDICAP. Each player plays his own ball until completion and records those scores as well as the better of the 2 scores as the team score Some of the lower handicap teams or the the teams with non-league members will find a stroke adjustment during this portion of the tournament. All scorecards are provided to the players by The Committee.

The middle 6 holes are ALTERNATE SHOT and are considered the most difficult part of the tournament. Your team selects which member will tee off on even numbered holes with the other teeing off on the odd holes. After your partner tees off, find that ball and you hit from there. Etc., etc. All players will use the WHITE TEES ON HOLE NUMBER 8. On all of the other holes, the MAGNIFICENT 7 will use the forward tees while the others use White.

The final 6 holes are 2-Man Scramble with a NEW TWIST THIS YEAR, one mandatory tee shot per team member, a strategy move used in yesterday's 3 Man Shambles. Please note on card.

Finally, I must report a rather tense meeting between myself and course management before play Friday night. If you recall, the incentive at the beginning of the season was to pay our entire balance by the May 6 deadline to receive a free week of play which was to occur in the course of our regular season. However, during the course of our regular season we had two rain-outs which to my thinking resulted in 2 weeks or 64 rounds of golf valued at $1,664. The offer I got from the course was a free week of play at the end of our season which would be this upcoming Friday August 26 as well as 32 rain checks which we can use during the fall league which begins Friday September 9th at 4:16 pm. I believe I have at least convinced the pro Jason Rammler about the merit of 64 rain checks or perhaps carrying over whatever value we have left onto next season's down payment for the 2023 league. This all means absolutely nothing to most of you who should have our old-time attitude of "Show up, Play and Enjoy." This is a story though about how difficult it is to assemble a budget report with a potential gap of as much as $832. This will all work itself out and be rectified. Those who don't plan on returning next year will be compensated accordingly and those who wish to play in the fall please let me know ASAP. I'm tired but will have more later or perhaps in the morning when we learn of Andre's participation. An odd number of participants will result in me taking on all you sons of bitches so sleep on that if you can... And best of luck to all of you involved in Sunday's event.

8/13/2022

FINAL FOUR - RICK WESCHE vs. GARY NOVAK +7, COMMISH vs. ZARRAS +2.5

Probable 3-Man Shambles Teams : Back 9, Times to be determined

Celano, Smith & Hartzel
Lynch, Reseigh & Don Taylor
J.Kisic, Romeo & Smitty
Walla, Walla & Prokop
Balaka, Benko & Benko
Pendrick, DaPra & Raja
Zalewski, Curmi & Martin
Danlovich, Leggert & Kozy

OUT: August 19 - Dave Kisic, Harrington, Macek, M.Danlovich, Polkowski ; IN: DTaylor
OUT: August 21 - Rick DaPra, M.Danlovich, Polkowski ; IN: M.Walla & B. Gorczyka

NOTE: Skin$, Handi-Skin$ and Annual Skin$ listed on Results page are probable not official bearing double check. Averages have only been re-calculated for Final 4, others to follow. Same with the money list. TBD

NOTE: The Shambles is a 3 man scramble, but it requires 2 tee shots be used by each player, so some strategy is useful. There is the usual $10 entry fee next week for all league members present. The prize fund will total approx. $450 likely payable as: $150 1st, $90 2nd, $75 3rd, $60 4th, $45 5th, $30 6th. C2Pins will be the usual $30, and while there are obviously no Handi-Skins, there is a SKIN$ game. If you have any attendance issues for next weekend, now would be a good time to disclose it.

FINALLY, while he did not win a division this year, finishing tied for second place in the Bobby Jones, Dan Danlovich has had a fine two-week stretch of 38 LW and 36 this week for a 74 total, matching that of Canadian Ace Rick Wesche, 39-35. Dan has shot that well while running collections for the Annual Skin$ Game, and as we all know, bookkeeping ain't easy. Thank You Dan, that game adds a great deal of interest to the league, especially among Josh & Rick. A big shout-out and Congrats to Bob Macek, who earned his first cash on the Money List by tying Danlovich for under Average #1 with a 41, 3.8 shots under.

8/10/2022

Playoff Scenarios: Or as they say in the Clown Posse, "The What If's?"...

In the Bobby Jones division, the winner of the Wesche-Zalewski matches most likely is the division Champion. But "what if" the leaders tie 5-5, and Randy goes apeshit on DD 7-3, then a 3 way tie would occur with 88 pts and we go to a "sudden death" playoff, a phrase which a man like me uses carefully.

The Gary Player division leader Jeff Hartzel, 84 pts., is vacationing. "What if" Greg Prokop takes 6 and/or Jeff Balaka takes 7? Then we have a 3 way playoff next week when Hartzel is present. Or what if Novak takes 6.5 and Balaka takes 7, then we got another 3 way. With 8.5 points, even Terry Smith has a chance. It's like herding chickens.

Jack Nicklaus leader Mike Curmi is vacationing with Jack Reseigh. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Pack lots of tanning butter. Russ Zarras trails Curmi by 3 points so he must take at least 3.5 from the gritty Rick DaPra. A 7-3 DaPra victory would mean a Curmi-Zarras playoff next Friday. An 8-2 Dapra victory would mean a Curmi-DaPra playoff next Friday. Also in the Nicklaus division, PBR, Points Buffet Rusty, is shutting down for the regular season due to a combination of simple load management and numerous health code violations. He's a mess. First Old Mexico closes down then the Points Buffet. Hopefully Happen Garden is safe.

Arnold Palmer old-timers Tim Martin and The Commish will hobble and bobble about the premises with one of them likely stumbling upon victory. Should be fun regardless of the result.

Possibly by the end of Friday's play, we will know who has made the Final Four. During the course of the next week, we will announce the 3-Man Shambles teams and eventually, the Raccoon Classic partners. The Clown Posse XL including J.Kisic, Romeo and Smitty will compete under the leadership of Bruce's daughter Lola. The Lynch Mob with Jack Reseigh, Don Taylor and PBR himself have signed on. Bob Macek and Dave Kisic will be absent. Others, let me know. Raccoon teams are primarily selected on a high-low basis but hocus pocus is very real and in fact likely...

Good luck to all of you contenders. And get your money to Mr. Danlovich for the Annual Skins' Game. Rick Wesche has captured one with his birdie on #13. The Commish lipped out an 8 footer on #17 last Friday, letting yet another virgin allude his grasp. So 17 finishes the season intact. Josh Benko's eagle on #4 is still holding up, while #7 remains a virgin. The Annual Game concludes this week.

Next week, the Final 4 and 3-man Shambles. Next Sunday, The Raccoon Classic featuring an 18 hole Championship Match between the winner of the Jones-Player Champ contest and the Palmer-Nicklaus Champ showdown. The 2-Man teams play 6 holes of better-ball with handicap; 6 holes of alternate shot and 6 holes of Scramble. Good bye Al. Maybe you can ranger here at Salem Hills next year...

7/30/2022

We golf insiders talk about "Sunday pin placements", when the greenskeeper sets the flags in particularly difficult to reach and score on locations, like tucked behind a bunker or on a heavily sloped section of the green. There are two reasons for this. First, Sunday is usually the championship round of most tournaments where the best players are challenged to display their variety of skills throughout the round. Second, and mostly because the greenskeeper is an old drunkard hungover from a typical Saturday night of debauchery, so he's in a miserable mood and wants to punish the whole world rather than responsibly mix in some extra water and Excedrin and feel somewhat human.

Judging from last Friday's scores, the greenskeeper had a great Thursday meal and may have gotten laid to boot. The pins were all centrally located and the holes even seemed larger than usual which is not in all cases desirable and may be surgically repairable. Nevertheless, Josh Benko was brilliant with a four birdie 34 but the joy of match play is that his opponent, Jon Koziel was up to the challenge with a two birdie 38 halving the match, 5 to 5. My two opponents, Dave Kisic and Jamie Benko were bulldogs as well, as I won a match by a half stroke and lost a match by a half stroke. The Handicap Committee is on fire! By the way, Jeff Pendrick shot 43, sparking whispers of point-shaving and worse, a recurrence of his meta-amphetamine abuse. Thoughts and prayers for League Defending Champ JP.

As Frank Sinatra sang and Paul Anka wrote, "And now, the end is near." August has arrived and the four divisional races are as competitive as I can remember. Some are finishing strong with the mighty roar of a lion, King of the Jungle, Captain of His Castle. While others will whimper, apologize and reach into the nightstand for one of her female appliances. A foursome of the latter, Jimmy Walla, Brian Leggert, John Kisic and Smitty will gather this Friday to commiserate and console each other with 9 holes of golf and merry-making. You can follow their smoke signals around the course. By the way, congrats to Leggert who won his first match of the season last week against PBR, Points Buffet Rusty. Don't tell Leggs that his friends all chipped in "to buy a pro to bust his cherry," as Lynch makes it looks like true love before he gives it up. It's a great skill. The man is a genuine artist.

Certain matches will have to be played Friday to meet divisional quotas. A wild Jones division 3 way will occur with Dan Danlovich, Mark Zalewski and Josh Benko. Special guest Andy Deneen with his unique golfing and emergency room skills will referee. Randy Walla needs two matches and one of them is the aforementioned Pendrick who is in rehab as this is written. Wesche and Kozy are booked to face each other and nephew Jimmy is busy. Smitty is busy, so is Raja. Randy's mystery opponent should be someone he is familiar with, with a similar handicap. Hmmm...

Anyway, the point being that any matches for a true competitor have to be legit and appropriate and we may not be able to accomodate all pre-league requests depending upon your opponent's availability. Randy may be available early but his significant other may not be. Same with Jeff Hartzel or Mark Zalewski. We shall see. As of today, the only absences I know of are Greg Polkowski and Mike Danlovich. Can this be true? Let me know. The panel discussion is commencing on Meet the Press, see you there. More later...

7/24/2022

Consider the case of Tim Martin. One new hip. Two big matches. 18 holes. 112 years old. Closest-to-Pin winner on #17. No trouble falling asleep Friday evening. Well done Tim.

Consider the case of Bruce Romeo. Survived one assassination attempt. Two big matches. 18 holes. Career best score of 40 his first time around the back side, including a birdie 3 on #13. Mind-boggling 55 the second time around, including a Bill Freehan 11 on #13. A difference of 8 shots between pre-league and League, but he was much older, 3 hours older. What a great headline it would've made if his birdie cancelled Wesche's birdie for a Yearly Skin, but Pre-League doesn't count. Nice hole though...

Updated 2022 Skin Game : #1 Randy Walla, #7 virgin, #13 Wesche, #17 virgin. See DD

Salem Hills is lookin' good and many played Pre, Post and League. 27 holes for some including Super-Subs Dan & Nick Cotter. With the sub fund approaching $600, it is important to remember how crucial they are to the league's overall financial health. Once again we have 3 tee times: 2:16, 2:24 and 2:32 for next Friday, July 29 and we hope contenders like the Benkos, Mark Zalewski, the Fabulous Raja, Mike Danlovich, Jeff Hartzel, Gary Novak, Patraig Harrington and Russ Zarras can make it out early to play, but doubleheaders are another option.

Randy Walla & Greg Prokop are scheduled to be absent, others let me know. Subs Dan & Nick Cotter scheduled to sub. While some of your seasons are beyond repair, we hope to have 15 played matches before the August 12 Position Round. Reseigh and Hartzel are scheduled to be absent the 12th and will have played 16 matches by then.

Once again: the Final Four, including The 3-Man Shambles, are August 19. Macek & Dave Kisic will miss. Division winners who miss will FORFEIT. The Finals and The Raccoon Classic will be held Sunday August 21. League Finalists who miss will result in FORFEIT.

Friday subs: DC 43, NC 44, DT 45, Chopek 47, Palo & Higgins 52, Deb inc. Thank you all.

7/12/2022

As you know, this is the week of the 150th OPEN Championship to be held at historic St. Andrews in Scotland. Tonight, Tuesday July 12, Jack Nicklaus will be honored as only the third American to ever receive "the key to the city" making him an honorary citizen of St. Andrews. The other two to be honored in such a way are Bobby Jones and the man I consider to be the greatest American citizen of all-time, Benjamin Franklin. I know what you're thinking. Only the town of St. Andrews, Scotland would have such respect and appreciation for their historical significance and greatness to bestow upon them such a great honor. But you would be wrong. Your very own beloved local golf league, The Ralph Kramden, has honored this threesome by naming a division of their members in their honor. Benjamin Franklin? He was a fellow who routinely enjoyed a good "threesome". Congratulations, Mr. Nicklaus. Oh, and the second greatest American of all-time? Jessica Alba. No question...

Not many stats from last week as we were rained out for the second time this season. Salem Hills' policy is to issue rain checks to reimburse golfers, which I will forward to you, two rain checks for everyone, as soon as they become available. Last week's flooding of the course has put quite a squeeze upon our league schedule, so like Major League Baseball we will be resorting to the always popular doubleheaders over the course of the next two weeks.

Those who would like to play a match pre-league, let me know today as I am preparing the matches and tee times. To the best of my knowledge only the Danlovich brothers are absent this week, along with the departed Greg Polkowski. Still alive, new job. So if you will miss the 15th, this week, let me know. Those missing next week include Mike Danlovich and Josh Benko. Once again, nice round of 35 Josh two weeks ago on the front nine. Well done. And nice 34 Rick Wesche in the pre-league...

6/25/2022

A quick reminder that a gathering among friends for Bryan Zaydel will be held this Tuesday, June 28 at 7 pm, Sandy's By The Beech, 5 Mile Road just West of Beech Daly...

Friday night at Stately Salem Hills National: Once again, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

A total of 13 birdies were made in the prime time session: 2 on number 10, Josh & Pendrick, so long Yearly Skin Randy... 4 on number 14, but Greg Prokop won his first jackpot of the season with a 2 net 1 in the Handi game... Romey and Jimmy on 15, with Bruce winning a Handi, which is nice... And 3 Happy Endings on 18 for Jack Reseigh and the Two Terrys, but Terry Celano won the only Skin of the evening with his birdie on 16.

In honor of a remarkable Stanley Cup Finals, we have revived the long defunct Molson Canadian Three Star Selection with TC being named number 1 Star of the Night. His round of 40, the only round under average earned him UA1, but it featured a pair of triple bogeys, 11 & 17, so he was two under par for the remaining 7 holes. Jeff Pendrick was the only man to break 40, earning Molson #2, and Star# 3 was the long-forgotten Rusty Lynch whose 44 was his best round since an August 6, 2021 39. Correction: Best Round not at Coach's Corner. Wearing a hand-me-down Ron Boal Red Ballybunion shirt, Rusty reminded us all of the League's Number One Emeritus Golfer with his wardrobe choice. Also, times are getting tough in the ice-cube making business, Great Lakes Hotel Supply, with both refrigerators and homeowners making their own, and with Sears going out of business, Rusty doesn't go shopping much any more.

On the ugly side, there were 5 recorded 9s and 10 8's, but hooray zero Kramden 10s. As Salem caters to get more GAM and high school events, the rough has become more difficult to manage without Lift, Clean and Place, making finding the fairways more important. Thus Celano, Pendrick, and Zalewski excel. Rusty just got lucky.

Sad to say, John Kisic has developed a back injury, which is one of the toughest things a golfer can deal with, and something that is so unpredictable we can't plan any matches for him until he is fully recovered. We hope that he will be able to finish out his season League Championship weekend, August 19 and 21, with the Three Man Shambles and The Raccoon Classic. Hopefully Smitty will attempt to play through without his Clown Posse chauffeur.

Finally, to conclude on a good note, a foursome of golfers was so enjoying their round, they decided to extend their play with a couple extra holes, as we often did back in the day. Danny D won the first hole with his partner Mark Zalewski by knocking in what opponents Jeff Pendrick and Randy Walla say was a hundred foot putt, before they evened the score with a bird of their own on the next hole. It was just like the way golf is depicted in the commercials on TV with all the chest bumpin and high fivin and such. Well done... So far we have Curmi, Polkowski and Johnny Kisic out this week. Others? Let me know so we can arrange subs. Thank you

6/19/2022

The "expert" analyst of your beloved Detroit Tigers (outscored 53-11 during the current homestand before Saturday's game) calls a home run for the home team a quadruple buggy whip, as all 4 bases are touched. Here in the Kramden League, we have 4 possible jackpots to win: Skin$, Handicapped Skin$, Under Average, and Closest to the Pin. Two league members captured a rare "QBW" Friday night. Pat Harrington went wild on #3, as Terry Celano busted loose on #6. Congrats...

6/15/2022

EARLY GROUP: If you can all be there early enough, the 2:24 tee time is available which gives you more cushion to make your scheduled evening time. So pick a time, 2:24 or 2:32, agree amongst yourselves and let me know your decision and I will call Salem and cancel the other reservation. Or if others want to use the the reservation, Dan Cotter has inquired, also let me know.

Note to the Gregs: If circumstances have arisen that make participation in the league difficult for you, let me know and I will attempt to find replacements for you for the rest of the season. Thanks

The sub fund, which along with Terry Celano, helps cover costs of the season-ending Raccoon Classic. Tonight the fund will pass the $300 mark, and we estimate the fund will exceed $500 before the finale. The sooner you realize that you will be absent, the more time we have to find a sub, which increases revenue for the Raccoon jackpot.

It's US Open week in the golf world, with this year's tournament being held at the Country Club near Fenway Park outside of Boston. Kramden veterans will recall the drafts we used to conduct to pick the winning team of golfers in this event. Ahh, the amount of available time we used to have. Alas, Time Waits for No One. Mick Jagger has Covid-19. Get well Mick...

The Tuesday June 28 Gathering for Bryan Zaydel, our league's First Champion, begins at 7 p.m. and will be held at Sandy's, a Redford bar at 5 Mile and Beech Daly. This is an informal memorial, so promptness is not an issue. Show up whenever. Just like your league tee times. We hope to unveil the newly dedicated Bryan Zaydel Memorial Cup, our newly christened League Championship Trophy in his honor.

Note to defending Champion Randy Walla: Please bring Trophy to golf Friday so I can get it engraved and I will return it to you for the remainder of your illustrious reign ASAP. Thanks JR

6/10/2022

Usually when the term "antique spooning" is used, it refers to some sort of post-coital collapse by some member of the Arnold Palmer Division and his significant other. Rule me out. Too many blood-thinners. Terry Celano has pilfered a miniature antique spoon from the late 1800's he estimates, and the spoon features the image of a golfer on the handle so Terry has decided to add the spoon to tonight's Under Average contest. In addition to the usual cash reward, this weeks' UA1 will also get the spoon, which is allegedly intended for dumping sugar cubes into your tea cup.

Take it from me kids, I've watched all of "The Wire" multiple times. I used to work the Buffalo Street projects near Nevada and Dequindre. Google The St. Aubin Street Massacre. I was their postman. In Redford, the triple homicide at Dixie and Elmira where the get-away car driver took off without his gunman/partner. Route 3910. All me. My point being: I know a coke spoon when I see one. Oh sure, you seniors can snort your Lipitor and whatnot with this spoon, but seriously, when was the last time you couldn't figure out how to add sugar to your tea without the proper spoon?

Johnny Kisic, I expect to see you on the driving range pre-round sharpening your game for this goodie. Range balls are free every Friday for league members. See you out there...

Note to my foursome, the Danlovich brothers and Russ Zarras, the first five groups are chock full of foot-draggin', tardy-ass lolligaggers so if you can make it to the course a bit early we can get out sooner and commence the after-party like it's 1999. See, a Prince reference. My street cred is off the charts...

Finally, Greg Polkowski starts a new job today and can't make it to golf.

6/9/2022

Last week at stately Salem Hills National with a decent breeze and a bit of rough and the ball played down, scores were up, only one golfer was under his handicap score. That was Randy Walla, who got here early, used a training aid 7 iron with a rubber shaft, hit a bucket of balls, chipped and putted before his round and bettered his handicap by about a stroke and a half. It ain't easy to be under, it's not supposed to be. Statistically speaking, according to the USGA, you should better your handicap maybe 25% of the time. We've gone through this before. Your handicap is a measure of your potential and it's primarily used to protect the field, your opponent, from getting skewered. It is better to overestimate an unknown golfer's potential and "screw him " than to underestimate his potential and "screw everybody else". For example, our best intel was that Brian Leggert was about a 7 handicap but evidence strongly indicates that he is at least a 9. If he skewers us Friday with a 40 we will congratulate him, "pay that man his money" but never buy a used car from him. Establishing a handicap is especially tricky when the player is moving forward from one tee box to another as seven of you have in the past year. On one of Terry Celano's first rounds from the up tees he shot a 36 which affected his number until this week when that round dropped off raising his index a full stroke. Patience my friends. We will play the ball down the rest of the season. If the course institutes cart path only, we will play lift, clean and place...

The new L.I.V. tour started today, with a 42 man field in London with a shotgun start, bands playing and a 4 million dollar first place check. First place at The Masters was 2.7 million. Phil Mickelson has reportedly been paid 200 million. Tiger was offered close to a billion but turned them down. In all, the PGA has suspended 17 members for their participation in the new tour, which can be seen on YouTube, and has 5 events in the United States. Golf talent has been spread so thin that Rick Wesche is the betting favorite at the Rocket Mortgage Classic at the Detroit Country Club. Pendrick is brushing up on his Saudi Arabian language skills...

Golfweek magazine has ranked the Top 100 Public Courses in the country, with Michigan having six of them: 94. Arcadia Bluffs South opened in 2018, 85. Eagle's Eye in Bath, Mi. 2003, 60. Forest Dunes in Roscommon designed by Tom Weiskopf 2002, 43. Forest Dunes The Loop, a reversible course that you play in one direction on even numbered dates and the opposite way on odd numbered dates 2016 (oh, to watch the Clown Posse tackle this course), 34. Greywalls at Marquette Golf Club 2005 and 26. Arcadia Bluffs' Bluffs Course 1999. I've been fortunate enough to play 5 of the 6, having missed out on The Loop, and enjoyed Greywalls the most because it was with my daughter, but the Bluffs is awesome. I have learned to really appreciate a sunset at Salem with a cold one surrounded by friends, on a non-controversial Friday night after battling health issues that can limit playing ability or perhaps end it all together. I propose that we go forth the rest of the season in the spirit of our departed friend Bryan Zaydel, who was our League's first Champion in 1992. He loved to compete and he loved to have fun. A beer was always close, and a wisecrack was just a matter of time. Here's to Bryan. Rest in peace, Champ...

6/1/2022

NEWS & NOTES:
The Saudi Arabia sponsored L.I.V. Golf Tour debuts this weekend in London, England with players like Sergio Garcia, Lee Westwood and Ian Poulter. The big surprise though is Dustin Johnson defying the PGA Tour and risking the loss of his Tour card with his participation. Once again, DJ proves he's got a set of "big ones". Not only has he tamed Paulina Gretzky, but he's joined Greg Norman and become a golfing "free agent." Now we find out how the Tour will respond, and if Phil Mickelson will remain in hiding or grab that Guaranteed cash he needs to pay off his gambling debts...

Speaking of Phil, 2003 was a bad year for him as it was for your beloved hometown team, the Detroit Tigers. Oddly enough the Tigers helped Phil become a Major Champion. For the first time in his career, Mickelson went winless that season and the Tigers nearly did too, having lost a record 119 games. Lefty as some called him or Hefty as others did or "the fat boy" as Tiger's mom referred to Phil, was determined to pursue a career in baseball just like Michael Jordan and the Tigers, perhaps looking for a big draw at the late season box office agreed to give him a tryout with the Toledo Mud Hens. During the week of the Jack Nicklaus Memorial Tournament, golfers like Paul Azinger, Fred Couples, Justin Leonard and Jay Haas accompanied Mickelson as he pitched batting practice to Mud Hens like Steve Avery and Fernando Rodney. Manager Larry Parrish didn't want Phil crushed by a line drive by a regular so he just sent out some pitchers to hit and even though Lefty offered $300 in cash for any homer hit off him, no one could collect. "Those guys hadn't seen a pitch at 68 miles per hour since the sixth grade, said Azinger, "they couldn't touch him." Rehabbing an injury at the time, current skipper-then Tiger catcher A.J. Hinch confirms the top speed was 68 with a split finger pitch in the 50's. But Phil had taken this seriously, and busted his ass for the first time in his career with a personal trainer and got into the best shape of his life, going on to win the 2004 Masters and 5 more majors down the road...

Finally, I think it all got started by Michigan college basketball coach JuWaun Howard who slapped an opposing coach. Then it was Will Smith smacking Chris Rock and then baseball player Tommy Pham of the Reds whacking the Giants Joc Pederson. It may be all the rage fellas, but please don't wallop Ranger Ron. We'd have lots of explaining to do...

5/30/2022

Benton Harbor, Michigan, the hometown of World Champion wrestler Bobo Brazil, master of the Coco Butt, hosted last weekends' Senior PGA Championship at the Jack Nicklaus designed Harbor Shores Golf Course. This course is a bear, no pun intended, but well worth adding to your golfing resume if you enjoy real tough challenges. Also you all must see, if you haven't already, the course's Opening Day highlight featuring a foursome of Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Tom Watson and Johnny Miller, where Miller complains to Designer Jack about an "impossible" putt on the 10th hole. You can imagine what Jack does to that 100 foot "impossible" putt, or you can watch it on Youtube. The putt.

Anyway, I'm watching the coverage Saturday around 4:30 when the announcer says, "We've reached the end of our allotted time for today's coverage..." Out of nowhere, I swear, there was Ranger Ron screaming at Bernhard Langer, "what took you so long? You should have finished half an hour ago." I'm not sure how it finished. I tuned in to see the 4:30 program, "Cindy Crawford's Beauty Secrets." Still gettin' it done, and also owner of a fine Coco Butt...

Two weeks ago I was in a group with Pat Harrington and Pat was the passenger in the opposite cart and he made sure, as soon as driver Dan Danlovich hit the brakes, to hop out of the seat and get to the tee box. This is one of the rangers' gripes. That as a golfer, you don't realize how slow you are, you aren't aware of "your time wasting practices" as they say at the Post Office. Well done, Pat Harrington!

Playing "Ready Golf" means that as a driver you should never be first to hit unless you are all backed up. That passenger in the first cart to reach the tee gets his weapon and hits. Down the fairway, the driver finds the passengers' ball, drops him off and goes to hit his own ball. Then he returns to give that passenger a ride. Yes, it saves a minute or two per hole but that's 20 to 30 minutes per round and that's why you're slow. I know. No time to practice. No time to warm up. You golf to socialize but there is a clubhouse with tables and chairs for socializing. And maybe if you don't dawdle all night on the course, I'll buy you a cocktail and we'll toast to your evolution as a golfer.

As a Scheduler, I also have mistakenly put together too many groups where one foursome will total 160 shots and another will total over 200. This leads to large disparities in playing times and looks bad on our permanent record. I will try to do better. There should also be a twosome from the Magnificent Seven in three of our foursomes each Friday. On the first hole, the Mag 7 pair should hit first and get out of the way. Should be done as often as possible. I have been accused by some of you as being too soft against management, but don't overlook the possibility that your own head is so far up your own ass that you don't always realize what's happening around you. Love you. Rain-outs make me cranky...

Of course, if you are keeping up with the foursome in front of you, please disregard this message.

Mark Zalewski and the Fabulous Raja have scheduled a make-up match for early Friday. Brian Leggert and others have suggested that they might also be available to play. If you'd like to play a make-up early this week, let me know and we'll get it done. After he dispatches of Zalewski, The Raja is off to a rehearsal for "you white people's wedding." Also missing June 3rd is Jeff Hartzel. Any more? Let me know. Thank you...

5/23/2022

Gentlemen,
There is a famous historical anecdote about the American patriot Benjamin Franklin that is retold in the movie "LINCOLN" by the actor Daniel Day-Lewis as our 16th President. It seems Dr. Franklin was in England acting as the ambassador from the colonies, when after a fine meal he needed to use the "water closet." The Lords and Ladies gathered in the room were quite curious about their guests' reaction because a portrait of General George Washington was displayed in the toilet. Having completed his business, Franklin returned to the party unaffected with no reaction at all. Unable to contain themselves, they had to know what he thought of "his great leaders' portrait hung in such a low place." He said he thought the location was "indeed quite appropriate." " After all, nothing makes an Englishman shit his pants faster than the sight of George Washington."

I relay this story because Jimmy Walla had a similar reaction it seems at the sight of Jeff Pendrick last week. In their rematch of the 2021 League Championship match, which Pendrick narrowly won, Jimmy posted a nifty fifty-one. The result was Six and a half to three and a half in favor of General Pendrick. Their meeting did end amicably though, without assassination...

OUT THIS WEEK: Pat Harrington, Mike Curmi & Greg Polkowski others ???

SUBS THIS WEEK: Deb Smith, Mike Palo & TBD

???: Jeff Hartzel

5/18/2022

Rick DaPra and Brian Leggert make their 2022 league debuts Friday night. We welcome them both aboard...

The PGA Championship takes place this week without defending champion PHIL MICKELSON. I was out of town for a couple days this week, but I was accompanied by the new, hot-off-the presses unauthorized biography of PHIL MICKELSON, and it's a real page turner. Why am I mentioning and capitalizing PHIL MICKELSON so much? Because this week I play my good friend and noted PHIL MICKELSON hater Pat Harrington, who visibly begins to twitch at the sound of PHIL MICKELSON'S name... Next week Mike Curmi is scheduled to miss. Any others?

5/11/2022

The Sacred Six, who in the past were the ones using the forward tee boxes, have morphed into the Magnificent Seven as Jamie Benko has joined the pack. Subsequent handicap and point adjustments have been made to his completed matches.

CONGRATULATIONS RALPH KRAMDEN GOLF LEAGUE. WITH 28 OF 32 MEMBERS HAVING BEAT THE MAY 6 DEADLINE WITH THEIR COMPLETE LEAGUE DUES PAYMENT, WE HAVE EARNED A FREE WEEK OF LEAGUE GOLF WHICH WILL TAKE PLACE JULY 1. The league will therefore be playing every Friday from now until August 19 and the season will conclude Sunday August 21. Thank you for endorsing the team spirit required to accomplish this goal.

Speaking of team spirit, it used to be understood among golfing gentlemen, that arriving 30 minutes prior to your scheduled tee time was customary. Sadly these days, with a shortage of both golfers and gentlemen, we too often fall short of that standard. Appealing to that same team spirit you demonstrated in promptly paying your dues, I am imploring you to get off that couch a little sooner and amble out to the course so that we are able to man the tee boxes and get the round going. Perhaps you will have to act like a golfer, to act like a gentleman, to cover for the blissfully ignorant low lifes, lollygaggers and the employed. Yes, some of us have jobs and need a later tee time and this is appreciated and understood.

From the preamble to the League Constitution: " We the people, in an effort to establish a more perfect blend of sport and camaraderie, do hereby ordain and establish this, The Ralph Kramden Golf League. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men shall arrive promptly, golf briskly, tip the waitresses generously and enjoy themselves immensely. " So it is written, so it shall be...

Although the weather and course conditions are expected to be better than anything we have seen this season, Lift, Clean and Place remains in effect this week and you are still allowed to Lift, Clean, Rake & Place in the sand traps until bunker quality improves. However, we do remind you that they are sand "traps" and should be avoided. Quality Tip. You're welcome...

5/9/2022

"It is sloppy. It is miserable." So opened Jim Nantz on the CBS coverage of Saturday's PGA Tour event from Maryland, but we could have used the same description for Friday night's RKGL. Sloppy, miserable, some of the toughest conditions we've ever faced. One wimp even quit after 6 holes. PU$$Y.

Things are looking up as they always tend to do. For this Friday, we are awaiting medical clearance for both Rick DaPra and Brian Leggert. Will they be activated from the Injured List? We shall see. The Commish has been cleared by his heart doctor to resume golfing, but he's still waiting to hear from his ankle doctor and from Moneeek, his groin specialist, who is touring the Vegas circuit during convention month. We shall see.

Subs who have agreed to play Friday include Dan Cotter and Hotshot Matthew Walla, one half of the 2021 Raccoon Classic Championship team and winner of two skins Opening Night Friday. Clearly someone in the Walla family, aside from Colleen, has some real skills. Welcome again Matt. We are putting out a call for other subs, and will get the schedule out after our invitations are answered. Additionally, we offer congratulations to Jack Reseigh, whose bowling team advanced to the Championship roll-off Friday May 13th with a win in last week's semi-final. Maybe if he wins that, he'll return to the golf league and be a little less dominant over the "shaking in their boots" Nicklaus division, which he absolutely owns. We shall see.

Finally, the newly adjusted averages and handicaps have been published in this week's standings sheet. Whereas the USGA uses a standard of best 8 out of 20 scores, our league is now using a best 10 out of your last 14 scores. This more accurately reflects your recent play, and allows for faster changes in the handicapping system. As for the old best 8 of 20 standard, "Ain't nobody got time for that." Scores have also been stroke-controlled, that is, the bad holes during your round are lowered to either a double or triple bogey depending on your handicap. More on this to follow.

And really finally, we are still accepting the remaining golf league dues so we can secure an extra week of free golf this season, 16 weeks instead of 15. We shall see. See you Friday... JR

5/2/2022

Gentlemen,
It was good to see you all again Sunday. Hopefully we shall see the sun again someday. Rick Wesche brightened up the place, though, with a brilliant 71, which earned him a skin on the second hole and Medalist honors in Terry Celano's Tournament of Champions. Last year's League runner-up, Jimmy Walla, won the Big Trophy with a net 72. We all join in to thank Terry for his generous sponsorship of this event, as we also thank Terry & Tim Martin for their sponsorship of our Closest to the Pin Contest, which allowed for an expanded Skin$ Game.

Friday's matches and the revised handicaps will be ready later in the week as we await the availability of several members and our subs. On Friday nights, especially when the other league starts behind us, we will need to watch our speed or more exactly, or lack of speed of play. As focused as you may be on your matches, remember to keep pace with the group ahead of you. This could mean playing "ready golf" which is the first one to the tee box HITS; don't quibble over who is further out, get moving. Eventually you may be asked to skip a hole to catch up. Let's not let it come to that...

4/30/2022

PLAYING CONDITIONS: Historically, we begin our season playing Lift, Clean & Place thru the greens including the sand traps which are Lift, Clean, Rake & Replace. Once we determine that the course is worthy of playing it down, we will declare so.

HANDICAPS: Remember please the distinction between "averages" which are used in sports like baseball and bowling and "handicaps" which we use in golf. Your handicap is the average of the BEST 50% of your scores, in other words, your potential.

"SNEAKIN' IN BEERS": There is specific language in our league contract which grants course management the right to not only toss you from the premises for the night for bringing in alcohol from home, but TO PERMANENTLY BAN YOU FROM THE COURSE WITHOUT REFUND. In the beginning of every new relationship, boundaries are established. Whatever we were used to getting away with in the old days may not be acceptable with a new sheriff in town. Loretta Lynn used to sing, "Don't Come Home from Drinkin' with Lovin' on Your Mind." Loretta controlled the pussy so she made the rules in the same way that Salem Hills controls the course so they make the rules. Please adhere to the rules. We do not know if any leeway exists, so let's take them at their word.

DUES: Thank you to those who have already paid their $525 via check or PayPal. Receipts are being processed this season via e-mail. It is a big goal of ours to pay our entire greens fee bill of $15,360 during the first week of May in order to get a free week of golf added to our playing schedule. If we reach this goal, we will play every Friday night from May 6 until August 19, concluding our season August 21.

ABSCENCES: Rusty Lynch has already informed me he is OUT May 20. He will either play 2 matches at once, or play a make-up match early on a Friday afternoon. YOU GOT 2 OPTIONS. Please alert me ASAP when you know which days you will miss. Do not be shy about reminding me, because I am on a ton of medication. NO SHOW + NO CALL = NO GOOD.

QUESTIONS: Especially new guys like Brian Leggert or Jeff Hartzel , I know you have spoken to your "sponsors" about the league, but if you have any questions for me, feel free to ask. My phone number 313 622 9438, or you shoot me an e-mail at jaugustran@gmail.com. Sunday morning I will be arriving at Salem Hills around 11:30 AM so use the phone if there are weather conditions. Traditionally, if Noah hasn't built a second ark, we play.

4/23/2022

Very tricky to design a proper "Vagina Appreciation Day" greeting card but it might be a real money-maker. A combo of both Valentine's Day and Mother's Day and probably each of the other 363 days in a year. Let's form a committee to dive into it...

This season we return to a more division centered schedule with as many as 9 or 10 of your matches taking place inside your divisions. Many of you will face your Opening Day opponent later in the season toward the end. Thus the terms "rival", "grudge match" or "not this mother fucker again."

"Ask not what your golf league can do for you, ask what you can do for your golf league." Terry Celano has always responded to this plea with great generosity. This season, as we adjust to a big rate increase, the Board of Directors has asked Terry to sponsor the Raccoon Classic prize fund at the end of the season instead of his own Tournament of Champions, and he has agreed.

The 2022 Tournament of Champions will take place Opening Day with a $50 prize for the lowest actual score of a qualifying member and a $50 prize for the lowest net score of a qualifying member as well as the handsome trophy. Two separate winners. To qualify a member has won a division or the League Championship.

$10 entry fee Opening Day. In addition to the Tournament of Champions jackpots, there will be Skin$, Handicapped-Skin$ and Closest-to-the Pin Contests. Once again Celano & Tim Martin contribute to the C2Pin contests and we all thank them for their generosity.

Later in the week this schedule will be updated to include handicaps revised from 2021, mostly from the fall season. I humbly implore you to arrive early enough Sunday to make your Dues & Entry fee payments before you begin play so I can conduct necessary League business while you frolic about the premises. Many or most of the prizes will be dispensed Friday May 6 but we hope you will all be able to sit and socialize for a while following your round as this is a league of both competition and camaraderie. Thanks to 2-time Champion Jeff Pendrick for archiving some of our league history and tradition and thanks to all of you for your help and encouragement as I battle my health issues. See you soon... Joe

4/22/2022

Good afternoon my friends,...
"No harm, no foul" was how my heart doctor described Tuesday's procedure. Easy for him to say, his groin doesn't look like Woodstock the day after. Essentially, "the fishing line" with the stent attached to it, could not reach from my wrist on the first attempt or from my groin on the second attempt to the blockage in my heart. A longer "fishing line" has been obtained and will fix the issue Tuesday, May 3, the third time being the charm.

On a similar medical issue, Rick DaPra is still recovering from a knee replacement and will not begin his golf league schedule until May 13. I am in a similar situation. Make-up matches are primarily played with a pre-league Friday afternoon tee-time.

Unfortunately, family commitments will prevent Mark Szerlag from being a full-time participant in the league this year. From last season's fall league, Jeff Hartzel steps in to fill that spot and the divisions have undergone a few personnel adjustments to reflect this change.

JONES : Pendrick, Wesche, Zalewski, Josh Benko, DDan, RWalla, JWalla, Koziel

WATSON : Novak, T.Smith, Hartzel, Balaka, MDan, Prokop, Polkowski, the Fabulous Raja

NICKLAUS : Lynch, Curmi, Reseigh, Macek, Harrington, Zarras, Dapra, Leggert

PALMER : Martin, Celano, DKisic, JKisic, Jamie Benko, Romeo, Smitty, JR

My long-time friend and co-worker Christopher Smith a.k.a. Smitty sent the following note to me: "Dear Commish, I was going to send my dues into you today but all things considered, I better save it for Rusty." "Saving it for Rusty" is certainly a wise move but if you do want to use the PayPal method for payment, send to jaugust2011@hotmail.com. We are asking for the entire amount $525 prior to May 6 because if our balance is paid in full we get a free week of golf added to our season. This is a savings of $828.

The league begins Sunday May 1 at 1 p.m. and concludes Sunday August 21 at 1 p.m. Moving the starting Sunday times back an hour from noon til 1 is a savings of $448. The "additional, free week" will be July 1. Cash is fine Opening Day as are checks payable to Joseph Ranusch. Later this weekend the Opening Day matches will be published but my groin is barking now and needs some ice. I WILL SEE YOU OPENING DAY ... Joe

4/3/2022

In yet another cost-cutting move, the traditional Sunday afternoon starting times have been changed from Noon on both Sundays (May 1 and August 21) to 1 pm. At 1pm, the greens fees lower from $52 to $45. By starting later, the League saves a total of $448. The previous cost was $31. Although cash is preferred on Opening Day, checks made out to me, Joseph Ranusch, are acceptable as is the Paypal option. For $525, jaugust2011@hotmail.com

For your Sunday viewing pleasure, the PBS Ken Burns documentary BENJAMIN FRANKLIN begins tonight with 2 hours beginning at 8, and repeating at 10. Long-time Kramden members will recall my contention that BF was my pick as Greatest American ever, well ahead of Abraham Lincoln and Jessica Alba. We even had a Benjamin Franklin division for a time. Based upon several threats to resign, plans for the proposed Phil Mickelson division have been scrapped.

For those of you in the lower divisions, Wrestlemania concludes tonight at 8 with Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns in the main event. In defeat, Becky Lynch was spectacular last night as was Charlotte Flair who beat Sloppy Ronda Rousey. Also at 10 on TBS, Kaley Cuoco from Big Bang Theory stars in "The Flight Attendant" about a murdering drunken slut stewardess. Appealing on many levels, you can catch up On-Demand.

Bryan Zaydel was released from the hospital and returned home Thursday. Get well B...

Following his Oscar slap of Chris Rock, major cable channels are pulling the films of Will Smith from their schedules but we all remember The Legend of Bagger Vance and genuine quality advice that we all "have to find our authentic swing". If you forgot that, I bet you remember Charlize Theron stripping down to her skivvies. Also Jack Lemmon's last film.

Estelle Harris, 93 has passed away. Portrayed George Costanza's mother on "Seinfeld." It was her catching George "working on his stroke" over a "Redbook" magazine that began "The Contest" episode that elevated the series to the top. Who can forget the 6:30 sponge baths???

Coinciding with the start of The Masters and the Opening of Major League Baseball, the RKGL will announce a tentative rough draft of our 4 divisions Thursday morning April 7. Tiger is a game day decision for the tournament. At our ages, most of us are...

4/1/2022

Historically gentlemen, we take a moment at the beginning of the season to acknowledge our dearly departed golf league members and welcome the wet-behind-their-ears rookies to the fold.

A previous draft of this newsletter jokingly mentioned that Andy Deneen, Rocky Husaynu and Kevin Cotter would no longer be golfing with us because they were on trial for the attempted kidnapping of Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. Out of nowhere Mr. Cotter appeared and slapped my face upside down , shouting back at me, " KEEP MY NAME OUT YO' FUCKING NEWSLETTER." Well, that certainly escalated quickly.

Upon further review I would like to say that Andy, Rocky and Kevin are all fine golfers and even finer gentlemen. Andy was a trusted lieutenant of mine who kept a fine scorecard and added a touch of class to even the motliest of foursomes. After earning his GED last year he is moving onward in the medical profession but we hope that someday our paths shall cross again.

In his rookie season two years again, Rocky won his division and advanced all the way to The Finals where he played nobly earning a figurative silver medal. He's got a lot of game and is taking his talents down the road to a little place you may have heard of, Plum Hollow Golf & Country Club. I used to play out there in the 80's with the eldest Zarras brother Ray, and I well remember all the beautiful flowers, the magnificent bridge that ran along 9 Mile Road and the view from the elevated deck overlooking the 18th hole reminiscent of Angel's Crossing out near Jackson. Rock, if you're ever slumming it someday, come back and see us again.

When I think of Kevin leaving our midst I am reminded of Dorothy near the end of The Wizard of Oz . "Scarecrow, I think I will miss you the most." Kevin is a former champion but more than that when our league's relationship with Brae Burn was crumbling as the course was in tatters and the grill closed when play ended, it was Cotter who cold-called Salem initializing Kramden's current contract and home course for the past ten years.

I do take comfort in knowing that while his job is taking priority this season he will be popping in often and will return full-time eventually because that is his established pattern. Back in the 80s he ventured west to Arizona with his young family pursuing a job opportunity but when his old Beachwalk softball team needed him for a big tournament, he returned for us. That team was managed by Ron Lushia and featured Gary Novak, Terry Smith, Mark Szerlag and I and we all chipped in for his plane flight.

Unfortunately for us, the evil Mr. Lynch confiscated our prize outfielder and escorted him down 8 Mile Road for Jeff Sheeran's bachelor party that Friday evening. Looking back, as they usually are, Kevin's heart and priorities were in the right place but when he arrived at the Saturday morning ballfield, he was riding in the back of a station wagon that appeared very much to be a hearse. I don't believe he arose until the second or third game but he DID return then and he will again.

WE wish all three of you the best of luck as we do our good friend Jeff Sheeran.

Jamie Benko is a former League Champion and now that he is a former Mailman he is back in the league full-time. The Ralph Kramden League once carried as many as a dozen letter carriers : Larry Bennett, Chris Pilzner, Frank Bujel, the Vincentini brothers, the Kisic brothers, Bruce Romeo, Tim Martin, Smitty and our first Champion, Bryan Zaydel in 1992. Say a prayer for Bryan please. Last year he battled non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and things were looking good until the last month when his medicine neutralized his Covid vaccines and boosters leaving him vulnerable to the virus, hospitalized struggling to regain his health. He's a big Facebook guy so drop him a line if you have a minute. And so now the RKGL has but one postal employee, " It is I, RANOOSH, last of the Postmen."

Bob Macek was a Kramden Man back in the 90s , a league semi-finalist in 2000 and after a 20 year sabbatical, a frequent sub last year. To know Bob is to know a good fellow.

If you don't know Brian Leggert you will soon. Begin with his mid-March introductory letter. His resume is mostly blacked-out like the Warren Report on the Kennedy assassination or White House phone logs but he is a character. Remember though, "just because you are a character, it doesn't mean that you have character."

One of the guiding principles of our league is GOLF WITH YOUR FRIENDS. So long to some of our old friends whom we hope to see again soon and welcome aboard to our new friends, the Class of 22.

1/22/2022

Greetings Gentlemen and Happy New Year,
Hope you are all doing well, staying healthy and preparing for another golf season. Tuesday, January 18, Tim Martin undergoes a double hip replacement. The following week on Wednesday, January 26, Jimmy Walla will have open-heart surgery to replace a faulty valve. He showed a lot of heart in his Championship Match last year and hopefully he will be back and fully recovered this year. Using a Kramden 2 for 1 coupon on the same day, I will be having my ankle surgery. Any excuse to get to those forward tee boxes... Mark Zalewski has already undergone upper-body surgery to his neck-back-shoulder area from his pickle-ball misadventure and soon Randy Walla is expected to have some hernia repair surgery. Mike Curmi and Rusty Lynch among others have been slapped around by this Covid thing which you may have read about. I'm sure there are many other procedures and what-not occuring this off-season and I wish all of you wellness in the coming year. Aging ain't easy but it sure beats the alternative.

Historically, we take inventory during the NFL Playoffs looking for those who will not be returning for the new season so let me know. Opening Day is scheduled for Sunday May 1 (May Day) with the season concluding Sunday August 21 (ironically, Senior Citizen Day). No golf league is scheduled for Friday July 1 which I suspect will be used for an OPTIONAL MAKE-UP DAY in case of an early season rain-out or for those who have missed matches in May or June or those planning on missing July/August matches.

There was golf played in the fall and Randy Walla emerged as the one with the most points. Some people enjoy the Stableford. For 30 years, the Ralph Kramden has been an Invitational Match Play Golf League and will remain so. Your input and opinions , as always, are welcome.

Saturday, January 22 at 5 p.m. Salem Hills will be hosting a 4 Course Chilean Dinner with Wine Pairings for $80 per person. And I was excited about their Chili and Chicken Wings but the Club is stepping up their game and with the improvements it appears they are making to the course during the winter months perhaps its days as a public course are numbered. Perhaps not. I'll be watching the NFL Playoffs and looking forward to hearing from you. With the green fees price increase, dues have gone up to $525 but many of you are in line for a rebate from 2021 and always, installment plans remain available. More on that as I rehab. Interested in the wine sampling and such? Salem Hills phone number is 248-437-2152 and let me know and I'll send you the menu and wines featured. Above all, best of luck Jim. We'll see you Opening Day.

9/22/2021

The Counterfeit Caper: Apparently, just because the ATM does not accept a $100 bill, it does not mean the bill is fake. It seems that some of the older bills lack the distinctive coloration and markings the Treasury Department uses these days to mark the real from the phony. Just as breast implants have improved in quality these days, so has our currency. Terry Celano replaced the suspicious hundred with a newer model and my bookie never suspected a thing. Case closed. Terry emphasizes that any and all diamonds he has sold you guys are also real, and that while it may be easy to be extremely generous with counterfeit cash, he is generous because he is generous. And we are grateful.

9/21/2021

Columbus Day Monday October 11 ?, we will convene another edition of Tim Martin's V.D. Open at Salem Hills, historically a 2-Person Scramble. Teams assemble. Details to follow.

Our friend Rusty is a good man who was raised by a good man who passed too soon . We keep the Lynch family in our hearts. All room of sin activity suspended at this time... JR

9/16/2021

So, after a fun-filled Sunday of golf, I cracked open Friday's envelope of collections, sorted the cash and deposited the hundreds at the Bank Of America. NO, AH AH. A fake hundred. Certainly unbeknownst. We'll work it out. Fool me once, Shame on you. Fool me twice, uh, er, won't get fooled again. We'll work it out.

Here's the thing for Friday. We've got to tighten up. No more lollygagging. It's dark at 7:30. Those unfortunates playing behind you are wanting to finish their rounds and have little tolerance for you searching for your tee ball a hundred yards off-line. Get it together, or pick up and take your double bogey like a man. I WILL NOT SEE ANOTHER 8 ON YOUR FUCKING SCORECARD. Net double bogey. That's the limit. You think I'm nice. You think I'm funny. I'm a fucking terrorist. MOVE IT.

Thursday is the day for revising tee-times.

When the time is 4:08, be on the tee, not the lot, not the clubhouse at 4:00. Be prepared. Be eager. Be enthusiastic. Before I reached the peak of the hill behind the 18th green last week, the ranger was all over me because our first group played in 2:39. This is not the U.S. Open at Winged Foot, and the ranger can be prickly. Small minds have small concerns. And my small brain is all concerned about not clogging up the course because I like this course, this location, and their chicken wings. I want to be welcomed back here, and don't want to answer inquiries about slow play. Help me out please. Thanks

9/11/2021

Ralph Kramden Fall or The Fall of Ralph Kramden?

For the most part, the inaugural edition of our autumn experiment went pretty well last night. Eleven players. More next week. Only one Stableford scoring error and that was for Jon Koziel who is so casual and laid back, he doesn't mind being shorted one point.

There was some confusion over a Closest to the Pin game which does not exist. The Sept. 8, 10:38 AM e/mail reads, "two-thirds of the jackpot going toward the net or handicapped game with the other third going toward the top 2 net scores of the night." Three thirds is all there is. Nevertheless, the "winners" of the C2Pin holes will be given a $20 credit per "winning" shot. In the future, should we wish to initiate a C2P, we have the power to do so.

One other negative about the C2P is the time it takes with the measuring when we are slugging our way around the course at a snail's pace. 2:39 was the pace for our lead-off group Friday. Ponderous. Like the guy doing 55 in the left lane of the freeway. How easy would it be to shave 3 minutes per hole off of that time?

Get out of the cart when you reach the tee. Everybody watch everybody's drive so you can find them. HIT A DRIVE THAT YOU CAN FIND. If you'd rather not do that, we have a net double bogey limit per hole. If you suck at golf, work on your counting skills because once you hit net double bogey, you are toast. If we continue with this format in the future, there will be a point awarded per fairway hit. We may have to award with incentives the value of keeping the ball in play. The bomb and search method is time consuming and playing from the fairway is easier. DeChambeau can get away with it because spectators are everywhere, and they stop alot of errant shots. You'd be surprised how many professionals aim for the gallery and away from hazards.

CART DRIVERS: If you are the shorter of the two in your cart, get to your ball, grab a couple clubs, release the cart to your passenger to go and find and hit his ball. Reunite later and discuss how much you missed each other.

Once you achieve a double bogey or worse, the hole is history. PICK UP AND EXCUSE YOURSELF. I saw an 8 on hole 17. 6 net 5 is the limit on that one. There were a few 8s on par 4s. But we are adjusting. Practice on the range. Work on your pre-shot routine in your living rooms. Buy a golf video. Read a fucking book.

Note: Don't read the fucking book while on the course. The course is your stage. Your score is your performance for the evening. I understand playing awful, believe me, but we can all get better and play faster and put on a better show.

THE BIGGEST MOST IMPORTANT PART THOUGH IS GOLFING WITH YOUR FRIENDS. This is a wonderful way to spend your time and that is the entire mission here. The anticipation, the challenge, the laughter, the camaraderie. The rest is bullshit.

The earlier part of my Friday was spent golfing on Grosse Isle at the West Shore Country Club with members of our old Topflighters League, including current Kramdenites Pendrick & Wesche, Dan Danlovich, and Randy Walla. Seeing many old friends that we miss nowadays comes with the realization that we also miss the way things were and what we used to be, but there are lots of good times remaining.

I am expecting those of you who played yesterday to be there next Friday, the 17th. In addition, Jeff Pendrick and a pair of Wallas and I will appear. If you can't make it, let me know as I may need another tee time.

JIMMY LIKES TO SPEAK IN THIRD PERSON: From his e/mail detailing his absence, "Jimmy Walla is stuck at work." Jimmy likes to golf. Jimmy likes to make eagles. Jimmy likes to win his division. This is a reference to the Seinfeld show which you will either get or not get but I caused a bit of a kerfuffle with a recent mention of a tv show, KEVIN CAN F**K HIMSELF. No suggestions implied there, but also on the tube, ORDINARY JOE...WALLA WALLA FRONTIER DAYS and THE FAT JOE SHOW in which I write, direct and star in. Enjoy your week. See you soon. Welcome to the shenanigans, Jeff Hartzel.

8/23/2021

Gentlemen,
The cost for each round of the fall league will be $25 per appearance, $22 for the golf and cart, and $3 for the prize fund. The course is refunding our two weeks of rain checks with 64 rounds of fall golf, so all fees will be collected by myself or one of my cronies. DO NOT PAY THE COURSE. If you play all 6 weeks, 6 wks. x $25 = $150 - $44 (the amount refunded to each RKGL member) = $106. The rounds for October will actually be less than $22 because the fall rate takes effect. We will adjust accordingly.

While we have 3 tee times made per night, we should be able to accommodate more than 12 should the demand arise. Subs will come and go as is their nature. The times are 4:08, 4:16 and 4:24. I assume a $10 Skin game for handicapped skins and closest-to-the pin will also occur, but that is open for discussion. As stated previously, points will be earned via a Modified Stableford System. 5 pts.=net eagle, 3 pts.=net birdie, 1 pt.=net par, 0 pt.=net bogey, -1 pt.=net double bogey or worse. After you have achieved a net double bogey or worse, pick up your ball and resume your life. Net score means after your handicap strokes are calculated. We will then use your best 4 scores of your 6 rounds played as your totals for the league. Should you only play 3 times, you'll probably finish lower than a player with 4 scores. Probably. But not certainly.

Subs should pay as they go. "Regulars" can pay in lump sums. No aliases please. I don't want to be chasing down "Dash Riprock" or "Buck Naked" for league fees cuz you guys are trying to play a fast one. That's quite a few words for now. More words in the future. Questions welcome.

Terry Smith, please check again with your buddy. Forward all info if he wants in, and get me his e-mail address. I still prefer to make the pairings to avoid "2 foursomes and a single" situation because I know too often, I'd be the single no one wants in their group. This is understandable but nevertheless...

8/23/2021

SALEM HILLS, MI. In a super-tight Finals that Jeff Pendrick called, "the toughest match of his career," by a score of 77 to 87, giving 8 shots, Pendrick won his second Kramden title, narrowly defeating Jimmy Walla Sunday afternoon at the course. From under a tree near the right cart path, Walla hit the 18th green in two with a 9 iron, my guess, we'll see, and two-putted for birdie. Pin-high in two off the right-side of the green, Pendrick's chip slipped ten feet passed the hole, but the champ drained his putt to claim the victory. It was a great Finals starring two worthy opponents and gentlemen. The league has lately been blessed by some terrific finales. Congrats to both...

Out of nowhere, a team originating less than 24 hours before the competition, Bob Gorczyka, brother-in-law of Randy Walla and Matthew Walla, son of Randy Walla, carved together a brilliant round of 65 to win the team tourney by 6. Not once during the crucial opening 6 holes did Bob or Matthew, the more mature member of the team, tie a hole. Birdie/Par, Eagle/Par, Par/Bogey, Par/Double, Bird/Par, Bird/Par. Ham and Egg. That's how you bag a Raccoon! We will see more of these two in the future. Got to win our money back. Eh heh. Congrats to you both ...

Team 2nd: Martin-Wesche 71, 3rd: R.Walla-Koziel 73, 4th: Josh Benko - Polkowski & Deneen - Raja 75, 6th: Szerlag - Harrington , Cotter - Zarras, Leggert - Bondo 76.

***Note: To help the scoreboard preparers and eventually the reviewing Commish, we appreciate birdies that are circled, eagles that are double-circled, bogeys that are squared, and double-bogeys that are double-squared on the scorecard. The Martin-Wesche, Raja-Deneen card simply circled everything signifying a novice like Raja manning the pencil or a stumbling into madness Martin keeping the score. Whatever, I dig you both, and hope for many more years of your company in the Ralph Kramden Golf League.

A grind of a season bogged down by two rain-outs, we didn't have two rain-outs in our first 20 years, concluded with a great final weekend. The 3 Man Shambles had a four-way tie for first and another two teams tied a shot back. The Board created an even playing field, and just like little league soccer, almost everyone went home a champion.

I felt like a champ heading home Sunday. "Moonlight Mile" blasting away, and I was sounding pretty good I must say, when swoosh, the big scoresheet meticulously prepared by Josh Benko and Mike Danlovich, thank you men, presumed buried in the backseat, floated out the passenger side window as if the ghost of Bobby Jones had to know the results right now. So if you notice it, last seen around Sheldon Road and M-14, there's an empty spot in the archives.

As fun as the league was, time does take a toll. 2020 Champ Mark Zalewski faces possible surgery to repair his pickle-balled broken body. Martin needs a new hip. Cotter has volunteered to help with his physical therapy. Tim will never hit the ball like Kevin.

I very much appreciate your appreciation of my efforts to Commish the Kramden. Our fall season begins Friday, September 10, with tee-times 4:06, 4:14 and 4:22. We have settled on a Modified Stableford scoring system, as opposed to match play, which will remain exclusively under the RKGL domain. With some of you other thinkers out there, I'd like to incorporate the "tic" game we played at Travis Pointe into the autumn experiment. More details will surely follow, and we shall determine how our rain-out reimbursement will be made.

The hope is that my off-season leg surgery will allow me to return next year to take your money the old-fashioned way, hole by hole, skin after skin, the old hocus pocus. Thank you again for your generosity and the gallon of Fireball. As we have said previously, a league is like a fence, and it's only as strong as its weakest link, which we all acknowledge to be John Kisic. The work that gets done is only possible because of the great assistance I get from Rusty and Randy and of course our Sugar Daddies, the Hall of Famers Martin and Celano. We got a good thing here with "the more perfect blend of sport and camaraderie." The world would be a much better place if the Taliban had a good golf league...

8/21/2021

Raccoon Classic

Holes 1 thru 6: Best team score with handicap. Each golfer plays his own ball til completion.
If Player A and his partner Player B each make a 5 on number 1 but Player B is getting a Handicap stroke, the team score is 5/4 or simply 4. Cards will be made out for your group.

Holes 7 thru 12: Alternate shot. Team decides which man will tee off on the even holes (8, 10, 12) and the odd holes (7, 9, 11).
Player A tees off on 7, B hits next shot, repeat until the ball is holed. Even if B sinks the putt on 7, B tees off on 8 because he is the "even" man.

Holes 13 thru 18: 2 Man Scramble. New this year: YOU MUST USE AT LEAST ONE TEE BALL FOR EACH PLAYER. Please note on the card which you did so skillfully Friday.

The purse is being determined today. League Sugar Daddies, Martin & Celano, have supplied $100 for our 4 C-2-pin contests. Terry Celano is also awarding one solid copper coin/ball marker per team and one to each of our finalists, Jimmy and Jeff. Thank you both, T & T. Good luck to us all and to all some good luck. More to follow...

8/18/2021

History notes that every event carries a $10 entrance fee. In Friday's event, this covers $30 for each closest to the pin. Historically, a Shambles team splits this 3 ways, you do the math, The Final 4 keeps the C2Pin cash all to themselves. Advantage Final 4. The skin pot is between $200 and $240. A Scramble team should have the advantage over an individual Final 4 participant.

We have not yet been given permission to play two teams together in a six-some so the teams listed below are given their own tee-times. Should management grant us permission for 6 somes, we shall do so.

1st place = $ 150, 2nd = $ 90, 3rd = $ 75, 4th = $ 60, 5th = $ 45, 6th = $ 30

While there are no rules in a knife fight, there are rules in a 3-Man Shamble. Each individual is responsible for at least 2 TEE shots. On each hole please note who's tee shot has been used. You may surmise therefore that a bit of strategy comes to play as you decide what tee ball to use. Failure to follow this rule equals DISQUALIFICATION.

Theoretical/Hypothetical question: The 5:32p group naturally uses all of Smitty's and DaPra's tee balls over the first 7 holes forcing them to use Wesche's shot on both of the last two holes But... wouldn't you know though that Smitty hits a tap-in on 17 for both a C2P and a bird, but because the team didn't thoughtfully use one of Wesche's previous tee balls, they have to ignore the Smitty tee shot or be DQ'd. May be best to have each player's mandatory shot out of the way the first 6 or 7 holes???

Golf is a thinking man's game...

Out on Sunday : Smitty, Dave Kisic, Rocky Husayna. Possibly Pickle-balled Mark Zalewski. Others???

Congrats to Rocky Husayuna for his EAGLE on #15 and Jeff Pendrick for his EAGLE on #16. These fine players and fine gentlemen split the Yearly Skin jackpot and will share $ 640. Thanks to Dan Danlovich for his fine work running this game...

The first time for Sunday's Raccoon Classic is NOON with the Championship Match going off last around 1 pm.

8/14/2021

SALEM HILLS, MI. In a Field of Dreams worthy Position Round Match, second place Josh Benko fired a beautiful 36 complete with an EAGLE 3 finish on 18 against Bobby Jones division leader Jeff Pendrick. But Pendrick is no piss boy, he's a former League Champion, and he matched Josh with an even par 36 of his own, losing the match to Benko 6-4 but winning his division by a single point.

Josh Benko's eagle on 18 cancelled the long-held Yearly Skin owned by 2020 League Finalist Rocky Husayna. But Rocky is no piss boy either, he had a contingency plan. He went out and EAGLED #15. We checked with Rusty. This is totally legal. Official results from Dan Danlovich have yet to confirm this, but it looks like Rocky on 15 and Pendrick on 16 with their EAGLES will split the Yearly Skin Jackpot. Each will also receive their own officially licensed "I'M NO PISS BOY" tee shirt. However, Danlovich was last spotted at Metro, so don't spend that cash yet gents...

There was another doozy of a finale in the Arnold Palmer division, where Terry Smith entered the night (lucky night) 3 points behind Former Champion John Kisic. 42 to 44, Terry beat John 6-4 only to fall a frustrating single point short. I myself have lost to Jhonny, and inevitably one finds oneself shaking their head wondering how the fuck did that happen? But it does happen. Frequently. As I once told Pete Townsend, "I Can't Explain."

As usual, Jack Reseigh played possum. Keeping DaPra close enough to toy with but eventually winning his division comfortably by 7 and a half points. In Jack's lingo, he covered the spread. Jimmy Walla had the largest winning margin of 8 and a half points in the Player division, while he has certainly developed into a bit of a "Player" himself, reportedly making 3 back nine birdies at Travis Pointe Saturday. Congrats to Jimmy, John, Jack and Jeff, our four division Champions for 2021.

With an average number of 5.96 pts. per win, Jack earns the top playoff spot, and matches up against Jeff in the 4 position with an average of 5.38 per win. Jim (5.76) plays against John (5.50) in our Final Four next Friday evening. The rest of us PISSBOYS will engage in a 3 man Shambles with the pairings and details to be announced later this week. The expected purse is estimated at approximately $360 ($210 / $90 / $60) plus skins and C-2-Pins. If no skins, purse increases... Each post-season play-off victory for our Final 4 is also worth $25 each.

Missing Friday, Rocky, KC & Andy. Pickle-balling has wrecked 2020 League Champion Mark Zalewski, who may or may not return. His status is questionable at this point. Hall of Famer Dave Kisic will miss Sunday, the Raccoon Classic. Hall of Famer Tim Martin continues to mend from a faulty hip, and we hope he can make it back for next weekend. We all miss you. Be well. Others out either day? Let me know ASAP.

A Fall League is starting to take shape, using a possible Modified Stableford Scoring System. Interested? Speak up. We plan on using some of our "rain-check" credit for the fall or the traditional Columbus Day outing or for an additional foursome on Raccoon Classic Sunday.

I also estimate that the division pay-outs will be 1st/100, 2nd/60, 3rd/50, 4th/40, 5th/30, 6th/20, 7th/10, 8th/ the coveted Piss-Boy tee shirt. More to follow this week as we head toward the Mighty Raccoon Classic weekend...

8/13/2021

A death in the Cotter family keeps our friend away from us Friday, but we are thinking of him and looking forward to happier times together on the golf course. God bless...

Only one change in the past 12 hours. Defending champ Mark Zalewski has injured himself participating in athletics. We hope he can return next weekend. Speaking of which, I know that Andy Deneen will miss next Friday, The 3 Man shambles/Final Four, for his graduation, getting his GED after all these years. Congrats Andy. See you next Sunday for the Raccoon Classic. Defending League semi-finalist Rocky Husayna completes his season tonight and we hope to see him back next year. Others who will miss next weekend, please let me know today if possible.

In 30 yrs of golf league, Tim Martin has missed once, for the 50th Anniversary of his kindergarten class. His love of golf outweighed by his pedophilia. Nevertheless, his hip is acting up today and so he has withdrawn. Get well soon my friend. See you next week. Jamie needs some extra time to get to Salem so that group moved. Thank you all.

8/6/2021

REDFORD: When your basement isn't flooded, there is always a good chance that your cable and internet will go down. Happy Garden remains strong but Napoli's isn't what it once was, Western is under water, DiMaggio's still has the best chicken in town but doesn't make the Italian Sausages anymore and both Little Bill and Big Bill have passed away so our trophy presentation will suffer. Oh, and the fucking Post Office sucks. Other than that:

Correction #1: Mark Zalewski's win-loss record is 7 and 7 for a total of 14 matches. The members of his division, with the exception of Rick Wesche, will have a total of 17 matches played at the conclusion of play next week, August 13. Andy, Rocky and KC are scheduled out for the Final 4 August 20.

Correction #2: Mark Szerlag won the C2P on # 6 last week not Dan Danlovich as erroneously reported. Could the first group out please take out the C2Pin markers, thank you.

Correction #3: I have concluded that your inability to follow is a direct result of my inability to lead. Therefore, SENIOR 6, play your FORWARD TEES. OTHERS play the WHITE. I surrender.

7/21/2021

KEVIN CAN F**K HIMSELF:
It's a new television program on the AMC network. Has anybody watched it or know what it's about? Sounds wild. Kevin Cotter is traveling this weekend and unavailable to golf. If he could F**K himself we'd probably never see him...

WHITE BOY RICK WESCHE SUES POLICE FOR $100 MILLION:
After working as a "police informant", then serving 33 years in prison on drug charges, a free "White Boy Rick" has launched a suit against the DPD, oops, sorry, that was White Boy Rick Wersche. Not a Travis Pointe or Kramden member. The other White Boy Rick...

Dan Danlovich will begin collecting cash for the Yearly Skin Game Friday. Eagles by Jeff Pendrick on #16 and Rocky Husayna on #18 are current leaders in that contest. In my opinion, it would take an EAGLE 2 on # 18 to cancel Rocky's EAGLE 3 tonight, but this game is outside of my jurisdiction. See Mr. Danlovich for all rulings on this subject. Enjoy your evening...

7/20/2021

Gentlemen, The League still exists.

So far, from what I recall, those who will be absent include: Cotter, Szerlag, Raja, Prokop, Curmi.
Others? Let me know.

The course set-up detailed for July 23 will indeed be used July 23. Also, preliminary discussions are commencing about a fall golf league at Salem Hills. Night, formats etc. all up for debate. If you are interested, let me know. No interest, can't do it = no response. Also, when it does rain, it is apparent to us all. It can be seen, felt, and heard. The rush to cancel, to make other plans, is not appreciated. If you don't want to play, keep your ass away. We're now printing the tee-shirts as we speak. Finally, we are in need of a trophy man/engraver as both Big and Little Bill have passed away and their shop closed. The rain-out solution has been complicated by the arrival of a new head pro, Jason Rammler, who comes to Salem from Oak Pointe where I just played in a member/guest tournament last weekend. His ideas about how to run a league may conflict with mine which may conflict with yours. So we shall see.

7/15/2021

NEWS & NOTES:
Not to upset Jack, but should you happen to notice the spokeswoman for POINTSBET, she is Paige Spiranac, an internet sensation known mostly for her Golf prowess as a former collegiate player, who can really wear an outfit and handle a club. Google if curiosity sets in. I'm a Golf With Aimee Youtube fan. As a kid I began with Jack's Golf My Way videos, then Ken Venturi and Tom Watson and their lessons. Now Aimee. Give her a whirl...

7/12/2021

NEWS & NOTES:

The Board of Directors is studying the handicapping method to use when players are using different tee boxes. The current method is to use the white tee hole rankings but there is no such system for what we need, therefore, we shall create one. Your inputs are always welcome...

THE GREAT NOVAK: Certainly not Gary Novak, but Novak Djokovic, who won his 20th major tennis tournament at Wimbledon last week. Gary has back-to-back 43 as he mounts his charge up the Arnold Palmer division standings. Okay, good perhaps, but not great. Sheez! ...

COLDWATER COUNTRY CLUB: One of the favorite tracks in my "rota" is the "hidden gem" down I-69. Heh, heh, heh. A couple of holes there are set up with two tee boxes. From the back corner box, hole number 5 is a tough par 5, but from a forward box up 80 or so yards, it's a challenging par 4. Number 8 is a nice shortish par 4 of about 330 or a treacherous par 3 over water of 180 yards or so. Golf courses are more flexible than most golfers give them credit for, more flexible than most leagues attempt to play them... Friday, July 23 is going to be OPPOSITE DAY at Salem Hills.

# 10 - Par 5. Senior 6 WHITE. Others BLUE
# 11 thru 13 - The Devil's Triangle. All players FORWARD TEES.
# 14 thru 16 - Senior 6 Forward. Others GREEN
# 17 - All players FORWARD TEES.
# 18 - Brutal par 4. All players FORWARD TEES.

I am in favor of protecting the 18 hole yearly skin recorded by Rocky, but the Yearly SKin Game is of course secondary. This may require some thinking and adjustments to be made by all of us, so you've got plenty of warning. I know how exhausting that thinking can be. Best of luck men...

6/16/2021

JACK and Beau not Bo, Beau
The separation of church and state is a founding principle of our diversified, melting-pot of a nation and our golf league. While every child in the land has memorized The Constitution, very few are aware of our Biblical guidelines:
1. The Golden Rule - "Do onto others as you would have done onto yourself." (Don't expect a "gimme" or a "take" if you don't give a "gimme" or a "take".)
2. "Judge not, Lest ye be judged." (Damn man, you get that outfit at the Salvation Army? Looks good on ye though.)
3. From the Letter of Paul to the Corinthians - "If it smells like fish, treat it like a dish. If it smells like cologne, leave it alone."

Recently, Detroit Tigers' pitching prospect Beau Burroughs made his major league debut and it appeared as if he may have violated number 3 and had some "bad fish" after he barfed behind the pitchers' mound resulting in him being pulled from the game and designated for assignment.

Jack Reseigh's first eight opponents in 2021: Terry Smith, D and M Dan, Celano, Prokop, Zarras, Balaka, Lynch. I know these guys. Bubble Baths, mani/pedi's, aromatherapy. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but Jack don't play that shit. He just kicks ass with no regard for your "feelings". I'm not saying all 8 puked their guts out before their Jack Match, but some surely did smoothly shit themselves like a Cotter on vacation.

Who's victim number nine? Pendrick. Jeff Pendrick! King of the Hallmark Channel. He hasn't won the league since 2018. Leader of the Money list? HA! That's from selling his Girl Scout Cookies. Jack 7, Jazzy Jeff 3. Victim 10? Your beloved Commish. 10, to match my route number. I'll probably No-Show, No-Call. No chance...

Welcome subs Dan Cotter, Deb Smith, Bob Macek and Jeff Tandreys. Congrats again Mark Zalewski and Dan Danlovich on your fine play last week, and Good Luck this weekend to Kevin Cotter playing the Member/Guest at Western Golf & Country Club in stately Redford Township.

6/10/2021

"What we have here... is failure to communicate." Substitute golfers are important to the league not only for the revenue they generate, but for the camaraderie they bring, and for their potential as future members of the league. The league is only as strong as its weakest link, which we all acknowledge to be Johnny Kisic, but we all have some responsibility for the welfare of the league and as a devout lifelong Democrat, you know I love my welfare.

Last week in Kramdenland, sub Bob Gorzycka arrived to play. Most, or at least many of you, know Bob and almost all of you have the tee times on your damned mobile phone devices, yet he stood here like a kid at the bus station, dazed and confused as to where he should be. Granted, Bob enjoys his "dazed and confused" status as much as anyone, but his threesome teed off and no one thought of inviting him to join.

Gentlemen, we've got to do better than this. Ultimately, this is my fault as I had teed off in an earlier group, and I am the responsible adult around here. A little help is all I'm asking for.

We lollygag getting to the course. We lollygag climbing that hill and getting to our carts. We lollygag getting our beverages, hydrating and unhydrating. We lollygag on the range and the putting green. You know what that makes us? Yes, of course, a bunch of lollygaggers!

Salem Hills has upped their game. Fairways, tee boxes, greens and bunkers, all are better. Bridges have been replaced. The cups are new and painted. Good food. Young girls in skirts have replaced old retirees, who limp worse than I do. The course has made an effort to improve and Salem is more popular than ever. Now is the time for us to elevate our game.

The starter should not have to drive back from the tee box to the putting green looking for the next foursome. Read your Kramden Constitution: " We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men shall arrive promptly..." If you require more time, let me know. Like Greg Polkowski, who has an afterwork commute, I can schedule you late. Clown Posse, going last is no longer a badge of honor or a guarantee.

The Ralph Kramden Golf League is 18 days long, 16 Fridays and 2 Sundays. Let's make this week, and every week, a good one.

Be aware, be very aware. With possible 100% attendance Friday, Hall of Famer David Kisic will be turned loose with his camera gathering candid pics of the league, and hopefully a dandy group picture which we hope to capture during our 30th Anniversary Season. As part of Year 30, we will be looking back at old newsletters, remembering those who have played through, and how good we used to be, and still are. You may notice mentions of stately Brae Burn National, but the league hasn't and won't be moving anytime soon.

Also be aware that beginning in July, I-275 will be undergoing 4 years worth of construction on 24 miles of road between 6 Mile and Eureka, including 65 bridges. Alternate routes advised.

Terry Celano shot 36 last Friday, the round of the week, one shy of Mark Zalewski's year best of 35. Terry has moved up from the White to the Forward tee boxes due to his torn quadricep. 'Twas the ass of young Mr. Zarras that's now torn, 8.5 to 1.5. Nice round TC. The Handicap Committee is aware, very aware... Randy Walla's birdie on 6 cancelled the Yearly Skin on that hole held by Mike Danlovich. Sorry Mike. Five Yearly Skins' remain including Eagles on 16 and 18 by Pendrick and Rocky respectively... The schedule will be released later today as we double-check 100% ATTENDANCE. 100% ATTENDANCE? Talk to me people...

5/28/2021

What the mind can conceive and the heart does believe, the body can achieve. Phil Mickelson proved that once again over the weekend winning his sixth major title at the wild Kiawah Island Course in South Carolina. He essentially remade himself physically and mentally in an effort to compete against the younger and stronger new generation of professional golfers. Phil got game. Still.

He won his first PGA Tour event over 30 years ago and is still winning. Some don't like him. Some hate him. Whenever two people always agree it's usually because one of them has stopped thinking. I like Phil. He may be a tad phony. That phone call he made on camera to "Amy" smelled phake to me. He may have and probably did indulge in some inside trading and ratted on others involved to save his own skin. The water gets dangerous when you swim with the big fish. You never know if you're pals or the next meal.

The ratings for his upcoming match with Tom Brady against Bryson and Aaron Rodgers will be solid. A lot of TB12 will be sold. The PGA was good for golf and good TV....

Last week in Kramdenland... After an 0-4 start this season following a tough Finals loss in 2020, Husayuna's Hangover ended with a Kozy 6-4 victory highlighted by an Eagle on 18. It's the second Kramden Eagle this year after Pendrick holed a 100 yard wedge on 16 Opening Day. Randy Walla also popped his 2021 cherry with a 1 UP defeat of the Fabulous Raja. Martin, Szerlag and your Beloved Commish have the only ofers left. Mark, along with Curmi, Zarras and Harrington are out with Load Management this week, but vow to return. And Bruce Romeo gets his first envelope handed to him tonight since his postman days ended, finishing first under average after a nifty 43. Not to be confused with M-43, a northern Michigan highway and a frisky ale that wobbled the Commish a few weeks back at Duffy's Den. Let's see how Lefty handles 6 of those...

The Fab Five becomes the Senior Six, as Terry Celano advances to the forward tee box this week as his injured leg recovers from his misadventure. He will be giving Tim Martin 2.5 strokes. The PAR 5 15th hole will play all way back from the BLUES today, while the SS move to the WHITE.

Fearing that the course will be soaked with rain, TaskMaster Lynch declares Lift, Clean and Place through the course, tee to green, bunkers included.

5/13/2021

Handicaps...
Gentlemen, today we discuss the thrilling issue of golf league handicaps. For years the Kramden league followed the guidelines of the United States Golf Association, taking the best 10 of your last 20 adjusted scores. Adjusted means "stroke-controlled", which involves lowering those God-awful 9s and 10s to double or triple bogeys, so as to not artificially inflate your handicap index.

This proved to be a somewhat cumbersome system due to our relatively short golf season, as we found ourselves using scores from 3 seasons to get the 20 scores necessary to compile your handicaps, so we switched to a best 10 of 14 system used in our old Tuesday night Topflighters' League. If my computer clunkiness allows, please note your last 14 scores listed in the attachments. These include the 3 scores from 2021, and the 2020 Championship Round. When I get around to it, I will include the 3 omitted scores, which were replaced by these 3 new ones.

For instance, our League Finalist in 2020, Rocky Husayuna had three rounds of 44 replaced in the reject pile, and 3 of his good scores from his brilliant rookie season went into the dead pile. It's all technical and boring, and not the usual profanity and innuendo you expect from me, but I'm a complicated guy. A look at all of those scores show that Cotter will have a 36 expire, and Benko a 38, so their index might go up. Unless they break par, which is likely.

The NFL pressured me to not release our schedule Wednesday so I wouldn't compete with their "Schedule Release." I let the junior Commish have that one, and our full schedule will come out later this morning, but our "Featured Match", Rocky 2, will be 18 holes of the young challenger Rocky versus 2020 Champ Mark Zalewski. Each 9 hole match will be on the Front 9. Match One begins around 2:30.

We continue "the Winter Rules" this week until Chairman Lynch says otherwise. HOLE 8 FRIDAY WILL USE THE GREEN TEE BOX. The FAB FIVE WILL USE WHITE TEES ON 8. Absent Friday, Szerlag, Deneen, Polkowski. Subs Dan Cotter.

Rivalries...
Ben Hogan and Sam Snead. Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. John Daly and Jack Daniels. Some rivalries are born of blood, like Randy and Jimmy Walla. Youth and power dominate treachery and deception. 13.5 to 6.5 Opening Day. A slaying worthy of Shakespeare... Rusty Lynch and your faltering yet beloved Commish, Opening Day he disemboweled me. A real erection killer. Lots of cuddling in my future... Last year's Championship Match brought us a new rivalry. The Rock and Stone Cold Mark Zalewski. Z was victorious that day 75 to 80. Round 2 Friday. Good Luck to you both...

For God's sake, let's find the owner of that sand wedge and re-unite them...

5/5/2021

Sunshine and 80 degrees. The golf season opened to mostly positive reviews for the new ownership of Salem Hills, and with 24 birdies and one eagle by Jeff Pendrick on 16, the boys of Kramden were rarin' to go. Well maybe they weren't all ready to go. Cotter, Martin, Randy Walla and the Commish, a possible Mount Trashmore in the future at the dump across the street, went a combined 0-7-1, and all four sit in last place in their respective divisions.

Mark Zalewski began the defense of his title with a pair of victories over tough guys Wesche and Dan Danlovich. Jimmy Walla throttled Uncle Randy. TWICE. 3 birdies for the day and a backside 39. Jeff Pendrick won the low actual part of Terry Celano's Tournament of Champions with 78 featuring 2 birds and an EAGLE on 16, holing a wedge from 100 yards or so. These days, any "holing" is praise-worthy, so Congrats JP. His total cash haul for the day $285 and as he often does, Pendrick sits atop the money list.

Dave Kisic, 2-0 with 14 points,had a fine net score of 69, worthy of many hearty "heh-heh-heh's" from some of our immature leaguesters but slithery brother John Kisic one-upped him with a 68, taking home, or possibly taking to The Landing Strip, $235. Congrats former Champ Jhonny. Everyone thanks Terry Celano for his generous contributions once again to our collective enjoyment.

Also garnering attention, our former "Bread-Man" Greg Prokop, elevating his game with a hot pair of 44's including 3 birds, 4 "SKIN$" and two 7-3 victories. Accompanying Greg was his buddy Raja David who entered the league under the alias of Dave Raja. Most people change their name following their stint in the league to save their reputations but "The Raja" chooses a different path. Paid in cash. All good here. Raja won a $25 handicap skin with his bird on #15. Congrats and Welcome.

Welcome also to our other rookie, Greg Polkowski who began his Kramden career a bit quieter but under his real name, and Rick DaPra, who lost to Rusty Lynch in the '96 League Finals. Post-round at the Round-Table we attempted to explain to him how his "Drunken Pig" adjective was actually a compliment and that he should feel comfortable amongst all the other drunken pigs in the league. Alas, he was too hammered to understand.

Thanks to our returning Sunday subs. Their contributions help fund the league, and we hope to see more of them in the future. Looking forward to their full-time return.

Elevated beer and food prices got a lot of attention Sunday as if they were trying to earn back that $3 million course price in the first weekend, but somehow we'll survive. There are other spots on the way home where we can enjoy each other's company and bask in our glory. I was saddened to see no Hostess stand though, recalling the days when the Great Balaka would saunter up to the bar and order "a round of Twinkies for my friends and a Suzie Q for my Commissioner." Ahh, Glory Days indeed.

Year 30 has begun and we may have a rare 100% attendance Friday eve. I may be available for early play if there is any interest, or if someone wants to make up a match. Let me know. JR

4/29/2021

Gentlemen, I must sadly announce that due to his responsibilities as a letter carrier in your United States Postal Service, former League Champion Jamie Benko will no longer participate FULL-Time in the RKGL, but will appear Sunday as a sub... Also, due to injuries suffered consumating his recent marriage, neither Shaun Walla nor his hernias will be golfing for a while. We hope to have him out to sub when he is able... We were fortunate to find two new members, Dave Raja and Greg Polkowski, a couple of fine Irish lads, to enlist. Welcome aboard rookies... As previously mentioned Rick DaPra rejoins the league today taking the Bryan Zaydel spot whom we hope can visit us as his health allows... Out today and returning Friday, Mark Szerlag and 2020 League Finalist Rocky Husaynu.

4/25/2021

The Ralph Kramden Golf League - Year 30
"The one constant through all the years, has been the Ralph Kramden Golf League. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But the Ralph Kramden Golf League has marked the test of time. This league, this sport, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and all that could be good again."

Gentlemen, the Board of Directors has fielded your calls and read your texts and letters, thanking us for the good sense to schedule the Opener May 2 rather than the traditional last Sunday in April. The Board is hip to the scene, to each and every situation. It's just another tricky day for us.

Currently we await news of the health situation of Shaun Walla, whom I believe to be the youngest among us. All the old, fat guys, the broken down jocks, those with newly replaced hearts, hips, knees and penis pumps, anxious and ready to go. The kid has issues. But he's one of us. So we hope for the best and prepare for every scenario.

One threesome is certain. Former champs Mike Curmi and Kevin Cotter will join sophomore Pat Harrington. Each will play the other two on both nines for a total of four matches. The rest of us are scheduled for two matches on Opening Day. This arrangement gives them a cushion for future missed days. Any other interest in such an arrangement?

AUGUST 13 IS POSITION ROUND. ONE MATCH PER PERSON THAT NIGHT.
AUGUST 20 is THE FINAL FOUR featuring the Infamous Three Man Shamble.
AUGUST 22, SUNDAY, IS THE RACCOON CLASSIC, the League Finals.

DUES = $465. Several have already paid via Paypal, jaugust2011@hotmail.com. Cash is good Sunday. Checks, too, made out to Joe Ranusch. The new owners may not be crazy about smuggled alcohol onto the premises, so be legal and buy from the course. We just don't know. Know this: The pro is named Scero, I think the first name is Raymond. He is part of the family that bought the course so lets not show him our ass until we're sure he's hooked. Always good advice.

The pairings and matches are pretty much set and could be announced any time. I hope you all can make it and that we'll all be together soon.

"Oh, the Kramdenites will come. The Kramdenites will most definitely come."

4/11/2021

TEDDY ROOSEVELT, HARRY TRUMAN and MARK ZALEWSKI
September 6, 1901. President William McKinley is assassinated in Buffalo, New York and once dead, is unable to fulfill his duties as president. Teddy Roosevelt, the next man up, steps in and serves 11 years, the second longest tenure of any President, eventually earning a spot on Mount Rushmore.

April 12, 1945. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt passes away after 13 years in office. Next man up, a.k.a. the Vice President, Harry Truman steps in and eventually ends World War 2 defeating the Japanese with a pair of atom bombs. Perhaps today Matsuyama takes his revenge and wins The Masters. We shall see. Regardless, historians now rank Truman among the top ten American presidents of all-time.

August 23, 2020. Bobby Jones Division Champion Rick Wesche opts to play in his local Ann Arbor City Championship and is unable to fulfill his duties in the Raccoon Classic. The next man up is Mark Zalewski, who defeats Rookie of the Year Rocky Husaynu 75 to 80 in what is arguably the best played Finals match in league history. The Zalewski Era has now begun. Can he be another all-time great like Teddy or Harry? We shall see. He's pretty damn good now. Congrats Mark and best of luck.

Gentlemen, I thought winter would never end. Ponderous man, ponderous. Spring has arrived. The golf league beckons. Yet some questions linger. Issues at the Post Office may keep former League Champion Jamie Benko from joining but at the moment he is good. Issues from a fall at home have further damaged former League Champion and Hall of Famer Terry Celano, but he vows to be ready. Newlywed Shaun Walla is recovering from hernia surgery from which we can only share the advice of Cosmo Kramer from the Seinfeld show who "preferred the bottom. Let them do all the work." As conditions warrant we shall seek replacements or persevere shorthanded.

This is the 30th year of the Ralph Kramden Golf League. The divisions listed below are tentative, depending upon the situations previously listed:

Jack Nicklaus: Wesche, Pendrick, Deneen, Zalewski, Husayuna, Josh Benko, DanD, KC. Perhaps the best 8 pack in League history. Its tempting to watch them beat each other up each and every week. We shall see.

Arnold Palmer: R.Walla, JR, J.Walla, Novak, M.Dan, Koziel, Prokop, S.Walla

Tiger Woods: Lynch, Curmi, Balaka, Szerlag, DaPra, Harrington, Zarras, Reseigh

Gary Player: Celano, Terry Smith, Martin, Romeo, D.Kisic, J.Kisic, Jamie Benko, Chris Smith

Rocky will be out Opening Day, and there are some other doubtfuls, so keep me posted. The first tee time Sunday May 2 is NOON. Most of us will have 2 matches. One on front. The other on back. For those who may be missing a few future Fridays, Opening Day offers a good chance to bank an extra match or two so let me know.

The course is looking for 5 grand or so Opening Day so bring what you can. Cash or check to Joe Ranusch, $465. A couple of you have already paid Paypal which is also fine, jaugust2011@hotmail.com. Encouraging reports indicate work being done at Salem Hills, especially on the drains and bunkers. We also hear the kitchen will be open. It all looks good. Can't wait to see you all.

JR

3/25/2021

Salem Hills plans to open to the public next Thursday, April 1st. No April Fools Day joke there men... It is legal and encouraged to practice before the season begins Sunday May 2, NOON. First Friday night play is scheduled for May 7, 4:32 pm.

The official league roster is nearing completion. League size should be 32 players this season. The RKGL has re-acquired Rick DaPra whom many of you will remember. Welcome Back Rick!

At this time, I'm asking those of you not able to attend May 2 or May 7 to alert me for scheduling purposes and to line up some subs.

After my Commissioners' Only practice session today, I learned the kitchen plans to re-open April 19. I was told, "I'd be pleased". Dues remain $465, cash, Paypal or check to Joe Ranusch. Installment programs available. The past year has been a challenge on many levels but we have survived. Year 30 awaits. I want to be ready. Game On!
JR

2/21/2021

Golf League 2021 - Year 30
Newsletter #1, with Footnotes

Friday, February 19. The contract signed. The tee times secured. New ownership is in place. Salem Hills will be ready. Will you?

It's been awhile since we've all been together. I've seen a few of you during the off-season and caught a glimpse of others scurrying about the Capitol Building January 6th. Commish confidentiality remains sacred of course. I'm no rat. As long as your dues are paid. Dues will be $465. American. Cash, check, Paypal.

Opening Day will be Sunday May 2nd, noonish, 18 holes^[1]. From there, 16 consecutive Friday nights including July 2nd. The Raccoon Classic, our league finale, Sunday, August 22.

Theoretically, I believe that every member of your 4some is a potential opponent making 3 matches per 9 holes, 30 points at stake, a real possibility. Theoretically, I could be 6 and 0 after Opening Day with 48 points while the rest of you are 0 and 6^[2]. Theoretically, this would allow you to play almost every other member of the league^[3].

Historically, I enjoy box variety. Last season we stretched out #3 to a longish par 3 and shortened #8 to a short par 4. Expect more of that this season. Your Friday treat! Imagine #4 from the tips. Bomb away as usual, risking out-of-bounds or hit a sensible 7 iron? Let your nightmares commence^[4].

Fun governors like Lynch, Pendrick and Whitmer may attempt to curb my enthusiasm. We shall see...

Today's PGA event is at historic Riviera in Los Angeles which brings to mind my oft-told story of Fred Couples and the notorious "hustler" Bobby Riggs. Riggs, who had lost a famous Challenge Match to Billie Jean King, would constantly taunt Masters champion Couples into a simple 9 hole golf match for an easy $5,000. No strokes given. Straight up. The catch? Riggs got one "throw" per hole.

Finally, Freddy agreed. The crowd gathered. Carts and cocktails. A great afternoon for all! As you watch the first hole today, remember this: Short, downhill par 5. Couples on the green in 2 shots. Riggs chips his 4th close for a probable par. Couples, an eagle putt. Riggs calls "time-out", asks for his "throw", tosses Fred's ball out of bounds. Game. Set. Match. Couples hustled. Cocktails consumed. A great afternoon indeed...

Our league "hustler" and Hall of Famer Terry Celano, has suffered a fall at home, injuring his leg. We hope he's ready for the Opener. We suspect it's a ploy to move to the forward tees. Get well my friend.

I look forward to your replies and to another fine season of golf and whatnot ... JOE

THE FOOTNOTES:
1. The last Sunday in April, our usual start, comes early, the 25th, and leaves us golfing Friday April 30 which sounds cold and dark to me.
2. Results may vary.
3. Is that a good thing?
4. This is going to shake-up the "Yearly Skin Game". So what ! The tail don't wag the dog.

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11/22/2020

The news of Salem's death may have been greatly exaggerated. Potential "keep it a golf course" buyer negotiations still pending. Stay tuned boys and girls.

9/18/2020

RIP Salem Hills, October 2020.

8/22/2020

Congrats to division winners Curmi and Celano who had great seasons, only to be bested in the Semi-Finals by a couple of tough cookies, Rocky and Zalewski. We wish both finalists the best of luck in Sunday's Final Match. We'll see you out there...

Raccoon Format -
Holes 1 thru 6 : Better-ball with handicap. Each man plays his own ball until completion. The team score is the better net score. Scorecards will be provided.

Holes 7 thru 12 : Alternate. The team strategically determines which player tees off on the even holes. The other guy tees off the odds. One ball is used until completion. On the green you may putt with your own ball but from tee to green, to prevent whatever treachery may occur, the balls are played down and not switched. Veteran Kramdenites consider this segment the toughest.

Holes 13 thru 18 : Two-Man Scramble. Similar to Friday's 3-Man but with fewer people. For the first time there will be a one tee shot minimum requirement per player so put those thinking caps on gentlemen.

Raccoon Droppings: It was 45 years ago that a fit, nerdy Commish, playing for the first time at Salem Hills, screamed a four-wood (MacGregor Tourney, actual wood) over the green of the 220 yard third hole, only to be rescued by a randomly placed Porta-Potty that ricocheted the ball back onto the putting surface for a routine birdie. The youngster settled himself enough to be named All-City that day. Sunday, a fat wobbly old Commish returns to number 3 at Salem, and Director of Competition Rusty Lynch, playing in the first group, will set 2 set of tees. White for those who usually play it forward, and Green for the rest of us, closer to what it was back in '75 but not 220 yards. Ain't nobody got time for that. Hole 3 will be a pivotal hole in the Raccoon Classic, just as it was in the City Championship of 1975...

As Hole 3 is tougher, Hole 4 will play from the whites, approx. 463 yds., giving us all one last chance for an eagle, which would share the Yearly Skin with Wesche's Eagle on #8. After the 6th hole today, Skin Czar Dan Danlovich will conclude the Game. Thank you Dan. Those who haven't gotten in the Game and would like to, see Dan today, $20...

The aforementioned #8, part of the alternate shot competition, will play short Sunday, from the forward tee approx. 242 yds., a short par 4. More details later today after Mr. Lynch clears his head from last night's fog . Also, the final averages, the ones used for Sunday, will be announced. Stay tuned. Due to budgetary concerns at Salem Hills, we do not believe the complimentary range balls will be available. Sorry. Times are tough...

8/21/2020

One condition we granted the course was a limit of 3 carts per 6some, so some opponents will share. Camaraderie, you rat bastards. Its all about camaraderie...

Rule *** There may be no rules in a knife fight, but there is one in the Shambles - 2 tee shots per individual, including the Posse. Please note on scorecard who the tee man is, AND FROM THE FAIRWAYS OR WHEREVER OUR APPROACH INTO THE GREEN IS COMING FROM - ALTERNATE SHOTS BETWEEN TEAMS SO THAT WE KEEP MOVING. Keep pace with the group ahead of you please. If a brawl should occur, I'll take the cart girl...

8/15/2020

Three-man Shambles Info -

First out Friday will be The Final Four: Zalewski vs. Celano +6, Husaynu vs. Curmi +2

Other teams:
The Clown Posse / The Walla Family / Lynch, Reseigh, Don Taylor /
Martin, Cotter, Szerlag / Deneen, Koziel, Prokop / Pendrick, Novak, Balaka /
Wesche, M.Dan, D.Kisic / D.Dan, Josh Benko, Smith / Harrington, Zarras, JR /
Tee times TBD. Posse may include 4. 2 tee shots required per teammate. 3 Man Scramble

8/15/2020

Historically, the Detroit Tigers professional baseball team provided a fireworks display after their Friday evening home games to entertain the crowd. Last night, the Big Show moved to Salem Hills and it was something to see...

It began early on, when from the 11th tee, the Gary Player division Champion Golfer of 2020 Rocky Husaynu drove it to the third box and then approached to a foot for an easy tap-in birdie, just as the hole was designed. Congrats Rocky.

Ricky Wesche clinched the Bobby Jones, then abdicated the title due to a previous committment. As in the Miss America pageant, the runner-up stepped up and assumed the role of champion. That runner-up is Mark Zalewski, who made a furious comeback in the past few weeks to finish second, nipping a gracious Dan Danlovich by a single point. Zalewski advances to his first playoff in his Kramden career...

Terry Celano trailed Smitty by two points going into their match, beat him 6-4, then with a hardy crowd in attendance, won the sudden death playoff with a bogey 5 to a triple bogey 7 net 6 on #1...

Celano meets Zalewski in The Final Four. Rocky faces Curmi, who won the extremely non-competitive Nicklaus division. Oh, twas quite thrilling but not as thrilling as a little four-foot eagle putt Jimmy Walla sunk on number 18 for an eagle to cancel the yearly Skin held by his friend and playing companion Andy Deneen. It is possible that the only SKIN for 2020 is Rick Wesche's eagle on 8. We shall see. Then there was the brawl over slow play between the staff and our final group but a court order forbids me from telling that story... More details Sunday.

8/7/2020

Gentlemen (and all the rest of you),

Dan Danlovich is beginning his collection effort tonight for the Yearly Skin Game. The cost is $20. It is tradition, although admittedly it would be best to do this earlier in the year when hopes are high. The Research Dept. is looking for birdies you might be proud of on 3, 5, 7, 11, 13 and 17. As Reagan said, "Trust but verify." The annual Game concludes after hole #6 during the Raccoon Classic, Sunday August 23...

A look at this season's divisional races reveals two dandys and a couple of clunkers... Almost anyone can win the Bobby Jones, with the possible exception of Jones himself. Although Bobby still has a better shot than Josh Benko... The Gary Player is a real crapshoot with Kozy Jon and his match in hand over Randy and Rocky lurking as the favorite, even though his Hawaiian shirts make lurking an issue... Mike Curmi has a comfortable cushion in the Nicklaus division. We've thrown a possible canoe mishap at him to no avail, and rooted for a mild case of corona to slow him down a bit, but he has proven himself worthy. I am prepared to play 25 matches myself, but I still may not be able to catch him... And over in Bizarro Land, Smitty has ventured solo from the Clown Posse (as Psycho Jhonny did a few years ago to win the league), and has turned himself into a contender. Is his 11 point lead enough to get him into the post-season? Anything's possible in Bizarro Land.

The post-season begins with the Final Four matches Friday, August 21, between the 4 division winners, determining who will advance to the 18 hole Finals during the Raccoon Classic. We losers engage in a 3 man Scramble Tournament known as The Shambles. Teams are selected by the Board of Directors. Team 1 consists of Rusty, Jack and Don Taylor. My team consists of Holly Sonders and Natalie Gulbis. Others to be determined.

The Raccoon Classic features 15 2-man teams playing 6 holes of best ball with handicap, followed by 6 holes of alternate shot, then concluding with 6 holes of a scramble. The Board is accepting bribes beginning today. The 2 league Finalists battle for Glory with 18 holes of Match Play. Details on everything to follow. If unavailable for the Big Weekend of Golf, let me know ASAP...

Finally, a cute story from broadcaster Mike Tirico, who was paired with Ron Jaworski, against Jon Gruden and Donald Trump at one of Trump's courses. From 230 yards out, Tirico hits one of his best shots ever onto an uphill green that can't be seen from the fairway. The ESPNers and their caddies high-five each as they approach, only to find his ball 50 feet from the hole in a sand trap. Flustered, Tirico takes two shots to escape the trap and makes 7. Trump wins again! After the Donald leaves the clubhouse, his caddy confesses to the rest of the group that Trump had kicked the ball, which was 8 feet from the hole for Eagle, into the bunker. Such a stunt at Salem Hills would get him hoisted onto 6 Mile by his nostrils. For many of you, that story translates into "Four More Years."

Back again to Bobby Jones, who insisted on a round of golf with any potential business partners because four hours on a golf course will reveal everything you need to know about a man's character. Or in the words of the great Winston Wolff (Harvey Keitel), Pulp Fiction, "Just because you are a character, doesn't mean you have character." All you characters, have fun tonight. Double regular Skin$, Triple Handi-Skin$. Pro-rated for those of you just dropping in tonight including Dan Cotter, Two-time League Champion Don Taylor, and First Lady Debbie Smith. Welcome and Good Luck to all...

7/17/2020

Just like when a millionaire dies without a will and all the lowlifes they ever met make a claim, so it is when a skin goes unpaid. As Johnny Kisic famously says, "What about me?"

Our first claim came from our defending Champion Randy Walla, whose birdie on #18 was cancelled by his nephew Jimmy. Walla on Walla crime. Epidemic throughout our troubled nation. Randy's contention ? He worked harder for his 4. Driver, hybrid, 9 iron, one-putt. Christ, I don't remember 18 playing 700 yds last week ? Jimmy hit the green in two shots with an 8 iron approach and two-putted. However, 4 = 4. Claim: Denied.

Claim number two arose from one of our best players, Andy Deneen who sank a longish putt on #12 for the lone birdie on the hole, a pretty basic requirement for winning a skin. Claim: Awarded.

However, as Andy failed to circle the birdie on the scorecard, he will be fined $90. Bazinga! Also uncircled, Rocky's birdie on #15 which did not result in any changes to the skin pot. Last week's Handi-Skins had no winners and will carry-over to tonight. Should one of last weeks' absentees (Pendrick, Josh, M.Dan) win, an appropriate number of Summer Shandys will be deducted.

As the season reaches its Sunday, August 23rd Raccoon Classic Climax, the Board will make every effort to equalize the number of matches among all members, so please keep me posted about your absences, remembering I'm overworked, feeble, and rapidly fading. A great Tee shirt motto I think.

The Detroit Tigers are over .500, and I'm enjoying it while it lasts, realizing though, that like Mike Curmi, the Tigers play in a weak-sister pansy division. I witnessed Mike suffer his first defeat of the season last week to the aforementioned Randy W. from the Player division, as he is a Player. Congrats Randy, well done, and Heads Up Mike, the whole world won't bend over for you like your Nicklaus division does. Also, the current tee set-up will continue until the Raccoon Classic, when all hell will break loose. Ponder that bitches!!! See ya tonight...

7/17/2020

Including tonight, five weeks remain to earn enough points to win your division and qualify for the Final Four, or at least earn more dirty filthy cash. The Famous Final Four, the first round of our playoffs, takes place Friday August 21. We unfortunate non-qualifiers have our 3-Man Shambles that night to distract us from the painful humiliation and shame of our failure. To borrow a phrase, "We Shall Overcome."...

Mark Szerlag returns to golf tonight following his self-imposed quarantine. While he is covid-free, he has tested positive for rabies, menopause, and Lou Gehrig's "other" disease. He looks marvelous though...

Rick Wesche will feel marvelous if somebody returns his 1999 U.S. Open hat, which he may have removed in the men's room at Salem. Please re-unite the pair. No questions asked and we will check the lost and found...

Speaking of "lost and found', any and all fore caddies please report to the foursome of Balaka, Josh, Kozy Jon & Rocky tonight. Rockets flying everywhere. Subtracting the par 3's, the 4some has 28 opportunities to hit a fairway, excuse me, I should say, hit their own fairway. Livonia Jack makes the over/under 12. Provisionals 8. Lost balls 5. Best of luck to all...

Vladimir Putin and His Russian Board of Directors had a bounty-paying policy rewarding Afghan rebels for killing American soldiers. A similar policy now exists in the RKGL to anyone who can knock off Mike Curmi, the leader of my Jack Nicklaus division. Even though I tossed a 38 at him, all I could muster was a tie as did Mr. Wesche earlier this season. I offered such a bounty last week to Lynch and Novak who each got slaughtered claiming a lack of preparation time. After 14 matches, former champ Mike is undefeated with a 31 point lead. The best chance his division mates have of a playoff run involves some sort of canoeing mishap this weekend, as Curmi frolics with Livonia Jack up at the Au Sable River. Just a finger or thumb, not a full-on Fredo...

Smitty appears to be leading the Palmer, just as he appears to be a working postman, but in actuality, based on matches to play, Celano and Romeo are truly the leaders. But Smitty is a great inspiration to underdogs everywhere.

It was Tiger immortal Al Kaline who used to call Smitty "Moose" at a youth fantasy camp. From TIME magazine, I would like to reprint the Kaline obit for you baseball lovers: Known as Mr. Tiger for his nearly seven decades with Detroit's ball club - 22 years as a player, and more as a front-office adviser and broadcaster - Al Kaline, who died April 6 at 85, epitomized grace; his elegant swing helped the Tigers win the 1968 World series. "I like to watch him hit," Baltimore pitcher Jim Palmer once said of Kaline. "Even against us."  I met him at Oakland Hills, and have a great shoe laces story to tell you one day over a beer. He was a great ball player and a fine gentleman. As our friend Vic Olah likes to say, "Aspire to inspire before you expire." See you tonight...

7/16/2020

Gentlemen,
The past two weeks of play has witnessed a majority of the league scoring under their averages, so the Board of Directors is directing the majority of the league BACK to the GREEN tee markers. Exclusions include the Fab 4 (Martin, Smitty and the Kisics) and Bryan Zaydel, who has an EVEN match vs. Tim. Only Bryan is playing from the WHITE. He should get a good lie. Others who are moving back AND facing an opponent from a forward tee (Novak, Szerlag, Shaun Walla) will notice a 25 to 30 % reduction in the handicap spotted. Enjoy your day.

6/19/2020

Historically, the weeks surrounding the 4th of July signal half-time for the Kramden League, and tonight, with 9 absences, proves the point. While many are off vacationing or on a golf trip, Mike Danlovich injured his hand working on his stroke, and Gary Novak tore a hamstring jumping off the Trump bandwagon. Hopefully they both can return soon...

Welcome back to both Tim Martin and Dan Danlovich, participating tonight with Terry Celano in a Brown Jig Grinding bowling team reunion minus their anchorman, before he broke his wrist, your beloved Commish.

Good luck to all...

6/19/2020

Perhaps you were under the impression we were playing the Front 9 again, but it's the BACK tonight...

Almost immediately after the 4somes were announced Thursday, the cancellations followed. First Josh Benko, then Tim Martin. Tim's wife Becky is undergoing surgery on her foot, broken in Virginia some weeks ago. We wish her well. Tim is a hand full. Especially on one leg. Josh was simply frightened by his competitors: Randy, Mike Dan, and Harrington. I'd be scared too...

Happy Juneteenth my friends. Aunt Jemima is soon to be out of work, as is Uncle Ben and others. I still miss the hot Indian girl on the Lands of Lakes butter box. Eventually today will become an official National Holiday, possibly replacing Columbus Day. As an 18 time Columbus Day V.D. Open champion, I've done my Columbus research. He was a real bastard. If you couldn't find him any gold in the ocean or digging the mountains with your hands, he'd chop your hands off. Reminds me of Rusty...

And now a word about MINIMALISM. This was the term coined a few years back when golf courses across the country began cutting maintenance costs, going with a more natural look. Back in the 70's and 80's, this kind of thinking resulted with pubes all over the place, out of control. Lots of throat issues. What we see now at Salem Hills is similar: a fairway, an intermediate cut, and Holy Fuck, don't go in there. As a reminder, you have no God-given or constitutional right to hit a driver on every par 4 and par 5. Hit it and find it. That's the key! So don't be afraid to hit a provisional tee shot for those questionable drives hit into Balaka country, and remember the Lynch Rule where you can place the ball in the fairway in the vicinity of where the ball went astray. Two stroke penalty. Hitting fourth shot from that spot. Or you could also practice. The range is open.

Finally, the divisions. Curmi was a lock to rule that motley bunch in the Nicklaus/Daly/Nicklaus division, but look at the rest. Mike Danlovich atop the Bobby Jones, with Zalewski and Wesche guarding the cellar? Kozy Jon Koziel has a 38 point lead over Shaun Walla, but Shaun has him in his sights tonight. Probably won't catch him today though. And take a snapshot of that Arnold Palmer crew, with yesterday's birthday boy, Smitty, riding high. He turns 57 with an actual average of 57. Shoot your age my friend. Spending your nights chained to the bed with the fridge chained shut is not a bad way to go. Keep it up. ( That's what she said. )

5/29/2020

Gentlemen -

Historically, as you know, the Kramden consists of 2 Sundays and 16 Fridays of spine-tingling golf excitement. Due to our slow start, we're allotted only 13 Fridays, but we can still get in as many or more matches. Based on a fabulous WWE 4 Way featuring Nikki Bella, Sasha Banks, Charlotte Flair and the delicious Becky Lynch, I give you the following:
If he's in your group, he's your opponent. You compute the handicaps. Danny Cotter, returning tonight to sub, excluded. Welcome back Dan!

So almost all of you will have 3 matches except Lynch Mob. Per Rusty's decree: PLAY BALL DOWN. NO ROLLING, STICK-HANDLING etc. This could change should we get rain, or our early golfers, acting as scouts for the rest of the league, determine conditions warrant otherwise. It becomes their responsibility, the 4:20 group, to pass the word down to the group behind them. Re-cap of last week is in Friday morning's update. Congrats to Mike Curmi, winner of Part One of TeCToC. Friday he's in the leader's position of playing in last group with 2 of the hottest golfers on the planet AND Mike Danlovich.

5/29/2020

"Ask not what your golf league can do for you, ask what you can do for your golf league."

Terry Celano adheres to this mantra first uttered by FDR then echoed by JFK and rescued by JOE. His Tournament of Champions, cleverly named Terry Celano's Tournament of Champions, awards half of your league dues for the lowest net score for eligible participants. To be eligible, your Kramden career must include a league or division title. Your pro career, irrelevant.

Conditions on Opening Day Sunday prohibited the TeCToC from its usual 18 hole length and so we adjust. Half today on the back, half next week on the front. (Half & Half boys, that's my technique. Don't negotiate, handle her). Next week its June and traditionally we begin playing the ball down in June. We'll see. Rusty ?...

Thanks as always to our Hall of Famer Terry. Until Salem reverts to its friendly former self (the house is dark and the pots are cold), results will be determined off site and envelopes distributed the following week. Or whenever I don't forget them like last week, sorry, work has been hectic, 52 last week. Trade me to the Smitty division. Nipped him by one stroke.

.. So typical Sunday at the World Headquarters; doing stats, cooking the roast, entertaining the Australian stewardesses on layover, and I tune in to the Woods/Mickelson/Manning/Brady golf match. It got quite wet. The event not the Australians. The players wore microphones and of course, rain gear. Over 6 million viewers. A cable golf record. Did any of the players suggest moving the round to Thursday? Couldn't resist. Love you guys...

67% of the claims in the previous paragraph are actually true...

"Prepare to have your mind blown." Commish, May 28. The pairings for today were brilliant, but not mind-blowing. The mind-blowing officially begins next week. Stay tuned. Jon Koziel remains hotter than a two-peckered billy goat. Today he gets Mr. Mellow, a two-time Champion, Mike Curmi, The Cooler. Good luck to you both, but practice and preparation remain helpful...

My Favorite Zarras makes his Kramden debut today 49 years after our initial friendship began. Before there was softball, (Cotter, Szerlag, Lynch, Smith, Novak, Reseigh, Curmi, the elusive Naubert), before there was basketball (Tim Martin, 17711), there was Woodbine whiffle ball with Russ, 17637, and the Commish, 17628. The Big Pine, 17627, a home run, naturally. Zarras, a recently retired Detroit firefighter, arrives as his buddy Pat Harrington mysteriously leaves town. The league just got louder. Welcome...

P.S. The standard under-average jackpot remains in play tonight, and the Big Winner will not also be considered for our usual "piddly" game. After all, I'm still a socialist-hippie...

5/16/2020

OPENING DAY NEWS & NOTES -

KOZY JON SHINES:
Jon Koziel went old school during the off-season. He practiced and prepared to improve, and the results were noticeable. Entering the season with an adjusted average of 49, KJ went 43-42 in shit conditions, 13 shots under average. There's a new kid in town. Tonight he gets Sheriff Randy...

COMMISH CONQUERS DIVISION, 12.5 POINT LEAD:
Alas, that lead might not last long I fear, eventually the sun will come out as will my competitors. Picture yourself storming the beach at Normandy on D-Day like in Saving Private Ryan. As the bullets and missiles whizz by your head you just know that 4 guys remain back in the toilets complaining about the bad chipped beef on toast. Yep, the Cotter-Lynch group. Jack Nicklaus called and asked that his name no longer be associated with these guys. Governor Whitmer said give 'em a break, they're only social distancing. Drunk + hung over + unprepared = JOHN DALY. Conversely, the former Rickie Fowler division was helpful, positive, a credit to the game = BOBBY JONES...

SEX DOLLS: A Korean soccer team has been fined and has since apologized for filling the stands with sex dolls to give the appearance of a crowd for its home game. As your devoted Commissioner, I've contacted them about a league discount for their former "fans"... KEVIN IRRER has forwarded his software to Tim Martin for the Handicapped Skins game, and we hope to have that game up and going sooner than later. With no tables and chairs for an "office", most jackpots will be determined elsewhere until we regain clubhouse access...

LAST AND LEAST, ANDY DENEEN: Least, as in fewest shots of the day, Andy double bogeyed his final hole, #3, to shoot a ho-hum even par 72. (He was sniffin' 69). The round included an EAGLE on #18. Eventually, some players will be sentenced to the back tees to give them a challenge. Until then, we bask in their brilliance... Once again, Lift, Clean and place, or stick-handling, as hockeyists call it, and 16 may be a par 3. We shall see. if so, play it as such...

5/8/2020

Effective tomorrow May 9, one golf cart will be allowed per two golfers, provided that only the driver is inside the cart. We can therefore arrange a 100% walker with a 100% driver or the "cartners" can share. The clubhouse remains closed but hot dogs, beer and pop are on sale.

As the day approaches, more will become clear. In the next 24 hrs. I will be seeking responses from those I haven't spoken to or heard from in awhile. If that applies to you, please inform me as to your interest level in the golf league. To recap, after Opening Day Sunday May 17, Friday's play begins at 4:30 pm, May 22 and continues through until Friday August 21 which will include the Final Four, our semi-final playoff round. The Raccoon Classic is Sunday August 23 and begins at noon. Opening Day Sunday May 17 also begins at NOON. Driving range closed...

4/22/2020

My fellow Kramdenites,

I have spoken to Salem Hills pro emeritus Jim Grant within the past hour, and he expects the course, and thus our league, to open Friday, May 1. This is totally dependent upon the approval of Governor Gretchen, but he believes we will play. Our league size of 32 is now a flexible item, all previous commitments, poof, out the window. Who knows how your situation has changed as you prepare to meet your Maker. The cart situation is to be determined by the Gov., but we can assume that cart sharing is out. Corona may not kill Kramden, but it will damage the Clown Posse! So if your job, health, family situation has compromised your involvement with the league, let me know. As I am an essential worker for my country's survival, I am back to work now but will continue this conversation tonight. Thank you.

God bless America. God bless Ralph Kramden. God bless you and yours.

3/29/2020

My fellow Americans,

Things are getting tough here in Redford Township. Two weeks ago my go-to Chinese restaurant, Happy Garden, temporarily closed. This week, the Governor shut down all massage parlors. That's right my friends. No Happy Garden. No Happy Endings.

Thank you. That's was a good one.

Four Sundays from now, April 26, is the scheduled Opening Day for Year 29 of the world famous Ralph Kramden Golf League. As Benjamin Franklin would say, "While its fine to hope for the best, it's wise to prepare for the worst." The Board of Directors are ready for anything. Salem Hills will have a lot to say, as will the Governor, but ultimately the virus calls the tune. The Masters and U.S. Open have each been cancelled, but they draw bigger crowds. After all, what happens at Salem, stays at Salem.

Unrelated to Corona, Salem Hills has decided that the Friday night cart girls will wear HazMet suits this season due to the number of payments "accidentally" being dropped to the ground to watch the girls scoot about the premises chasing the cash. This so-called "Martin Manuever" worked well for the past dozen years or so, but enough is enough.

Noted pessimist Rusty Lynch forecasts a May 15th League Opener, but he also predicted that 5 up with 8 to play he could hold off Randy Walla and win the 2019 League Championship. Alas, 'twas not to be. Noted optimist and champion Randy is converting his auto parts business into making coffin handles. One man's crisis is another man's opportunity.

Shout out to our friend, Jimmy Walla, busting his ass nursing through this crisis. Stay strong my friends. Live healthy. Stay strong.

The 2009 Tiger-Twin playoff game is starting on MLB at 1pm, and the USA-Canada chick Olympic hockey game is also on NBC. Tonight ESPN airs WrestleMania 32 at 7pm. As brother Joel put it this morning, God's grace is dished out one day at a time. Get through today, tomorrow will take care of itself. Soon we shall all be together. At Salem. In heaven. Or hopefully at Twin Peaks!

JOE

3/13/2020

The world famous Ralph Kramden Golf League is scheduled to open its 29th season Sunday April 26 at stately Salem Hills National Golf Club. 29. The number worn by the legendary Mickey Lolich who notched 3 wins in the 1968 World Series For Detroit's greatest sports team, the 68 Tigers. 29. The age at which our defending Champion Randy Walla lost his virginity. Congrats to Randy on both achievements.

Will there be a 29th season? As it says on my underwear package, Depends. Six weeks ago we never would have predicted this situation. Six weeks from now, who knows where we'll be? I know you guys. I know you're tough. I've got your sealed medical records. Gonorrhea, syphllis, herpes 11, mad cow, lock jaw, monkey paw, slew foot, jungle fever! And that's just the Ben Hogan Division.

The only thing worse though than over-reacting is under-reacting. As the longest reigning commissioner in the sporting world, I recommend a cautious, wait-and-see approach. By the eve of April 25, the answer will be obvious. We are an older league, ripe with vulgarities and questionable hygiene. Even our younger guys are vulnerable, working in the health care industry. In other words, we are a cesspool of germs and bacteria. But good company.

Because of your limited attention spans, this update will continue in the following days. Know that your Board of Directors is prepared for the season to begin. The 4 divisions of 8 are set. Old timers Bryan Zaydel and Bruce Romeo are returning. Bill Naubert has a role. A rookie named Russ Zarras whom I've known since 1971 is joining us as is a guy named Rocky.

Be prepared. Stay well. Thank you for your continued interest in the RKGL... JOE

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12/9/2019

A Kramden Christmas Tale

'Twas the night before the Raccoon Classic, when all through the clubhouse
Not a creature was stirring, not even Holly Sonders blouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that the Clown Posse soon would be there;
The "Nicklauses" were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of Titleist Pro V's danced in their heads;
And the Commish in his 'kerchief, and Rusty in his cap,
Had just settled their brains for a long winter's nap,
When out on the green there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from their beers to see what was the matter.
Away to the window they flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to the first tee below,
When what to their wondering eyes did appear,
But a huge red golf cart and eight tiny beer girls;
With little old driver so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles did their halter tops bounce,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Tawny! now, (Topless)Dancer! now Prancer, oh you Vixen!
On, Scarlet! on, Cupid! on, Bambi and Kitten!
To the top of the fairway! to the top of the flag!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As golf umbrella that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the clubhouse the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of golf toys, and St. Nicholas too—
And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little high heel shoe.
As they drew in their head, and were turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his feet to his ears,
And his clothes were all tarnished with wings and beers;
A bundle of golf clubs he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a caddie just opening his pack.
His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His eight little beers girls, well, wow, how cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a golf tee he held tight in his teeth,
So much weed in his pockets, it looked like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round gut
That shook when he laughed, like fine beer girl butt.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And Rusty and the Commish laughed when they saw him, in spite of themself;
A wink of his eye and a voice that was steady
Soon gave them to know, those beer girls were "ready";
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the golf bags; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his putter aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his cart, to his team gave a spank,
And away they all flew, like from Balaka's driver,
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Happy Christmas to all, my handicap's still not right!”

8/19/2019

Congrats to our 2019 League champion, Randy Walla.

8/17/2019

The Championship Match is worth 21 pts. 10 per each side as we do each week, plus an extra point for overall totals. In this case if Lynch, getting 3 for the day, should finish inside 3 strokes, he gets point 21. If Walla finishes more than 3 strokes ahead, his point. A tie is possible, and results in playoff beginning at #1. Good Luck to you both.

The other 30 of us are comprised of 15 two-man teams, engaged in 6 holes better-ball with handicap, 6 holes alternate shot, and 6 holes scramble. During alternate shot, one player is designated to drive the odd holes (7, 9 ,11) and his partner the even (8, 10, 12). Will you choose wisely?

Other stuff:
1st place prize = $200, 2nd = $120, 3rd = $80, 4th = $60, 5th = $40
c2Pin = $25 per, courtesy of Tim & Terry and RKGL
Skins Pot approx. $250
The Eaglers, Dan Danlovich #15 and Andy Deneen #18 get their rewards
The Yearly Skin Winners will be Announced and Probably Paid
NEW THIS YEAR: The best team score for each 6-hole segment is worth $50.

Congrats to League semi-finalists Mike Curmi and Gary Novak. Tho eliminated Friday, twas a good year. Congrats to Team Cotter (DC, NC, and Pat Harrington) for finishing 2nd with a 4 under round of 32 in the 3-Man Shambles. Congrats to the 3 T's for the lone skin, a birdie 2 on #14 worth $240. Congrats to our Shambles Champs, the Brilliant Mark Szerlag, the Brilliant Bill Naubert and the Commish, their Spiritual Adviser. 6 under par, 30. Like Jack in the 86 Masters!!!

OLD Business: There was a 3-way tie for 3rd and 4th place in Friday's 3 Man Shambles, resulting in a chip-off for our amusement following today's play. The participants will include members of Jack's Pack (Jack & Porth, DT absent), The 3 T's (Tim & the Terrible Terrys) and Team Benko (JBenko 1, JBenko2 & Pendrick). Chip-off 1, the worst chip is eliminated. Chip-off 2, the worst chip wins 4th place envelope. Best chip finishes 3rd...

CHIP-OFF for Raccoon Team will take place for 1st place tie also. Chip-Offs depend upon the weather.

8/15/2019

Three Man Shambles Info:

- 2 tee shots from each member, WHICH MUST BE NOTED ON THE SCORECARD, OR YOUR TEAM WILL BE DQ'd. Disqualified, not Dairy Queen

- Prize Money:
1st place = $150
2nd = $90
3rd = $60
4th = $45

- $10 entrance fee.

- C2Pin contest = $60. Skin$ = $250 (approx.) Final 4 also IN.

- Final 4 ties = playoff/sudden death.

- Shamble tie for 1st = Chip-off

- Any de-commitments = playing short-handed

8/13/2019

Final averages are being computed, and we are waiting for all players to commit, but some Shambles teams have been determined:

Golden Boys 1: Martin, Celano and Terry Smith
Golden Boys 2: J.Kisic, Smitty and Bruce Romeo
Defending Champs: Dave Kisic, Mark Zalewski, Brett Zoroya
Team Danlovich: DD & MD & Balaka
Team Walla: JW & SW & Deneen
Team Cotter: DC & NC & Harrington

*** NOTE: Team must use 2 tee balls from each player (strategy). IT MUST BE NOTED ON THE SCORECARD WHOSE TEE WAS USED PER HOLE. FAILURE TO DO SO WILL RESULT IN DISQUALIFICATION. FORFEITURE OF ALL WINNINGS. PUBLIC SHAMING. NO RETRO-NOTATIONS. TURN IN FAULTY CARD, AND YOU ARE DOOMED!

OUT: the Kevins (Irrer & Cotter), Jon Koziel, Sean Burford
IN: Don Taylor, Nick Cotter, Bruce Romeo

The Great 8: Curmi 6.5, Zalewski 3.5 / R.Walla 7, DD 3 / Novak 6, Martin 4 / Lynch 8, Harrington 2

Team Event : Shaun Walla-Sean Burford-Kozy Jon Koziel ( 25 ) $100
The Terry's: Celano & Smith ( 27 ) $60, Clown Posse ( 28 ) $40
D.Kisic-Balaka 29... Jack & DT 31 … Irrer & CJ 32... DC & NC 33..
Pendrick & JR 33... KC & Wesche 34 … Benkos 34... Deneen & JW 36

In retrospect, we had 2 great tournaments going on under one game. Those who played from the Golds and those who played from the Blues. Should we have "a Great 8" week next year, this event will improve. Thank you all for your "good sportsmanship and camaraderie." Hope you had fun...

8/8/2019

Per an inquiry from respected League veteran Terry Smith, I have given some of you a white/gold tee option for Friday's event. Participatory democracy such as this requires a reply on your part within the next 24 hrs., as I will prepare the scorecards Friday afternoon. If you're a whitey willing to walk on the wild side and go Gold for the day, let me know. This event is a great experiment that could be spectacular in either direction.

This week's Entrance Fee = $10. One common C2Pin contest among all 31 players, with $30 to each winner. The playoffers will have both a $50 straight Skin$ and $50 handi-Skin$ game. The 2 or 3 man teams will compete for a $150 net Skin$ Game (probably best shared, but it's your call). First place team = $100, 2nd team = $60, 3rd = $40.

Last week, with a number of Kramdenites out of town, we had a field of 28 which included the returns of Jeff Balaka after a scratched pinkie finger, Former Champ Don Taylor, Former League finalist Mike Greifenberg, Super Steve Cordon, the sublime Debbie Smith, and hotshot Nick Cotter. Previously old-timers like Bryan Zaydel and Bruce Romeo found their way home, and tonight CJ's back, hopefully with colon intact, but Mr. Irrer's packing a roll of Bounty just in case. The subs are a big part of the league, and annually contribute around $300 to our Lap Dance Fund... er, Raccoon Classic Prize Fund.

Dan Danlovich asks for final payment of the Yearly Skin$ Game of $20. There are 7 of you. This is voluntary of course, but if you did commit to participate, the wolf is at the door.

Those of you missing Raccoon weekend, let's talk. Sunday, the 18th, 1st time is 1 pm...

8/4/2019

Our 8 division champions square off to determine The Final Four, August 16.

Times to be determined. The Great 8 Will NOT be first off, as we want some of the employed champions to arrive and prepare without feeling rushed. Tim plays GOLD. All others WHITE. Preferred lies.

Mark Zalewski vs. Mike Curmi     6
Dan Danlovich vs. Randy Walla      1
Rusty Lynch vs. Pat Harrington      0.5
Gary Novak vs. Tim Martin      1.5

16 players have thus far committed to play the 2-Man Modified Better-Ball Tournament:
Rick Wesche-Kevin Cotter,   Jeff Pendrick-Joe Ranusch,   Don Taylor-Jack Reseigh   John Kisic-Chris Smith,    Terry Celano-Terry Smith,    Dan and Nick Cotter,   Dave Kisic-Jeff Balaka,    Jamie and Josh Benko    OUT: Porth, Zoroya, Szerlag, MDan

Each man tees off. Pick the better drive. Each player finishes the hole with his own ball from there. Team score is the better net after handicap. Many/most will use deep blue tees selected by the Commish and their handicaps rounded up. DT and Jack are a blue-white mix. Dave and Balaka are a blue-gold mix. The Terry's all-white. The Commish is accepting team requests for this event. Congrats to all division winners and good luck to you all Friday night.

Each team must use minimum of 2 drives per member. Should an odd number of entrants occur, the possibility of a 3-man team exists. No official Skin game for the Great 8, but we can play a unified Closest-to-the Pin contest. $10 entrance fee for the Tournament goes toward prize purse and modest skin game.

The league will provide scorecards and supplement prize purse.

7/29/2019

Last night for Yearly Skin$, so White tees including #8. There are no front 9 eagles. 6 and 7 are virgins. DD needs 6.5 pts to surpass KC in the Nicklaus division race. No ties are possible. Good luck to you both...

Harrington needs 5 points tonight to surpass Shaun Walla in the Watson division. Possible playoff to take place next Friday...

Gary Novak needs half a point to clinch the Player and he has 2 matches to get it done. I like his chances...

Next week, The Great 8 advance to the first round of playoff action. The rest of us will form 2-Man Teams and play a Modified better-ball with handicap Tournament. You can pick a partner. Depending on your combined team handicap, you will tee from the green, white or gold tees. Each player tees off. You pick the best and both play their own ball from that spot until completion. The team uses the better of the 2 net scores as their team score. You must use at least 2 tee balls from each man so choose wisely. Start pairing off tonight, even you faraway members. I will pair the stragglers. $100 first place team prize (50/50). Cash for runners-up dependent upon number of $10 entrants.

7/29/2019

Gents,

Here are some details about the Skin$ Game last Friday. We had 15 birdies but no winners in the "straight" game:
12. DC, Josh, Zalew
15. KC, Tim , Celano, Zalew, Pendrick, Wesche
16. Tim & Rusty
17. Wesche & John Kisic
18. Smith, Wesche, DD & DC
The only "Handi" winner was John Kisic with 2/1 on #17. Nice shooting all you birdmen. And all of us thank Kevin Irrer for revolutionizing our Skin Game ciphering. I will accept, in Kevin's name, any beverages you might want to send his way. We must keep his mind clear...

With the Yearly Skin Game concluding Friday on the Front 9, the back 9 winners are final. Eagles by DD on 15 and Deneen on 18 are guaranteed. Virgins on 6 and 7 remain as do the the par 5's which have not been eagled. Therefore, we won't be attempting any team type shenanigans I had in mind for this week. We'll save that for the 9th, and of course, the legendary 3 Man Shambles on the 16th. Jon Koziel is out for the Raccoon Classic weekend, the 16th and 18th. Any others out? Let me know.

Early teams that have formed for that weekend include Dan and Nick Cotter, and the Terrible Terrys, Celano & Smith. 1:00PM is the first tee time for the Raccoon, which is comprised of 6 holes better-ball with handicap, 6 holes alternate shot, and 6 holes of scramble. First place is guaranteed at least $75 per man. Regardless of match play or Stableford scoring system next year, the Raccoon Classic weekend will be back!

7/22/2019

As we check out the health and availability of some of our league members, we'll wait before posting first draft of the tee times.

Attention: Mike Danlovich or Brett Zoroya, can one of you play an early match against Mark Zalewski to help him complete his schedule and possibly make the playoffs? If both of you say no, invitations will be extended to Josh Benko and Dan Cotter. Note to Mark Zalewski, you will have a PM tripleheader against your division mates which will determine the winner. Good luck to you all.

Attention Arcadia players: Assuming Shaun's birthday will occur again next year at the same time, lets work together to make some road matches, and congrats to Jimmy Walla on a fine four birdie 35... Also, should one of you, Mike Danlovich, say yes to an early match, then your evening play would be eligible for the nightly skin game.

7/16/2019

The Smitty hdcp. is much higher than listed but the maximum spot allowed in the HDCP Skin$ Game is 2. ... The Posse will be joined by Bruce Romeo, August 16 in the Kramden 3 Man Shambles. The Danlovich family, the Benko family, and Cotter family (Father and Son) will also be competing. Unless of course, they reach the Final 4.

Both Mike Curmi and John Porth end their regular season schedules tonight with 16 matches played and The Hogan Division Champion crowned. John has a 3 point lead but Mike has 2 matches in hand. Its tight in the Johnny Miller division and we all like it tight. Andy, Jeff and Rick are separated by 4.5 but in 4th place, trailing by 7.5 is Mark Zalewski with 2 matches in hand. Andy and Mark conclude their seasons July 26. Jeff and Rick will need a week off, both play match 15 tonight. They can show-up and play for practice or an exhibition if they like. All division races will be decided August 2nd, by playoff if necessary.

Next weeks' matches include: Josh-KC, Josh-DD, Randy-JR, Jimmy-Zoroya and more...

August 9. The league consists of 2 conferences. Nicklaus, Miller, Hogan, Woods, and Palmer, Snead, Watson, Player. The division Champ with the most points in a conference plays the division Champ with the least pts in the same conference. 2 vs. 3. The winners advance to the Final 4, August 16 and each conference will advance one representative to the Finals, Sunday August 18.

The players who do not make the playoffs will participate in the inaugural Two-Man Better-Ball Stableford Championship August 9 with a prize package of at least $100 per man for the Champs. This will be a handicapped event but you can choose your own partner. The Committee will pair the leftovers. However, there will be an equal number of Golden Boys, Whiteys and Blue Ballers determined by handicap. More details to follow but essentially a net double eagle is worth 10 pts, net eagle 5, net birdie 3, net par 2, net bogey 1. Play your own ball, all the way through. Those with less than 15 matches will simultaneously compete in a regular match for divisional prize money although they will have missed their playoff chances... I may have some point values wrong but we've got time to check it. Mr. Lynch has the numbers. All will be revealed in good time. Best of luck my friends...

6/28/2019

FAIRWAY TIGHTENING - "Preferred lies" is the most common type of relief given on the PGA tour when conditions are less than perfect. This means that balls hit into your own fairway (the hole you are playing at the moment) can be cleaned and placed thereby allowing for possible muddy or plugged lies or bare, sketchy areas. Balls hit into the rough are played DOWN. You hit the rough, you get it rough. The bunker rule still applies. Fringes around the green are considered extensions of the fairway so the ball can be cleaned and placed from the fringe. Historically, the league begins playing the ball down at the beginning of June, this year it appears it will be the beginning of July. A plugged lie in the rough can be moved upon approval of your opponent. A ball that is just muddy but not plugged, no relief. Casual water is the claim you need to make if it applies...

WALLET LIGHTENING - Republican Rusty Lynch, Czar of Finances, expects final league payments in. Sell some stocks or bonds. Trade those gold bars or treasury bills for cash. Euros for dollars. Bye bye bitcoin. Whereas I would accept bottle deposits, things have changed. The wolf is at the door. His name is R. Lynch. I will still convert your Paypal payments...

ACF - Not the big-eyed Congresswoman from New York (AOC), ACF stands for Anti-Cluster Fuck, which is our new tee time strategy. We have gotten a bit casual in our preparedness and appearing that we have our shit together as a league. This falls on the commissioner, and he has been disciplined. Let's get those carts to the box. You should all know who else is in your group, take inventory and get organized. Don't make the starter hunt you down. We've all golfed before.

Thank you...

6/26/2019

Early 8, as we get close to 5 pm and the start of your regular match, I will be pulling you off the course and herding you back to the tenth tee to start that match on time. Upon completion of that match, you will then return to the point of your suspended first match and complete that. Of course, this assumes you don't finish within 2 hours. The 3 o'clock tee times were the best available. See tonight's update but the most important thing is FINAL PAYMENTS DUE. See Mr. Lynch

6/23/2019

The Rain-out Situation

Contractually, Salem Hills has the right to issue rain checks to leagues in a situation like ours when we cannot agree to extending the season. They have exercised that right.

I am in possession of 42 rain checks at this moment and am expecting more. Our goal is to have all members, not including the weak and frail Balaka and Novak, complete 16 matches by the end of day Friday August 2 or before beginning of league play Friday August 9.

Each of you can figure out your situation. I can help with the math if you'd like. 6 nights remain to reach that goal (6/28, 7/5, 7/12, 7/19, 7/26, 8/2). As Randy and I proved last week, playing after your regular round, 4:30-4:38 tee times, is also an option and the pre-league is another way to go as are the doubleheaders.

So the thinking caps come into play. There are 2 pre-league times this Friday, 3:04 and 3:12, and we're still on the back. Please respond if you can play ASAP. Also, Friday July 5, I am making arrangements for some of us to possibly play 18 holes that day (2 matches at least). The catch is that we may be playing the same nine (the front) twice because another league or two is sharing the course with us.

Certainly I understand that for some of you, your schedule or interest level will not permit such maneuvering and doubleheaders are the way to go. No problem. Once again, please educate me:
Out: 6-28 Zoroya, Novak, Balaka and ...
Out : 7-5 Zoroya, Curmi, Szerlag, Irrer, Smitty and...
Out : 7-12 KC and...
Out : 7-19 DD and Zalewski and...
Out : 7-26 Curmi and...
Out : 8-2 Walla Family, Burford, Kozy Jon, Zalewski, Curmi and...
Out : 8-9 Szerlag and. Is anyone missing Raccoon Weekend, 8-16 and 8-18?

6/19/2019

Yes, I know about the probable rain and sogginess of Salem.

After the rain, we'll assess the situation and make a call Friday as to "ball in hand" or not.

Tremendous Open I felt. Congrats to Gary Woodland, a deserving winner who made some incredible scrambling pars. During the weekend, Mr. Lynch texted that Tiger looked like he had quit, but unbeknownst to most of the world, Tiger's grand comeback strategy had been dashed, destroyed, doomed to failure. You know the strategy: Win a major, win back his wife but alas, Elin is pregnant with another man's child proving beyond all doubt, her infidelity to Tiger following their divorce years ago. Tiger is crushed. Insiders feel a relapse is possible. Augusta easier to win than Elin. And now you know... the rest of the story.

Still time to catch the HOGAN movie on Golf Channel. Terrific. The things he overcame. Wow! Possibly the best thing though is watching Ben Hogan swing a golf club. Like some other videos I've watched, watching him or Nicklaus or Watson or Venturi swinging a club is the best study aid for your own game. If you go to the Rocket Mortgage next week, hit the driving range to watch them swing then walk the course to watch the chicks. Catch the Golf Channel rerun at night to watch the tournament.

Much of the round table discussion Friday will center on what to do about our lost week of play. August 9 is the Great 8, the first round of the playoffs. August 16 is the Final 4 and the infamous 3-Man Shamble. Sunday, August 18 is the Raccoon Classic, our big finish!!!

6/14/2019

By now I hope you have heard that Salem Hills has closed today due to wetter than usual conditions. If you still want to play, Randy has made times at Northville Hills starting at 5:41 thru 6 pm, 12 spots, $25. Let him know. We'll regroup and reschedule for next week. I have Zoroya out the 21st, who else? Happy Fathers Day, and enjoy the Open. Joe

6/14/2019

Gents,

The only reason we put a plan out early in the week is so we can get to Plan B before tee time. It seems we have lost Gary Novak. Not in the tall grass, but to a softball injury. The only head-first diving any of us should be doing is into a mound of prime-cut muff, but no, Gary has sacrificed his ribs for a game originally known as "kittenball". Hopefully he'll be back soon.

So, Plan B:
2:32 Zalewski vs. KC 2.5, Harrington vs. Szerlag .5
2:40 Curmi vs. Porth E, Zoroya vs. Curmi 1, Zoroya vs. Porth 1.5

Once again the world of Thomas Duke Enterprises is rocked by the cancellation of the Szerlag-Porth match, but this too shall pass. The physical and psychological frailties of our league members has consequences, but it appears that some bit of healing does occur.

5:28 Szerlag vs. Smitty 9.5, J.Kisic vs. Smitty 5, sub CHRIS JOHNSON

Group 2:32p, you will be in better position than Rusty and I to determine tonight's "ball in hand" or "Balls down" ruling. Figure it out. Pass the word.

#8 White goes to blue/green tee. Gold goes to white.

In other U.S. Open news: Fox has benched Holly Sonders it appears from the weeks' coverage. All the way to Redford, I could hear the screams from Jeff Pendrick. He's not the only one... And the GolfChannel two-night Ben Hogan special starts Monday. There are few people tougher in the history of mankind than Ben Hogan. Well worth the time I suspect..

Thanks from all of us to Terry Celano for our custom-made golf league caps. I was quickly corrected by my tablemates not to bend the brim old-school style, but to leave it flat or risk looking like Bo Weekley. Sure enough, all the TV golfers wear their hats flat and I'm nothing, if not a slave to fashion. Another fine gesture from a fine man. As you know, Bryan has started chemo and we'll keep the updates and prayers coming, and CJ returns to sub tonight, and hopefully we'll see more of him the rest of the season. Welcome back.

6/13/2019

NEWS & NOTES -

Mark Zalewski shot 73 last week and won both closest-to-the pins. Welcome back Z-Man. After a tough early match with def Champ KC this afternoon, you got a walkover in the evening...

Josh Benko shot 78, tying Zalewski in their match, then throttling me. Well done Josh...

Andy Deneen's skin streak stops tonight, he's absent, hoping to get into Pebble as an alternate. Shot 38 last week, worst score in his Kramden career...

Four tight races (Nicklaus, Miller, Woods & Player) and four light on drama, but there's a lot of time left...

Finally, Nick Cotter makes his match play debut, good luck. A sober Cotter? Not necessarily...

6/5/2019

KRAMDEN NEWS & NOTES - Week of June 7

EARLY TIMES FOR 8: Those who are behind or those who will be missing a chunk in the future, we got 2 and 2:08 tee times for Friday. Room for 8. Zalewski, Szerlag, Josh, KC, Mike D, DD, Porth, Curmi, Pendrick, Wesche, others let me know. Front 9, then front again.

PLAYING CONDITIONS: It's still wet, I believe, and Rusty agrees so it will be lift, clean and place as it has been. Still ALL WHITE except for the Golden Boys, Dave and Tim. Last week we sent out an article from the Golf Association of Michigan about the virtues of playing the forward tees, and I hope you’ve had a chance to read it. This topic will return…

MATCH OF THE WEEK: As a general rule of thumb, it’s gonna be a good match when 2 guys without pot bellies get together and this proved true again last week. Rookie of the Year, Top Gun Andy Deneen, Little Koepka himself squared off against the recently unretired Josh Benko, who wiped off a month’s worth of baby poop and vomit and took 7 and a half points with an even par 36, to Andy’s 35. Nice playing to you both… Also shredding par last week were Jeff Pendrick, with a 34, and Rick Wesche with 35. Not a pot belly amongst them… Snead leader Tim Martin beat Watson leader Pat Harrington, and Palmer leader Rusty Lynch disemboweled Player leader Gary Novak. In the Nicklaus, defending champ KC has virtually caught DD after beating him 6-4, but Papa Josh is lurking… As we approach our half-way point, most divisions are very competitive. I awake every morning layered in my own poop and vomit, knowing that the Wallas are conspiring against me, and soon Zoroya will return. Good luck to you all…

THE DISABLED LIST – Last week we speculated that Jeff Balaka would only miss League play with something serious, like a missing body part. We were right. Just had the wrong part. It’s a finger sliced. Balaka has not been Bobbited. Sigh of relief, especially for the Listerine stockholders… CJ, Chris Johnson, is feeling better, but still may need surgery for his holy colon. He sends his best wishes to us all, and I know you feel the same. Get well, CJ… Playing with an injury all season has been Dan Cotter, who dropped a weight on his toe back in April, and has been hobbling ever since. Hang in there DC…

KOZY JON - Jon Koziel made his first mark upon the league last week with a birdie 2 on #17, which won him a skin, handy skin and C2P, a total prize package worth $90. Congrats Jon, who wears the great Hawaiian shirts and is a swell fellow. Going over his scorecard, a 6-4 victory over Slippery John Kisic, Jon’s scores on the last 3 holes: 8 – 2 – 9.

5/31/2019

“LOST BALLS, PROVISIONALS AND JAIL”

Bombing the driver off every non-par three hole is a sound move for most of us, because it is our most expensive purchase and we don’t hit it far enough to get in much trouble, but trouble exists. To the right on #11, over the fence on #12, left on #13, the trees left on #15, the swamp left #18. I call this JAIL.

If there is some uncertainty as to the location of the shot hit a provisional. Look for the “lost” ball first and immediately. No cart girl, no playlist adjustment. In open areas like #10, free drops are acceptable after a consensus is reached but when danger lurks (JAIL), a price must be paid to protect the field. RISK/REWARD shots can’t be awarded a free drop because then there is no RISK. Therefore, in the swamp on #18, if the ball is lost, a penalty stroke shall be assessed before the consensus drop occurs. Natural eagles and birdies happen from the fairway, or at least from a found drive. Soon, all will be normal…

REVENGE OF THE GOLF GODS

It was 44 years ago that I first golfed with Tim Martin. We were joined by two teachers who had taught us both at Murphy and Redford. Afterwards the “veterans” allowed me to party with them, downing shots of Ouzo. Maybe half a dozen before the woozy wobblies took me out. They later confessed to downing shots of water, saving the Ouzo for me. Haha. Funny joke on the youngster. They carried me home. Last Friday, Tim hit the shot of his golfing life, having crossed the creek on #11 with his approach, I stood up on the green describing the shot to him, “good play” as the ball was airborne, “better than most, better than most,” “its in the Hole.” He never got to appreciate his birdie from below, but it was a thing of beauty. And I’ve never tried Ouzo since…

THE BALAKA SITUATION

More than likely he got hurt at work, but he has kept so mum about it, we wonder. In the 90’s the league had a real newsletter full of tips about golf, and also life. Jeff was a big follower of the “The Tom Jones Tip.” The singer would soak his junk in Listerine all day to improve its performance after the concert. He was a legendary cocksman, and the tip was valid Jeff later confirmed, but could all those years of anti-septic rinse harm the “Big Balaka”, and can it be fixed in only three months? We hope so Jeff, and wish you well…

“I NAILED LIKE A DOZEN GUYS”

This quote from our friend Gary Novak two weeks ago had him straining to do some explaining, even though we referred him to our Seinfeld education, “not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Apparently, the described activity referred to PAINTBALL. If my editor seemed to imply something else, we apologize...

5/30/2019

Welcome back to Mark Zalewski after extensive traveling around the world. Also Curmi, T.Smith and Mike Danlovich, fresh out of annual re-hab. Tomorrow we clarify both the "lost ball" rule and idle Balaka speculation...

5/23/2019

Remember, new Out of Bounds Rule at #12. You can hit 3rd off tee if you go over fence or you can go to where it crossed OB line and drop/place ball in fairway (not rough) with 2 stroke penalty. Hitting shot 4 from drop spot. If I'm wrong, Mr. Lynch, please correct.

Also, WALKER makes a damn fine shortbread cookie but at 89 cents per two-pack, I believe it falls into "luxury" cookie category and is therefore DQ'd. Letter Carrier Lee Ann Frey also makes damn fine, extraordinary shortbread cookie. Probably should know less about shortbread cookies...

5/22/2019

THE KRAMDEN QUARTERLY

Make-Up Rounds: There are two popular ways: 1) Playing 2 guys at once during regular league play, a double-header, or 2) scheduling a match pre or post regular league play. Last week our first group finished well before 6:30 and easily could have played another nine holes. And so my question is, you got 2 choices, how do you want it? A combo works for most. Let me know.

Tee Boxes: We’re not the only golfers who whine about them: Golf-crazed golfer Caitlyn Jenner’s monster drives off the ladies tees have fellow members at her swanky L.A. country club fuming. “Bruce was a killer golfer and now so is Caitlyn,” spilled an insider. “But no one wants to play with her because they believe she’s beating them by bending the rules!” The former Olympic hero , 69, is well aware that her fellow golfers are green with envy, but Caitlyn couldn’t care less. “She looks like a lady, but swings with the strength of a linebacker,” added the insider. “Then she gloats while winning round after round.” Next time around on the front, we’ll all be moving back on number 8, White to Green/Blue, Gold to White. This week if #16 if a par 3, move back a box on #17, Gold to White, White to Green/Blue.

The Koepkas: They were great last weekend. Brooks, The Big Koepka, dominated the PGA winning his 4 th of the last 8 Major championships played eventually winning by two. Your beloved Commish had the pleasure of playing against Andy Deneen, Little Koepka, who eventually beat me by two, 6 to 4. The key I have found, when playing against your better, is to take away a tip to help your own golf game. From Andy, L K, I stole a lot of putting technique: ball position, putter angle and head stillness. From Brooks, B K, I took the right index finger down the putter grip which I did long ago. As Arnie helped Jack and Jack helped Arnie, it is the Golfer’s Code to help one another. Directly or indirectly, try to learn something every round.

Skomski vs. Kramden: At this point in your golfing career, you should be able to tee your ball up and hit your fairway or at least find the ball. Soon this will be even more important when we begin to play the ball down as this rough will hurt you. Remember the landmark Supreme Court case of Skomski vs. Kramden which essentially legalized practice between rounds including the use of driving ranges, training videos, new equipment and exercise because “this is a money league.”

Miss it Fast: Lee Trevino used to say, “If you’re gonna miss it, miss it fast.” DD first mentioned this, and Balaka echoed it throughout the evening, but practice time is to be done between rounds, not during them. You have no right to expect success in class when you fail to do your homework.

The Dirty Dozen: “I’ve nailed like 12 guys.” Gary Novak, at the Round Table.

The Maria Fassi Alert: Also overheard at the Round Table , our esteemed Hall of Famer, Tim Martin, “It's so much fun to watch college girls play softball. You can see everything.“ One thing you need to see is the walk-off hidden ball trick used to win an elimination game last week. Ask me or google, a thing of beauty… On a related note, Maria Fassi is a college golfer destined for LPGA stardom. I hope this does not deteriorate into another Suzanne Peterson protection order situation but who can say???

Editor’s Note: The “Round Table” is actually square, or when placed together, rectangular. Nevertheless…

When a Short Boy Has Too Many Tall Boys, Oh Boy!: With the clubhouse closed and the gates locked, I kept vigil with Smitty as he awaited his ride when a road rage episode ensued on Five Mile, or as we used to say, Fenkell. (Editor's Note: 6 Mile and McNichols)

Two guys got out of their cars and profanely discussed the speed limit before speeding off westward without fisticuffing, as if putting on a show for our amusement. Not so amusing for Smitty was how his former Clown posse crony abandoned him after golf, rather than alter his pre-game Budweiser consumption. (CVS, not Kroger, DC informs us). By switching from 3 to 8 pounding to 5 to 10, John Kisic could improve both performance and camaraderie. But alas, he is retired, set in his ways. Says the aforementioned Novak of the former CP, “ Sometimes they’re so slow, they slow down the group in front of them.” Although no one can look away from a car wreck, I’m not sure that’s possible but tonight we try something new. Good Luck to all.

PAIRINGS determined tonight as we sift through sub situation. Thanks

5/16/2019

Gentlemen -

If on the day of play you decide to not play, call the course. Leave a message. Don't e/mail.

The idea behind moving the "Clown Posse" forward to the gold tees was to make them more competitive and to increase their enjoyment of the game. This experiment proved unsuccessful, so the Gold tee box privilege has been revoked and previous handicap restored.

5/5/2019

During his prime Jack Nicklaus put away his clubs at the end of September and spent the off-season hunting, fishing and fathering. Come February he would start fresh, reviewing the fundamentals with his long-time coach Jack Grout.

As the golf league begins again, we review our fundamentals which are plainly stated in our Constitution written way back in 1992. This is our mission statement, as you corporate raiders would say, our goals and aspirations, what we are all about.

THE CONSTITUTION - We the people, in an effort to form a more perfect blend of sport and camaraderie, do hereby ordain and establish this, the Ralph Kramden Golf League. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men shall arrive promptly, golf briskly, tip the waitresses generously and enjoy our selves immensely.

Well, maybe not "plainly" stated.

In that effort, Rusty Lynch has taken over the dues collecting and Kevin Irrer is perfecting the skins game, so please give them your full cooperation. Please turn in the scorecard before stumbling to your trunk, and remember to add the scores and figure the points.

THE CONSTITUTION - Amendment One - Ask not what your Golf League can do for you, ask what you can do for your Golf League.

RKGL Hall of Famers Tim Martin and Terry Celano have taken this amendment to heart throughout our history. Today, they partnered to sponsor our Closest-to-the-Pin contest, awarding $25 to each of our 4 par 3 winners, not including #16. Remember, if #16 is a par 3, play #17 BACK like Friday.

Terry Celano Tournament of Champions - All former league champs and division winners are eligible to win half of their league dues for the lowest actual score and the lowest net score. One person cannot win both. First, low round, $235. Then, low net, $230. We try to avoid singles like those public courses.

More Kramden history next week, lets golf.

4/30/2019

Gentlemen,

As you know its wet out there. Salem closed last weekend. So wet even Glenhurst is closed. Plan on playing Friday (4:30) and Sunday (1:12) at Salem Hills. Matches will be announced Thursday after we determine the field. As of now, KC and MDan are out Friday. Jack is out Sunday.

Also, it took almost 48 hours but we've got a new guy, Sean Burford. He is an active terrorist and weekend cannibal. Welcome Sean.

Finally, if you have a moment, extend get well wishes to CJ as our defending champ has done already . Back 9 Friday unless course allows us to play front which we expect to be drier. We plan on great generosity and teamwork on lost/buried balls this wknd.

4/26/2019

Men of Kramden,

Due to unplayable course conditions, Opening Day has been postponed. We will begin league play (weather and course permitting) on Friday, May 3rd. We are looking to reschedule the opening 18 hole round on Sunday, May 5th (Cinco de Mayo). More information to follow.

Rusty

4/11/2019

Dates To Remember:

April 11 – Kohls Days at Kohls begins. Earn $10 Kohls cash for each $50 spent. Also, The Masters begins.
April 14 – Game of Thrones returns for its final Season. Special Snack Day. Also, The Masters concludes.
April 19 – Randy Walla’s Good Friday Open at Northville Hills.
April 22 – Earth Day. Once a year we make an effort to clean up our planet, Earth. Daily, it’s a good idea to wash Uranus.
April 28 – Sunday – Opening Day. 12:02 first tee time.
May 3 – The First Friday – 4:32 first tee time.
July 5 – We play. 16 Fridays, 2 Sundays.
August 9 – Playoffs begin for the 8 division winners. Losers like me and 23 others will be playing some sort of meaningful round of golf.
August 16 – The Final Four and 3-Man Shamble
August 18 – Sunday, Noon – The Raccoon Classic & Championship

· Dues: $465. As my incompetence grows, Mr. Lynch takes over collection duties but you can still pay me thru Paypal, as some of already have, and I will credit your account. Himself prefers cash, but we all must learn to live with disappointment. As always, installment plans remain available.
· The schedule for May is nearly complete, so please keep me posted as to your absences. MDan out 5/3, etc.

3/17/2019

Good morning, Good Friends -

In our quest for "a more perfect blend of sport and camaraderie," your golf league Board of Directors has put forth a number of new ideas for this season. First of all, Rusty Lynch will now be collecting the dues ($465). Installment plans are still available. Paypal users can send their dues to me and I'll take care of it.

Secondly, under the direction of Stat Czar Kevin Irrer, we are shopping for software that will change our bookkeeping methodology and give you a fuller more detailed look at your game and the games of your fellow league members. We envision a laptop at our scoring table right next to our pile of ten dollar bills and a Collection Man who will volunteer to help gather the cash on a weekly basis.

Third, we have doubled the number of divisions from 4 to 8, thereby doubling the number of playoff participants and starting the playoffs one week earlier on August 9. Because of this rather late development, out of respect for those who have made plans for that weekend, we will be quite flexible in our make-up/rescheduling of a quarterfinal match. We will be much less flexible for those absent August 16 because that date has long been established as part of Championship weekend.

As for the divisions themselves, the only one the Board is prepared to announce at this time is the Sam Snead Division, consisting of Tim Martin, Chris Smith and the Kisic brothers, aka the Golden Boys.

Due to our many commitments elsewhere, our scheduling of opponents, must by necessity also be flexible. The handicapping system allows for a Nicklaus division man to cross over to the Snead division as easily as I cross from Redford to Livonia, but like my journeys west of Inkster Road, we will do so only as a last resort. Our goal is for every one who shows up to have a match and that will mean an occasional double-teaming. The divisional playoff round is scheduled for August 2. The Opening Day line-up will be announced during The Masters, April 11 thru April 14.

Stay tuned. Both my teeth and ambition are bared, Be Prepared!

Joe

3/11/2019

NUMBERS TO KNOW:
32... the league size has increased from 28 to 32, 4 divisions of 8.

4:30... our first tee time has been moved from 5pm to 4:30. Hopefully this should allow all play to conclude before dark. Our last group should tee off at 5:30pm.

4/28... Opening Day, April 28, Sunday.

12:02... Opening Day tee times begin

5/3... First Friday of play

8/16... Final Friday of play

8/18... League concludes. RACCOON CLASSIC, Sunday, noonish.

0... Zero members from last season are not returning. Former members Mike Curmi and Gary Novak are back. Welcome rookies Jon Koziel and Andy Deneen.

465... Dues remain modestly priced at $465. Installment plans available. Paypal OK.

4... Golden Boys. As a big believer in Jack Nicklaus, I have long been an advocate of PLAYING IT FORWARD, which means playing the appropriate tee box for your skill level, which hopefully makes the game more enjoyable. Feedback from the 4 (Tim, Smitty and the Kisics) indicates this is true. The Committee believes a 20% reduction in their handicaps to be correct.

Expect more frequent "mailings" from the World Headquarters as the season draws near. Any and all questions welcome. If you prefer a later tee time let me know. If you know of any early season absences, let me know as the schedule and the divisions are under construction. It will great to see you all again.... Joe

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8/20/2018

Congratulations to the 2018 League Champion, Kevin Cotter.

8/19/2018

"History notes that the fraternal lodge of our namesake, the Loyal Order of Buffaloes, held a yearly two-man golf event fostering camaraderie, good fellowship and the numerous downings of adult beverages. Whereas the beverage downing is optional, the camaraderie and good fellowship are mandatory."
         Common Knowledge, 1992

"It is the best of days. It is the worst of days. Our golf season ends with a spectacular finale. But it does end, and it is spectacular."
         RC, 2005

12:00 Terry Smith-Chris Johnson, Terry Celano-Gary Novak
12:08 Jamie Benko-Dan Danlovich, Tim Martin-Josh Benko
12:16 Randy Walla-Mike Danlovich, Mark Zalewski-Shaun Walla
12:24 Jeff Pendrick-Chris Smith, John Kisic-Joe Ranusch
12:32 Jack Reseigh-Dan Cotter, Ken Anderson-Jimmy Walla
12:40 Kevin Irrer-Don Taylor, Dave Kisic-Rick Wesche
12:48 Rusty Lynch-Brett Zoroya also LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH Kevin Cotter vs. John Porth

With the storms last night, Director of Competition Rusty Lynch will determine if our balls will be in-hand today, or if we play it rough and ready.

Kramden Financials 2018
INCOME: Dues $450 x 28 = 12,600 + Subs $360 = $12,960
EXPENSES:
Golf $10,976
Division 1,000
Raccoon 460
Shambles 300
Trophies 150
PSWins 75
Total $12,961
Room of Sin (priceless)

(Note: PSWins are victories in the post-season, $25 per)

The Raccoon Classic was originally budgeted for $400, but a late flurry of subbing brought the fund up to $460, thereby increasing the team pay-out.

New, Improved RC: 1st = 150, 2nd = 100, 3rd = 80, 4th = 60, 5th = 40, 6th = 30

"Ask not what your golf league can do for you, ask what you can do for your golf league." Once again Tim Martin & Terry Celano are sponsoring our Closest-to-the-Pin Contest, worth $25 on each Par 3. Thank you once again gentlemen for all you do for all of us. In addition, Dan Cotter is donating a new golf stand-up bag to the C2Pin winner on #14. Thank you Dan for "standing up" for your golf league and for conducting the Yearly Skin Game. See what I did there? Huh? Huh?

Upcoming golf 2018:
Next Friday, Randy is organizing a game here at Salem Hills. See him if interested...
October 6 - Salem Hills Invitational 4 Man Scramble ($25 per)
October 6 - Coldwater Cooldown hosted by Mark Zalewski, Coldwater,MI.
October 6 - Ron Boal Memorial hosted by Rusty Lynch, Glenhurst,MI.
It reminds me of the original Band-Aid, 1985ish ?. Phil Collins performed in both Philadelphia and London. Maybe Elton John too. Not that Phil performed "IN" Elton John, although that's possible I suppose.
October 8 - Monday, The VD Open hosted by ??? at Salem Hills, 8:30.

As more is known, it shall be revealed to you.

The scores used to determine your handicaps next year will reflect your more recent ability, as I'm dropping the best 10 of 20 now used for a more current 8 of 16 or even 7 of 14 standard.

Congrats and good luck to both of our league Finalists, John Porth and Kevin Cotter, who have entered the Cone of Silence (not a euphemism) and can't be reached for discussion, but a format will be agreed upon before tee-off. Congrats to the Zebros team of Dave KiZic, Brett Zoroya, and Mark Zalewski for their victory in Friday's 3-Man Shambles, and to Tim Martin and Dan Cotter for winning their divisions.

Thanks to Kevin Irrer for his deft handling of the skin game. He is much less susceptible to bribes and evil-doings than I am. Thank you Kevin. You are appreciated.

Thank you Randy Walla for a fine year without scandal defending your coveted Kramden Championship, and for being our Master Pimp, so adept at rounding up subs and family members for the league. A fine Ambassador you are, Partner.

Puppetmaster Lynch also has a strong pimp hand and uses it wisely. His work in front of, and especially behind-the-scenes, goes overlooked and unappreciated at times but it shouldn't be and it isn't. Not be me. Thank you all for another great 18 days worth of daydreams to last the other 347.

It is a good soup, and we're all in it together...

8/18/2018, Part 2

From the Desk of Dan Cotter:
Just a couple comments. Good luck to Kevin and John, two very worthy champs. I almost didn't come back this season. I had a difficult year. I owe a great debt to Terry Celano, who told me a year ago to almost this date "we need you back, it won't be the same if you don't play". Thank You Terry, I had a blast this season, and I look forward to another great Sunday filled with laughs cheers and good golf. Good luck boys.

Thanks Dan for the donation of a new Stand Bag to the Raccoon Classic. Closest to the pin on #14 wins it. Hit'em close, gents.

8/18/2018

SALEM HILLS, MI.
Kevin Cotter and John Porth will face off Sunday for the League Championship, following their Friday night Final Four victories. Congrats to Dan Cotter and Tim Martin for winning their divisions and having a splendid season of golf. Kevin and John will each play from the White tees, with the handicap for their match to be determined after the Committee recovers from last night. A total of 24 players will use the White boxes. 4 players will use the Gold tees.

The Zebros - Dave Kizic, Mark Zalewski and Brett Zoroya - won the 3 Man Shambles with a score of 31, five under par. The Canadian Club (3 gentlemen, so nice they could all be Canadians) finished second with 32, followed by CJ and the Champs at 33. There were 3 skins, each worth $80. The Zebros got 2 with birds on 11 & 12, while the "Canadians" got one by eagling 15. I have $100 for Dave, $60 for Rick, and $20 each for CJ and Pendrick.

A more complete Raccoon update is to follow complete with the 2018 budget report, final averages and such. Here are the pairings:

12:00     Celano-Novak, Smith-Johnson
12:08     D.Danlovich-Jamie Benko, Martin-Josh Benko
12:16     Zalewski-S.Walla, M.Danlovich-R.Walla
12:24     Pendrick-Smitty, JR-J.Kisic
12:32     D.Cotter-Reseigh, J.Walla-Anderson
12:40     Wesche-D.Kisic, Irrer-Taylor
12:48     Lynch-Zoroya, KC vs. Porth (2018 RKGL Championship)

Attention: For Handicap Purposes, the holes on the Front 9 are computed differently by the League than by the course. This is because the course is figuring from the back set of tees and we are using the front sets. There is some aversion to giving any player 2 handicap strokes on a 125 yard par 3. However, the Raccoon is designed to be a shoot-out and not the US Open (maybe the middle 6 holes are US Open-like). Here is how we are using the Front hdcp.

#1 - 2, #2 - 6, #3 - 8, #4 - 4, #5 - 3, #6 - 9 # 7 - 1, #8 - 7, #9 - 5

All cards will be prepared for you. A 9 handicap player gets a stroke on each of his 1st 6 holes. A 5 hdcp. strokes on #1, #4 and #5. A 14 hdcp. would get 2 strokes on #1, #4 and #5 and 1 stroke on #2, #3 and #6.

A few years ago the Championship match became a battle for 21 points. Two matches worth 10 pts. each, like we play every week, and an all-important extra point for totals for the 18 holes of competition. Traditional $10 entry for all. Closest-to-the-Pin sponsored by Tim & Terry. $400 Prize fund to be split among Top 6 teams. $150 first place. More details after work. Thank you.

P.S. Next Thursday Terry Celano's 104 year old father Tony will be at Comerica Park throwing out the first pitch of the Tigers' game. 112 year old Lou Kopriva is reportedly quite jealous. Tony Celano? Was that the guy played by James Gandolfini on HBO?

8/17/2018

In a book entitled, "The Best Golf Stories Ever Told", gifted to me by my friends Mark Zalewski and Randy Walla, I came across this gem from nine-time major champion Gary Player about overcoming the pressures involved in playing a big match:
    "It's a case of dealing with the nerves of realizing a dream for the first time. That can be a major obstacle when you want something so badly and have worked all your life to be at that point. The secret is to not focus on the pressure of the situation, but rather on the blessing of being in a position to go for your dream."

When this weekend is over, one of you fine gentlemen will find their life completely changed, while the other three will find themselves back with wannabes and the neverweres. Nothing wrong with that. Happiness is attainable at their level. But let's not kid ourselves. We're talking Ralph Kramden Golf League Champion Golfer of the Year. Good luck to you all.

The first step down for tonight's non-achievers will be their qualification for the Two-Man Team event of Sunday's Raccoon Classic. As a reminder, the first 6 holes are a better-ball of two format (this is the only portion of the RC where your handicap comes into play); the middle six holes are alternate shot played with one-ball (down, with one player designated to tee off on the even numbered holes, the other teammate tees off the odd); the final holes are a scramble (you will need all the balls you got).

Historically, teammates split their skin winnings, which are derived from the $10 entry fee. The $25 C2Pin prize is donated by our RKGL Hall of Famers Tim Martin and Terry Celano. There is also a $400 prize fund split among the top 6 teams, with the winning team pocketing $150. The $50 Eagle Reward from Celano and Martin will also be paid out Sunday as will the regular season pay-out for the your division performance: ($100, $60, $40, $30, $20).

Dan Cotter will pay off the Yearly Skin winners at his convenience. As he previously reported they are Terry Smith Eagle on 4, Rusty Lynch Birdie on 7, Jeff Pendrick Eagle on 15, Yours Truly Eagle on 18.

On the final regular Friday last week, birdies were everywhere. Two on #1. Jamie Benko birdied #2, cancelling Jimmy Walla's previously held yearly skin. Mike Danlovich and Ken Anderson each bagged the #3 virgin, but DC captured the pot with the lone par on #6 and lone bird on #8. Multiple birdies cancelled 9.

FRESH POSSE, STRANGE POSSE, NO SURE THING
In what only be considered another humiliating concession of age and a consequence of retirement, our friend Bruce Romeo has withdrawn from the Raccoon Classic after possibly breaking a rib after a "real strong cough". This is the future gentlemen. A sneeze could snap your spine. A shower slip breaks your hip. Your positions in bed determined by the location of your colostomy bag. Somehow the great Lou Kopriva made it to 112 years of age and is still ticking, but he is still haunted by Donnie Taylor crushing him in the League Championship. Way to go Don.

Don will join us for the weekend, filling in for the fragile Romeo with the Clown Posse. Also playing Sunday, Gary Novak.

Two weeks ago I witnessed Defending Champion Randy Walla micro-managing his very capable nephew Jimmy in a relatively meaningless team match against myself and the Mighty Balaka. With another Walla to jockey tonight, pace of play in their group could be ponderous, therefore we suggest no cuts and that all threesomes be ready for action when it's time. Nothing I hate more than a lazy 3some. For the record, Randy/Champ/Partner, we cannot suspend play and resume Saturday morning. Let's get it in. Let's get it on!!!

As Randy would say, "There are no meaningless matches." Agreed.

8/14/2018

The full list of groups and tee times for the Shambles event can now be found here.

Results of the year-long Super Skins:
#4 - Eagle - Terry Smith
#7 - Birdie - Rusty Lynch
#15 - Eagle - Jeff Pendrick
#18 - Eagle - Joe Ranusch

Please pay Dan Cotter $20 this Friday for the Super Skins entry fee. Thanks.

8/12/2018

Friday August 17, Back 9
4:56 Dan Cotter vs. Kevin Cotter, John Porth vs. Tim Martin
Winners of these 2 match advance to the League Championship 18 hole match, Sunday August 19 in the final group of the Raccoon Classic. First time - NOON.

3-Man Shambles, Friday August 17 - Each team must use at least 2 drives from each member. 3 man scramble.
1st announced team - "The Golden Boys":    John Kisic, Bruce Romeo, Smitty
As of Friday - "The Fabulous Flying Walla Family":    Randy, Jimmy & Shaun
As of Today - "The Keeler Kids":    Rusty Lynch, Jack Reseigh & Ken Anderson

As far as I know, only Jeff Balaka absent. $10 entrance fee. Stay tuned.

8/10/2018

Dan Cotter and Josh Benko are tied atop the Jack Nicklaus division with a showdown looming tonight but the story would be much different if not for some Dan Danlovich "barely legal" heroics two weeks ago on the back nine. Technically though, it took place on both the back and the front.

Ever since the rapidly fading Commish eagled number 18 June 29, every bum and his brother has been taking their shots at the green, reasoning that if I could do it so could they _{(Editor: true)}. Whatever...

Danny Danlovich put his second ball over the practice putting green through the parking lot coming to rest behind the ninth green. He got his third up quickly (nice work at his age) over the Chinese elms and the Oriental man and his hundred practice balls on the green AND the pine trees behind 18 landing softly enough for an important two putt par tying Josh for the hole and winning totals for himself. Could easily have been another point and a half for Josh, and it kept DD in the hunt for the Final Four.

Envision that. We're thinking of a contest following the Raccoon to duplicate that shot. Our legal department has some concerns though. Like that upscale magazine with the same title, "Barely Legal" means completely legal, and for the record, I enjoy the in-depth interviews and provocative journalism.

88... The number of keys on a piano, Charley Sanders number with the Lions, average Kramden IQ score. Picture this playoff scenario. Josh and DC split 5/5. Two-man playoff. And then DD takes 7. Three-man playoff. And then Zalewski takes a total of 17 in his two matches. Four-man playoff. Tied at 88. To settle that, street fight, no guns , knives acceptable, no tridents. Things tend to escalate with tridents. We'll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

As for the other races, Jack Reseigh has a half-point lead over Tim Martin but Jack is off canoeing with Mike Curmi so Tim faces Dave Kisic with a four-point lead and a bottle of Viagara to pump him up for the big match. Good luck to you both. Two RKGL Hall of Famers...

John Porth leads the Player but is off plotting Szerlag's overthrow from Thomas Duke (believe me, I know what Mark is going through) so Mike Danlovich needs six and half tonight from the easily bribable Brett Zoroya to win the division. Let the games begin.

Finally, the best two golfers in the Arnold Palmer continue their month of play with Kevin Cotter taking on our defending Champion Randy Walla, mounting a valiant defense (stop thinking of that mag when I say "mounting'). Good luck to you both...

Offically, Jeff Balaka has withdrawn from the Final weekend citing religious concerns and Mark Szerlag is out for Sunday the 19th. Any others???

The first team committing to play in Friday's 3-Man Shambles Former Champion John Kisic, former runner-up Bruce Romeo and former Chris Smith, Smitty. The Golden Boys. Other teams to be announced Sunday, August 12.

I owe Brett Zoroya $110 and Jeff Pendrick $30 from last week. Are deposits ok? Catch me after golf. I'm kicking some Clown Posse ass Friday. I mean, Good luck to you both...

8/3/2018

FINAL FOUR
The Final Four takes place Friday August 17. The Jack Nicklaus division champion plays against the Arnold Palmer champion. Gary Player champ vs. Tom Watson champ. The winners advance to the League Championship Final Match, Sunday, August 19, noonish.

The Nicklaus race is between Josh Benko and the Dans, Danlovich and Cotter. Josh and DD go tonight. Josh and DC next week. Zalewski is a shell of himself. Wesche is simply a shell, crippled with back miseries. Pendrick grabbed a big wad of cash Opening Day, then followed it with a yearly skin after eagling #15. He's been phoning it in ever since, but with 2 virgins open for business on the front nine, perhaps he'll make an effort tonight.

Randy Walla has been putting up a spirited defense of his 2017 League Championship chasing down Kevin Cotter in recent weeks with a battle tonight and possibly next week. Good luck to you both.

Rookie John Porth has a decent lead in the Player division playing his final regular season match with a Brett Zoroya matinee. Mike Danlovich is lurking. Not a comforting thought.

Jack and Tim play tonight. Jack has a 4 and a half point lead but is done after this match. Dave Kisic plays Tim next week. Dave has the unpredictable Rusty Lynch tonight. The Watson is watchable this season, but many eyes are turned toward the Clown Posse, not together for the second consecutive week, as Smitty entertains out-of-town guests and abandons Johnny. Could the end be near? Nominations for new Posse members are pouring in, and will be given their due consideration. Shri Thanedar? Let's wait until after the election before we pursue him.

Historically, "early" players are not eligible for yearly skin scores but watch for a ruling from the Dans... The Tigers turned a rare 1-3-2 double play this week. Congrats to Morris and Trammell on the HOF. Baseball geek quiz: Pitcher retires the side with one pitch? Scenario please. Pitcher retires the side without throwing a single pitch??? How can this be? Pitcher begins inning fresh.

7/27/2018

YEARLY SKIN$ UPDATE - The Dans know the participants:
1. Multiples
2. Jimmy Walla 5/18
3. VIRGIN (Shaun Walla before play was rained out, Darn!)
4. Terry Smith EAGLE 6/15
5. Dan Danlovich 7/6
6. VIRGIN
7. Rusty Lynch 7/6
8. Multiples
9. Multiples
10. Multiples
11. 3 birds (Pendrick 2, MDan)
12. 2 birds (MDan & Balaka)
13. 2 birds (Jack & DC)
14. Multiples
15. Jeff Pendrick EAGLE 6/1
16. Multiples
17. 2 birds (Jamie Benko & MDan)
18. Joe Ranusch EAGLE 6/29

More details to follow from the Dans. Please bring any and all disputes to my attention and I will notify the Dans. I'm not perfect, just damn good...

Thank you for bringing your accounts up to date.
As for August 3, Smitty is out. Porth is out for the PM. Looking for 2:30pm opponent. Rick Wesche may be out.
As for August 10, Porth, Jack, Jimmy and Shaun Walla are out.
Keep me posted for anyone else. Mark Szerlag is out for the Raccoon Classic, 8/19, Don Taylor is in.

7/22/2018

Gentlemen,
Congrats on another smooth Friday night of golf. Somehow you let Bruce Romeo and Gary Novak take some of your money. Have you no pride whatsoever? Nevertheless, I have the following absences recorded:

Jack Reseigh, Jimmy and Shaun Walla - August 10
John Porth is missing a date in August. Details please.
Any one else missing any of the upcoming dates (7/27, 8/3, 8/10, 8/17, 8/19)?

7/18/2018

Where are you? Where are you going? Two important questions in life, a round of golf and especially, mail delivery. Today, we answer those questions about the RKGL. Although the golf league constantly occupies your thoughts, particularly as you attempt to prolong intercourse, the season only consists of 18 days, two Sundays and sixteen Fridays.

Four Fridays (7/20, 7/27, 8/3 and 8/10) remain to earn points toward your division. Upon completion of play, August 10, our Final 4, the division champs, will be determined. They will face-off August 17 to determine the two finalists while the rest of us engage in the infamous, 3-Man Shambles.

The Sunday grand finale is August 19, The Raccoon Classic. The winner of the Nicklaus/Palmer conference faces the winner of the Player/Watson in 18 holes of match play. The rest of us are paired off and play as two-man teams.

Our scheduling goals for the Nicklaus/Palmer conference was for each man to play his division mate twice and the other conference members once followed by the August 10 position round. Those goals remain attainable with the exception of Jimmy Walla's 8/10 absence. Any others absent from now til the end, please re-notify me.

For the Player/Watson members, we hoped everyone would play each other once and then engage in a two-week round-robin position round type thing and we'll come close to that goal. Jack Reseigh is missing 8/10 and will complete his regular season August 3rd but both divisions should have interesting/thrilling conclusions. Any others absent from now til the end, please re-notify me.

Remember, all pigs are created equal, but some are more equal than others. Those of us with a number of absences or are out of contention or insist on sharing the same cart every week will find their schedules more altered than others.

I am absent this week so all complaints and grievances should be directed to Rusty Lynch, who will give them all their due consideration. Speaking of due, the remaining dues are due, and although he has outstanding beer tabs all over town, Rusty is quite trustworthy with cash. Any checks and PayPal to me, Joe Ranusch. Note again that should your ball find a divot in your own fairway, you are now entitled to relief after notifying your opponent, no stick-handling though.

Everywhere I go I hear the same thing, "Joe, how about more of your personal opinions and observations in my golf league update." As the inventor of sargasm* I recognize your meaning and despite the old saying about keeping quiet when you have nothing good to say, I will offer the following.

Universally, the media treated the rescue of the soccer team in Thailand as a miracle, and the work done by the rescuers was amazing. One Navy SEAL even gave his life to save these idiots. Excuse me, but its not as if Hans Gruber or some other villain flushed them down the cave - they fell in, unaware or simply incompetent hikers (Ed: they were just getting out of the rain). If the Nicklaus/Palmer conference traps themselves in a cave or mountaintop or room of sin, I'm not praying for their rescue. Especially if their dues are paid. $465 for the year. Balances available upon request.

Footnote:
*Sargasm - refers to the rolling waves of euphoria that overcomes a reader of a well-crafted golf league newsletter. Elusive, once considered mythical, it is often followed by feelings of exhaustion and guilt but inevitably by a quest for multiple sargasms. (Can you tell I've discovered the Italics button? Pretty cool, huh?)

7/5/2018

In direct defiance of United States President Donald Trump's orders to slap tariffs against all Canadian goods, the RKGL Board of Directors is refusing to penalize our good Canadian Rick Wesche. Less than a year ago, a traveling entourage of Kramdenites joined a pack of Canadians during an impromptu singing of their national anthem at Treetops in Gaylord. The fact is we like our neighbors, their beer, their ballet parlors, their plastic bags of milk, Hockey Night in Canada, and it's native son Rick. To keep Trump happy, perhaps we'll just tinker with his handicap. Loyal Republican Lynch again passed out during vote.

Whether voluntary or with some compensation, with varying levels of success, and excluding the pedophile division, many league members have some experience coaching youngsters. It seems to me that after getting your team trapped inside an elaborate series of caves, you should be disqualified from any future coaching gigs. A real deal breaker for parents, I would think.

Do any of you wonder how often a Tiger coach has had to wake Victor Martinez from the Big Chair in the clubhouse when he's at bat ? Never in my playing or coaching days did we ever say, "I'm glad he's batting clean-up today, he was real good 10 years ago."

I really enjoyed the Senior U.S. Open golf last weekend and Fox's coverage. First of all, Holly had a retro makeover going back to her athletic hotness as opposed to her 'hooker at closing time' recent look. There was no marble-mouthed random Australian bum announcer, and limited commercial interruptions. And I don't need a different guy on each hole, especially when so many of them have nothing to offer. It was Paul Azinger, Curtis Strange, and Joe Buck, who is growing on me. Check him out on Brockmire playing Joe Buck . Hilarious.

Amazingly in 2017, no eagles were recorded in the league but this season, after T & T offered a $50 bounty for each one, we now have three. Following their example of rewarding exceptional achievements, the Board has decided to award ten bonus points to each of the first three eagle makers to use in their respective divisional races. Jeff Pendrick, Terry Smith, etc., etc. Once again, Board member Lynch was sleeping one off and missed the vote, and nothing can be done about it now.

Terry Celano stopped Rusty's comeback last week, 7.5 to 2.5, but the Player race is tight between Mike Danlovich, Brett Zoroya and John Porth. KC's lead in the Palmer may be in jeopardy, as he goes on the DL with a bad back. Hopefully he'll be back next week. Almost anyone can still win the Nicklaus (except maybe Nicklaus himself), while Jack Reseigh can pretty much sew up the Watson with a productive 2 matches tonight.

The month of July is here, so its once again time to save those deposits as the final installments come due. We'd prefer to have all make-ups done before the last 2 weeks in August, and a few spots remain for the early 2:30 matches. I still have some Salem Hills League member cards for some of you trunk slammers who hit the road after golf to your parties and casinos. Good for a free draft or fountain drink. And I'll be asking again about absences as we near the finish line and try to achieve our scheduling goals. Thank you all.

6/30/2018

Gentlemen,
Upon completion of play tonight, the up-to-date league member will have played 11 matches. Some of you are ahead of schedule while others have some work to do especially if you plan on missing future matches. The early 2:30 tee times are an ideal way to make-up matches, Dan Cotter is looking for an early opponent next week, July 6, so those who are available to play then, let me know tonight...

Tonight the RKGL heartily welcomes back a previous Champion, Keith Barnes. I believe the actual year was 1994. Keith has been mostly living and nearly dying in Colorado after a recent heart attack scare so no sudden movements or loud noises around him. A good guy, Keith is always welcome to join in, and we hope to see him again in the future.

Returning from the disabled list, Mark Szerlag, who was mysteriously injured during a real estate scuffle. Nothing can be proven so we are advised to simply drop the matter and enjoy his company. Perhaps no one has missed him more than his understudy, John Porth, last week a victim of Rookie on Rookie crime from Shaun Walla.

Shaun was 5 and half strokes under his average shooting 46 leaving John wobbly and disoriented, or maybe that was the Two-Hearted Ale. Porth was ever the good-hearted sportsman, remaining of good spirits following the beat-down while Shaun is signaling his arrival as a true golfer. His secret? Practice. Ah, to be young again. According to the by-laws of The Constitution, working on your game is still legal. Nice job Shaun. Well done John.

Speaking of "taking it like a man", Smitty would like it known that since his arrival some five years ago, he has not ventured out of the cellar, offering himself as a consistent point buffet to all. As they say in the gay porn world, he is "a solid bottom," upon which we have built this league. Congrats & thank you Mr. Smith. Play yourself a recorded golf-clap on your audio device...

The other Mr. Smith, Terry, the Eagle-Man followed his eagle-making round by getting thrashed by Rusty Lynch 8.5 to 1.5. "You can't make this stuff up," as Jim Price would say, "It doesn't make any sense." But League insiders knew Lynch had the grad party thrown by former Kramdenite, Kent Durfanny to get to and nothing can stop the Wisteria Lane resident Rusty from a good Livonia bash. 2 wins in a row for Mr. Congeniality. Look out Players...

Big props to the Outlaw Country Music Festival at Pine Knob. No one more beloved by me than the Stones (and Audioband, of course, CJs band) than Willie Nelson who was joined by the Old Crow Medicine Show, the Head and the Heart and Nathaniel Rattlief and the Night Sweats. All well worth a long listen. It used to be that you hoped the concert would be as good as the record (or 8 track) but now concerts have way surpassed the studio versions. Get out of the house men, that's my new motto. At least til Game of Thrones returns...

Oh, and Gary Novak is here Friday. Just listen and you'll hear him...

6/20/2018

"We are not going to tolerate anybody attempting a Phony Phil move. You do that and you'll lose that hole and totals automatically." R.Lynch, Goon Squad

So it is written, so shall it be. I've seen Rusty chase a number of putts to the hole but he rarely catches up to them, many times they've fallen in. His point is valid though, if you're unaware of this incident, ask around and DON'T DO IT.

Terry Smith made his annual EAGLE last week, this year on number 4 after making number 18 his bitch last season. For an eyewitness account, I asked his opponent Smitty for the details. " He knocked in his third shot." Of course he did, anyone who eagles a par 5 knocks in his third shot. "I'm busy with me", the Little Clown revealed. The Skinny Clown, the 2014 League Champ, was more alert, calling it 90 yards or so from the fairway. Terry was even par after 6 holes before finishing with a 40. Best to worse, no Kramdenite has greater range than Mr. Smith, with scores from 40 to 56. His game is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Congrats, T...

We came up a little short revenue-wise last week, which is my fault for a pre-mature exit, so please take the time to stop by the table and contribute to the weekly games we all enjoy. The "handi-skins" was tabulated today and I have money for Tim Martin and Mike Danlovich. A revised stat sheet will be sent also.

There is a 2:30 tee time for Friday, but no takers so far. Let me know if there is interest. The Board conducted a study Friday determining the relative difficulty of the holes, specifically, how many over par did the league play each hole from their corresponding tee boxes. As you can imagine from the carnage at #3, it was the toughest.

#1 +36, #2 +33, #3 +47, #4 +12, #5 +23, #6 +38, #7 +41, #8 +27, #9 +30

Compared to par, the course handicap rating is actually pretty accurate. The par 3s are demanding, especially without the Gold box. The course ratings: Hole #1= 4, #2= 8, #3= 2, #4= 6, #5= 5, #6= 3, #7= 1, #8= 9, #9= 7

Finally. It took 2 Friday matches to get it done, but Rusty Lynch got his first W of the season when Martin let him off the hook. A great number of years ago, before the cart girl was born, Rusty was League Champion. It can happen to anybody, but one of the Cotters should reach the Final 4 this season as should Jack Reseigh. John Porth is looking less like a mortal lock than he has, with challenges emerging from Mr. Zoroya and Mr. M.Dan. Good luck to all...

Mark Szerlag reports improvement, but says all he's good for now is a decent Bob Dole imitation. The dead arm, not the erectile dysfunction. Perhaps next week? Bob Grimm, a broken finger? Rumor has it. Let me know.

With those summer nights heating up, it might be time to review our sweet talk, so let's look at how it's been done historically:

William Shakespeare, 1500's, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."

Barry White, 1970's, "I don't want to see no panties, and take off that brassiere my dear, I want you the way you came into this world."

Tiger Woods, August 29, 2009, to porn star Joslyn James, "Hold you down while I choke you and Fuck that ass that I own...Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while I slap your face and pull your hair for making noise...I want you to beg for my ... etc. etc." Tiger Woods, by Jeff Benedict and Armen Keteyian

Personally, something between Shakespeare and Barry White seems correct, but I know how wild Livonia can be. Have a good night.

6/15/2018

Gentlemen,
Some of us have reached the half way point of the season, some are a little ahead, some are little behinds. 15 of the 28 make-up rounds have been played, with the rest to be played by mid-July. Any Player or Watson man who hasn't had the pleasure of a match with Ken Anderson can do so today at 2:30. As a bonus, they can enjoy the sight of Kevin Cotter throttling the Commish. Some of whom can't play that early (today, or within the next month) let me know so we can schedule a double...

NEWS & NOTES : A bicep tendon injury to Mark Szerlag has sidelined our friend for an undetermined length of time. We hope he returns soon but these things happen in the rough and tumble real estate racket... Jeff Balaka reminded me of his absence tonight after the original publishing of the newsletter prompting scheduling revisions. See the tee times section for details.

Only 24 tonight, but the sub fund has reached $180. Rather than use the fund to supplement the Raccoon Classic, the Board has decided to make a donation to The Human Fund, which thanks you all for your generosity...

At the US Open yesterday, 193 double bogeys or worse. A typical Friday around here...

Mark Zalewski shot a 38 last week but saw his index increase because his fine 35 shot 21 rounds ago expired. Soon his back-to-back 35/34 will expire. Good-bye 69, something we can all relate to...

Shouldn't there be a 24 hour cable station devoted to females working a stair-climber or Pelaton? Am I the only viewer? Well, besides Mike Danlovich of course...

If you like hard-boiled eggs but hate the messy clean-up, try Egglettes. Great product...

As predicted, Jack Reseigh and John Porth are dominating their divisions and appear destined for a showdown.

Dan Cotter remains unbeaten in the Nicklaus, with his only loss coming from the rapidly fading Commish, a non-factor in the Palmer where a lively battle is underway between KC, 2 of our 3 Wallas, and the one-armed Szerlag, a.k.a. Lefty...

Holly Sonders

seems to have morphed from athletically hot to dirty hot and probably yearning for more air-time... Any details on Lindsey Buckingham getting fired from Fleetwood Mac. I want to know... Good luck to all tonight...

6/1/2018

Gentlemen,
Partly cloudy today but lets give it a shot. Czar of Playing Conditions Rusty Lynch declares that we are Playing the BALL DOWN. The Bunker rule remains in effect. Also, grass clippings can be treated as loose impediments which means you can remove them before your shot. Know your division and know your tee box as we begin our journey of playing the entire course, teeing off from different locations. See previous update. Welcome to subs Bryan Zaydel, Gary Novak and Bill Naubert making their 2018 debuts and welcome back to Bob Grimm for another week of golfing excellence.

Speaking of excellence, a look back at last week... Rick Wesche took a total of 18 pts. against the three-headed Zalewski-Danlovich-Pendrick monster. That's a good night. Pendrick needed an even par 36 in the evening to gain a tie with Jeff Balaka who almost put together the perfect round of golf with a front nine 37 disemboweling our defending Champ Randy Walla. Standing on the 18th tee box, armed with four handicap strokes he was 2 up on our 2016 League Champ Pendrick in The Battle of the Jeffs and three over on the back.

That's when "the little voice" appeared. "Play it safe here." "You don't need another 300 yard drive down the middle." "Be conservative, that's the move."

The rest is predictable, if you haven't heard. Iron pulled left. Tree. Tree. Dub. Approach. Chip. Many putts. NINE. 43. Match pushed, 5-5. The Great Balaka transformed into Jeff Van de Velde. As the great Danish Ryder Cupper Hamlet used to say, "To thine own self, be true." A conservative Balaka? Preposterous.

Still, he shot 80 for the day, 15 shots behind Smitty but very nice. Take the day off.

Congrats to Brett Zoroya, who has completed his Kramden apprenticeship and now has an official 20 rounds under his belt, and good-bye 34 as Dan Cotter's best round of 2017 drops off his index, having been shot 21 rounds ago.

Don't chase, replace. Those of you looking to make-up your rain-out early, let's talk.

5/24/2018

Gentlemen,
Once again the league will be using split tees and staggered times, but this time it for the purpose of making-up missed matches.
Playing for 30 points today : Zalewski, Wesche, RWalla, JoshB, Pendrick
The Board frowns upon more than one doubleheader per day. In the future, all are encouraged to attempt an early tee-time to make-up our rain-out but if you can't or won't let me know and we'll do it the old fashioned way. The rounds are paid for and should be played. No word yet from the Dans on whether these rounds will count for The yearly Game. Next week June arrives and if the course is deemed worthy by the Czar of Playing Conditions, Mr. Lynch, we will be playing it down. Stay tuned.

Did you know... The woman, Megan Markle, who married "Prince Harry" last weekend used to tote a briefcase on "Deal or No Deal".

Did you know... Following his shitty third round at The Players Championship, former US Open Champion Lucas Glover got his ass beat by his wife who also choked Glovers' mother and was eventually arrested by Sawgrass police. Now I know why Smitty never brings his scorecard home. Wow!

Randy Walla and Mark Zalewski were in Vegas last Friday, rooting for their hockey team and keeping their wives out of trouble. Dan Danlovich and Rick Wesche were in Toronto teaching old Canadians how hockey is played and Kevin Cotter returns tonight after running with the bulls in Spain. To commerate this event, after a twenty yard head start, we will chase KC down the 18th fairway in our golf carts. No way any harm can come from this. Two of the bulls are now hanging in his Livonia garage. Welcome back all.

Making their returns next week, subs Bryan Zaydel and Bill Naubert. No way any harm can come from this.

5/22/2018

Good morning,
Action required... if you can be available this Friday for an early 9 hole make-up session let me know, as I am contacting Salem around 9. Naysayers need not reply. This session would be for the week some were unable to finish due to rain. Brett and John, I don't need you either. We're attempting to get this done before August so opportunities remain. Rick Wesche is ready and I probably am in as well. I believe that, one or two foursomes at a time, we can get this done. If not now, when?

5/17/2018

Rainout on 5/11... see the tee times for this week's matches.

5/8/2018

NEWS & NOTES:
Doubleheaders Friday for 7 of the 9 missing May 18. Subs for next week include Young Mike Curmi, Old Bryan Zaydel and rookie Bob Grimm. Welcome to Bob tonight and returning veteran Gary Novak...
... Corrections from the stat sheet include Josh Benko's record which is 2-0-1 not 1-1-1. Josh very proud of that. And Rick Wesche's "handi-Skin" was a 4/3 on # 11 not a 3/2. Either way, he keeps the cash...
...Knowing how many of you are retired or still active hockey players, the Board has outlawed the practice of licking your opponents' face like Brad Marchand of the Boston Bruins has popularized. The Board cites the precedent in the Tim Martin case where prostate exams were provided behind the cart barn after golf. While the "patients" did enjoy the free fish dinner and pitcher of beer afterward and the cancer rates did plummet, the weekly exams were deemed excessive and somewhat unsanitary...
...Mired in 7th place and missing next week, League Puppetmaster Rusty Lynch requested the Clown Posse (renamed Points Buffet & Slump Buster) for some quick points. We reminded him, nothing quick about the Posse. Old Pro and 2-time Champ Kevin Irrer leads the Player with Mike Danlovich and The New Kid in Town John Porth in hot pursuit...

Jack Reseigh is so confident of his Watson chances that he's taking the next two weeks off for such important matters as drinkin', gamblin', and sunning himself. He's got his priorities, and hopefully, a large supply of sunscreen...
Top Gun Mark Zalewski is itchin to qualify for the big money Tournament of Champions but first he needs a division win and the Nicklaus will be a real battle especially when Danlovich & Pendrick quit sand-bagging...
With all that chaos going on, Kevin Cotter is shopping for matching slacks for his inevitable plaid sport jacket...
Speaking of sand-bagging, I escaped two bunkers last week with my putter. Keep your options open gentlemen and we'll see you Friday.

Commish

5/3/2018

Please take the time following your rounds to consult with your foursome and get the scores/points synchronized. If there are questions, come to me. There were 3 matches whose scores have been changed from the results previously printed:
1. Giving Martin half a stroke in their match, Johnny Kisic gave the half/stroke to himself (a nightly occurrence). Rather than 5.5 JK 4.5 Tim, corrected score 5-5. Johnny's defense: "You knew I was a clown when you handed me the scorecard to keep." Point taken.
2. Scorecard read Porth 6.5, Jack 3.5 but it was flipped, Jack won by that score. Scorekeeper Rusty Lynch said in his defense, "You knew I was a drunk when you handed me the scorecard to keep." Point taken.
3. Mike Danlovich won his match vs. Rookie Shaun Walla 7/3 but card read 6/4. I'll go over scorekeeping with Mike. 2 rookies and a clown involved in scoring errors, no big deal, adjustments have been made to standings.

Note to "big hitters" or you crooked ones: when in doubt of your Tee ball destination, hit a provisional off the tee before searching for original. And let's everyone pay attention to your companions golf shot to help speed up play. Also, if the other cart in your group has pulled away, you don't have the time to re-arrange your beers or twist a fatty, especially if you are the next to play. Get your ass in the cart and get going. Put the club away later. Bozo, Oopsy, this means you. But not only you. Move, move, move...

Thanks to Terry Celano for his generous contributions to the enjoyment of Opening Day as well as his partner in crime, Tim Martin. Their offer of $50 per eagle will be paid at the Raccoon Classic but they're feeling pretty cocky based on Sunday's performances. Thanks to Dan Cotter for his help in collecting the skin money and to Kevin Irrer and his crew for their help determining the Skin winners.

The Dan's will be collecting $20 for their Yearly Skin Game tonight. See them.

4/28/2018, Part 2

Citizens,
I gave them 48 hours to come to their senses but they seem to have lost all confidence in you guys as golfers. Beginning Sunday, any and all eagles will be rewarded with $50 in cash from our soon to be broke benefactors Tim Martin and Terry Celano. They ask only one thing: No conceding of shots still in the fairway or eagle putts not stroked. Fair and square okay? Also, all holes in one count as eagles. T and T made this offer AFTER I announced the Kramden conference would have a White & Green day and still ... We can only say thank you for your generosity and for making everyone go for the par 5's in two.

Also the comment about a good day on the course for Nortonians determined by 'not falling out of the golf cart', the Board is trying to provoke thoughts and discussion about playing a variety of tee boxes or sticking with the old White & Gold through eternity. Most are just happy to be here and I can dig that. If that changes, let me know.

Peace, Love & Happiness,
Commish

4/28/2018

'Twas the night before Kramden
Beware Hills of Salem
Soon we arrive
Bringing our mayhem

THE CONSTITUTION : We, the people, in order to form a more perfect blend of sport and camaraderie, do hereby ordain and establish The Ralph Kramden Golf League. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men shall arrive promptly, golf briskly, tip the waitresses generously and enjoy themselves immensely.
RKGL 1992

AMENDMENT ONE: " Ask not what your golf league can do for you, ask what you can do for your golf league."

Throughout our history, no two men have more solidly embraced this principle than our friends, Tim Martin and Terry Celano. Tim Martin is the long-time host of the Columbus Day VD Open and the man who popularized the popping of Viagra to pump up for golf. Informed of the pills' more common use, he couldn't believe you guys needed help for that. Former League Champion Terry Celano is the 2017 author of "One Leg and a Cup", the story of how metro Detroit homeless people got there. Currently he is chronicling our 2018 golf season, "The Rusty Lynch Story, Three Inches and a Dream." Together, our benefactoring buddies have traditionally sponsored the Closest-to-the-Pin Contests for our Sunday events which in fact, they are doing again Sunday. $25 per. Thank you gentlemen. Eligibility for the TEC TOC, just like the Champions' Dinner at Augusta, is a perk for previous past performance. If you have won either the league or even a division, you are eligible to win half of your yearly league dues. The eligible Kramdenite with the lowest actual score Sunday and the eligible Kramdenite with the lowest adjusted score ( with handicap ) each win $230 with the league netting a nifty $5 handling fee. No man can win both. The first determining factor is the low actual. This is called the Commish Caveat cuz I used to be good and historically won everything.***    Thank you Terry.

Sunday entrance fee: $10 ($150 Skin$, $150 Handicap)
Dues: $465. Installment plans accepted. Cash or checks to Joe Ranusch. Also, PayPal, to Joe Ranusch. Payment received CJ, Thank you sir.
Winter rules: Lift, clean and place thru the green or Lift, clean, rake and place if needed in the sand. If behind a tree, haha, plan B. When conditions warrant, "summer rules", some are rules, some aren't. Will discuss.
Kramden conference: Green & White (par 3's white, others green)
Norton conference: White & Gold (par 3's gold, others white)

When you check in with your $10, check your TEC TOC eligibility. When you finish, please turn in card promptly and assist with the score-keeping chores. Historically, Mr. Irrer is the Chairman of the Scoring Committee but we're never sure of his medication level so all help is helpful. Thank you for your co-operation. Thank you Kevin.

As for the Yearly Skin$ Game, see the Dans. Thank you both.

Welcome rookies, Shaun Walla and John Porth. (Poor bastards). Our league is filled with great guys who are loads of fun (backstabbers & thieves). It is named for an old TV character who loved the game (a chain-smoking drunk). The Kramden Commish is an innovative genius (socialist buffoon) who is gifted with a fine number of brilliant lieutenants and ambassadors (potential assassins). "A fine kettle of fish," my Grandpa used to say. I'm sure you'll fit right in. Enjoy.

***10% over/under number of Kramdenites puzzling "Caveat"

4/27/2018

Glenn Jackson, 1961-2018

The scene at the funeral home was a familiar one with family and friends speaking in hushed tones grieving over a life ending too soon, too suddenly. Glenn was our friend, a Kramden man, a Navy man, a brother, a hockey guy, father, grandfather and husband. When a picture doesn't make sense, its often because some pieces of the puzzle are missing. We'll never know, never understand.

One thing I do know from my experience is that whenever I have reached out my hand in need there has always been a helping hand of a friend there to assist. Often, one of you guys, and I thank you.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. A great lesson for us all.

There were many helping hands at that funeral home wishing they could have helped if only they were asked. Help exists. Your friends are here.

4/14/2018

The official RKGL tee time has been moved from 5:30 to 4:56, beginning Friday, May 4. We hope this will eliminate the recent split-tee procedure. Those of us with complications arising from employment and cross-town traffic will be accommodated per usual. Our final times should be in the 5:44, 5:52 area.

I know that Rick Wesche and Dan Cotter have a long drives from work; that postmen like Jamie Benko often have issues getting here; that this will cut into the "Happy Hours" of Mr. Lynch and Mike Danlovich. The Board is negotiating with the Lakepointe Yacht Club for earlier specials and shift changes.

WE are also looking at weekly "Handicapped Skins Game" which will be included in your $10 entry fee. Approximately $7 would go toward the Skin$ and Handi-Skin$, and $2 toward the closest-to-the-pin contests. The lowest under average score would earn around $25. This is all open to suggestions and thoughts, but the Board believes it to be right and proper. Do not assume the Handi-Skin$ to be paid the night of play. The waitresses do appreciate those who only stay when they have a chance to win something though.

This update was to be about the schedule, which will be thrown off course somewhat by 8 known absentees our third Friday, May 18. This results in the juggling/hocus-pocus that puzzles some, but as always, our advice is to "Show up, Play & Enjoy." For the rookies among you, it is League policy to make-up matches by playing 2 opponents at the same time. Hopefully, we can still achieve our overall scheduling goals.

Overall Scheduling goals: Kramden conference (Nicklaus & Palmer) = Twice play own Div., once play other. Norton Conference (Player & Watson) = Once everybody. Position rounds when and if needed. Cross-Conferencing if needed. We begin play under Winter Rules.

Again, let me know about future absentee issues ASAP. Our next update will discuss tee boxes, pace of play and look at the early season schedule. Many of you know we have waited a few years for a "UNITED" Friday night. Our negotiations/pestering have finally paid off. Happy Day, Happy Day...

4/8/2018

Kramden Golf Season #27

Gentlemen,
Our beloved golf league begins play Sunday, April 29, noonish. During our history we have had as few as 16 members, and as many as 32. This is our third consecutive season with 28 players, and we are returning to the 6 6 8 8 division format used in 2016 which eases scheduling issues for the Board of Directors, which we will detail in future newsletters. But first...

Congratulations once again to our 2017 League Champion Randy Walla who returns to defend his title with a newly repaired rotator cuff, injured from too much patting himself on the back. Also, heartiest welcomes to rookies Shaun Walla and John Porth. Be careful what you wish for...

And, in the same way Elizabeth Taylor always went back to Richard Burton or Jennifer ends up with Brad, Kevin Cotter has returned, but its more like a recurring cold sore. Perhaps we can get a league sponsorship from Blistex. Welcome home.

Dues: $465. Bring what you can Opening Day, with checks made out to Joe Ranusch. Cash is appreciated by both the course and my accountant. The cost of golf has increased this year one dollar per round for the first time since we've been at Salem Hills. As always, there is a $10 entry which goes toward Skin$ (actual & handicapped) and Closest-to-the Pin.

The Handicapping Committee has determined that the difference in difficulty between the tee boxes used by our neighboring conferences to be 2 to 2.5 strokes per 9 on the average. These computations were used to help determine division members and should the need arise for "Cross-Conferencing', an appropriate handicap will be calculated with the players teeing off the same box on each hole.

This situation could arise when absences, occur so please keep me posted as soon as you know when you might miss. Thanks.

The Ralph Kramden Conference : Jack Nicklaus & Arnold Palmer divisions

JACK NICKLAUS	HDCP	ARNOLD PALMER	HDCP
Mark Zalewski	1.5	Kevin Cotter	4.5
Jeff Pendrick	2	Joe Ranusch	4.7
Rick Wesche	2.2	Jimmy Walla	6
Josh Benko	2.9	Jeff Balaka	7
Dan Cotter	4	Randy Walla	6.5
Dan Danlovich	4.5	Mark Szerlag	8

Opening Day groupings ( not times or order of play, TBD ):
Zalewski - JR, Pendrick - KC, Back Zalewski - KC, Pendrick - JR
Wesche - Balaka, Josh Benko - J.Walla / Wesche - JW, JoshB - Balaka
DC - Szerlag, DD - R.Walla / DC - R.Walla, DD - Szerlag

2018 : Nicklaus vs. Palmer once. 2 matches division play. 1 Position round.


The Ed Norton Conference : Gary Player & Tom Watson divisions

GARY PLAYER	HDCP	TOM WATSON	HDCP
Rusty Lynch	6.5	Ken Anderson	9
John Porth	8	Jack Reseigh	12
Mike Danlovich	7	Shaun Walla	12
Brett Zoroya	7	Jamie Benko	12
Terry Smith	6.5	John Kisic	12.5
Chris Johnson	7.5	Tim Martin	13
Terry Celano	8	Dave Kisic	15.5
Kevin Irrer	8.5	Chris Smith	19

Opening Day groupings ( not times or order of play. TBD ):
Lynch-Reseigh, Porth-Anderson / Lynch-Anderson, Porth-Reseigh
MDan-Jamie Benko, Zoroya-Shaun Walla / MDan-S.Walla, Zoroya-JB
Smith-Irrer, CJ-Celano / Smith-Celano, CJ- Irrer
J.Kisic - D.Kisic, Martin - Smitty / J.Kisic - Martin, D.Kisic - Smitty

2018 : Player v. Watson once. One match per each division member. 1 pos. rd.

Long-time Kramdenites will note that 20 years ago a much smaller Patrick Reed defeated Big Bob Johnson to capture our coveted League Championship. Whoever you root for today, enjoy today's coverage of The Masters.

3/20/2018

Greetings men of Kramden,

It is with great fanfare and pleasure that tonight, the first evening of spring, the Ralph Kramden Board of Directors announce the official roster for the 2018 season.

First though we bid farewell, at least temporarily, to Bryan Zaydel, Mike Curmi, and Brian Duffany, who will be assuming new and important roles as guest-starring substitutes, gracing the league with their appearances as needed.

If one Walla is good, why not two, hell, let's get three. So we did. Defending champion Randy, joined last season by his nephew Jimmy, is now joined by Jimmy's brother Shaun Walla, who subbed for us during the 2017 season. Welcome aboard Shaun. A WallaWorld division remains a strong possibility for 2018.

Another free agent, just signed today, John Porth is a real estate scoundrel, er, associate of Mark Szerlag. A fine golfer and better fellow, those who have had the pleasure of playing with John unanimously would agree that he owns his own clubs.

Finally, our Prodigal Golfer returns. Kevin Cotter is back. He has cleared enough of his schedule to rejoin us, and we are most happy.

Our divisions will be determined and appropriately announced Masters Sunday, April 8. League play begins Sunday April 29, noonish with 18 holes (2 matches of 9 holes each vs. different opponents). The Board has heard some of your requests regarding a schedule with more variety, playing different guys once rather than your division mates twice, and the Board is pondering.

The Board has learned that the cost of golf will increase $1 per round, which will cost the League some $450 in prize money. Should we increase the dues from $450 per to $465 per to balance the increase, or just go without? The Board is pondering.

The Board enjoys hearing your opinion on these and other matters as the Board likes to create the appearance of a democracy. Mostly though, the Board, like you, can't wait.

3/10/2018

The 2018 Season:
The league begins the last Sunday in April, the 29th, and concludes Sunday, August 19. There are no breaks in the schedule.

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9/4/2017

VD Open
Monday, October 9 - SALEM HILLS
Columbus Day, or for those from Los Angeles, Indigenous Peoples Day
2 Person Scramble
Check-In: 8:30am. Shotgun Start: 9:00am
Cost: $27, plus skins (optional) Best guess: $40 ish

Due to conflicts with work, previous chairmen Gary Novak and Terry Smith have stepped aside this year and a search began for a new chairman. When you think of VD, only one person comes to mind, not including Little Suzy Rottencrotch. Stepping back into his old role, Sergeant Syphilis, the Godfather of Gonorrhea, King of the Crabs, Tim Martin. Meet the new boss, Same as the old boss.

So far, the team of Smitty and John Kisic are the only team officially registered and are therefore, heavily favored. You may:
- Find your own partner
- Create your own foursome, or
- Sign-up as a single and let the chairman play matchmaker.

You can sign-up at this page or at Tim's e/mail : tamartin3921@aol.com

Tee boxes may vary depending upon age, strength of game, or amount of bribe.

History: Back in the 70's when the gals all sported healthy divots, a postman named Vic DiOrco (spelling bad, sorry) held a Columbus Day tournament for postmen, primarily who had the day off from work. Dramatically, he suffered a fatal heart getting into his golf cart at Fox Hills telling the fellas, "Go ahead and finish without me." So we did. The following year, Tim Martin took the lead continuing at Fox Hills until the Kramden league began in '92 when the VD, as it came to be known in honor of its founder, moved to Brae Burn. And now at stately Salem Hills, it continues. Traditionally, Chairman Martin provides door prizes and gifts for the field which, I believe, we should try to reimburse him for, thus the fluctuating entrance fee. Hope you can make the day, and respond ASAP so we can alert Salem and pair up the stragglers.

Thank You and Be well,
Joe

8/20/2017

The 2017 Championship Match: Walla vs. Zaydel, All Square The tee box situation: Walla is Green, with white 3s. Zaydel is White, with gold tees for 3s. Similarly, the Nicklaus & Palmer will play like Randy; the Player & Watson will play like Bryan.

The Butterfly effect: The excitement you feel heading into an event of importance, the jitters. It's terrific. Maybe it caused some of our semi-finalists their worst score in memory. 53 for Irrer, 49 for Zaydel, a 41 for Pendrick? Walla shot 44. That's about it. Taking it to the limit, as the Eagles would say. The difference in handicap between our 2 finalists, Randy and Bryan, is three-tenths of a stroke, technically even. Two 9 hole, ten point matches for the Championship, with an extra point up for grabs for totals. Conceded putts may be a rare thing. Upon completion of our team matches, we will gather our carts and watch our two good friends and two good men compete for the cherished crown. A worthy champ will be named, but there are no losers today.

History notes that the fraternal lodge of our namesake held a yearly two-man golf tournament fostering good fellowship and the downing of numerous beverages of the adult variety. Whereas, the beverage downing is optional, the good fellowship is mandatory. The namesake: Ralph Kramden. The fraternal lodge: The Loyal Order of Raccoons. The tournament: The RACCOON CLASSIC.

Yesterday, the pairings and tee times were announced, see part one. As Rusty and I are keeping different hours, the exact prize fund allocation will be determined at the course Sunday morning. This much is known: Due to the cancellation of one week's play, today's jackpot, like Friday nights, will be the largest in league history and should not be expected to be duplicated in future years. The team pot will be, or exceed, $500. The Skin$ pot will meet or exceed $500. The Closest to the pins pot will meet or exceed $120.

BUDGET REPORT 2017
Income = Dues + sub fees = $450 x 28 = $12,600 + 330 = $12,930

Expenses:
10,500 Golf.
1,240 Division cash = $310 x 4 divisions
410 3 Man Shambles
210 Trophies
120 Opening Day supplementation of U/A and Hdcp. Skin$ game. Room of Sin = Priceless
12, 480 Total
Balance : $ 450 + $280 entrance fee of $10 x 28 players
Estimated Raccoon Classic pot = $ 730

Golf: Fridays = 14 weeks x 28 guys x $21 = 8,820
Sundays = 2 days x 28 guys x $31 + extra OD foursome = $ 1680
17 days of RKGL = 8820 + 1680 = $ 10,500

It should be noted with tremendous gratitude that Salem Hills gives us one free week of golf per season, 28 free rounds to be more precise, which our legal team, Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, negotiated into using for seasonal league play rather than loosey goosey funsy golf in the fall. There is no guarantee they will continue with this policy but it is another reason our prize fund is so large and we will enjoy it while we can. Speaking of which:
" Nothing will fuck you harder than time." Ser Davos, Game of Thrones
Today will be my last Raccoon Classic as a golfer in my 50's, but for some of you, today will be your final round as a full-fledged man of Kramden. Inevitably, people move on to other things but always know that your friendship and fellowship have been greatly appreciated throughout your careers by me and all of your fellow league members. Brothers forever. Best of luck to whoever you may be, and I hope I am talking to no one, but be sure to come back to visit. Sub fees remain modestly priced at $15.

AVERAGES : 2005 vs. 2017
Balaka 43.3 - 43
Curmi 43.6 - 42.4
Irrer 44.3 - 44.5
Anderson 42.1 - 45
Celano 41.3 - 44
Martin 44 - 49
Smith 42.7 - 42.5
Benko 49.9 - 48
Reseigh 47.7 - 48
D, Kisic 50.9 - 51.7
Commish 39.1 - 40.9 (donuts)
Lynch 40.5 - 44.8 (whiskey)
Ron Boal 36.6 # 1 Emeritus

The Roundtable Discussion: Many of the Golden Boys noted the fun they had playing the senior tees during the Shambles, mentioning specifically the thrill of having a birdie putt for a change rather than scrambling for bogeys and such. As you know I'm a big proponent of "Playing It Forward" as Jack Nicklaus and the USGA call it as a way to keep the veteran golfers in the game. I would propose a 25% reduction in handicap as a start to our experiment and then seeing how it feels. I also feel that the White boxes are the correct tee markers for many of the men playing primarily Green this season. I like the moving up on par 3 tee shots we've been using but I also like playing it back and mixing it up. If only I had some influence with the Commish. Your opinions are always welcome keeping in mind that this isn't a dick-measuring contest but a method of creating a fair and competitive playing field for all of our good friends and golf buddies.

The KRAMMYS : This season I realized that keeping track of the yearly Skin$ game was more than I could handle and the Dans, Cotter and Danlovich, took the initiative and ran the Game for the good of the league. " Ask not what your golf league can do for you, Ask what you can do for your Golf League." For their service, the newly created KRAMMY award is presented. Especially grateful are Terry Smith who bagged 2 skins$ worth $110 each for his Eagle on #18 and his last chance birdie on # 7, deflowering our last virgin; Jeff Pendrick, our worthy 2016 champion who successfully defended the treacherous Nicklaus title and otherwise did nothing scandalous during his reign, won a Skin for the sole birdie on # 5 and the broken-down stumble-fuck Commissioner lucked into one also on lucky # 13. Thank you Dan and Thank you Dan. Also receiving a KRAMMY, which is similar to what Zaydel did to him in their semi-final match Friday, is Kevin Irrer who has excelled as a stat man and data compiler whose assistance is invaluable to me as the Postal Service leaves me more incompetent than usual on Friday evenings. Thank you also to Puppetmaster Lynch, no KRAMMY for you. Nor is there one for Ambassador Randy Walla, our Master Sub Gatherer. Alas, there is no cash involved in a KRAMMY. You guys will have to earn that as you always do, on the golf course. The VD Open is Columbus Day, October 10th I Think, Here at Salem. Hope to see you all there and back again next year for year 27. Thanks again. Enjoy today. Best of luck to you all.

8/19/2017

We, the people, in order to form a more perfect blend of sport and camaraderie, do hereby ordain and establish the Ralph Kramden Golf League. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men shall arrive promptly, golf briskly, tip the waitresses generously and enjoy themselves immensely.
   THE RKGL Constitution, 1992

There were no divisions, no playoffs, no Classic. There were twenty guys. We played, it got cold. Bryan Zaydel had the most points. Bryan Zaydel was the first league champion. Following the example of George Washington, he gracefully relinquished his title. Twenty-five years later, Zaydel has advanced to the Championship match after edging Kevin Irrer, 6.5 to 3.5, in one of Friday's Final Four matches.

Awaiting him on the first tee Sunday will be Randy Walla, the class of the Arnold Palmer division who nipped our defending Champ Jeff Pendrick in the other Final Four match, 6 to 4. Handicap-wise, this will be our closest match in history. At this time, 6:21 am, I haven't re-calculated their indexes but it's tight. Just the way we like it...

The Three-Man Shambles was won by the Rick Wesche, Brett Zoroya and Jack Reseigh squad with a score of 32, four under par, one shot better than 2 teams shooting 3 under. For complete Shambles coverage, tune in tonight for part 2...

To quickly re-cap the Raccoon format : 13 two-man teams
- Holes 1 thru 6, Better-ball with handicap. Each man plays his ball until completion. The team score is the better net score. Scorecards will be provided.
- Holes 7 thru 12. Alternate shot. The team strategically determines which player tees off on the even holes. The other guy tees off on the odd holes. One ball is used until completion. On the green you may putt with your own ball, but from tee to green, to prevent whatever treachery may occur, the balls are played down and not switched. Veteran Kramdenites consider this segment the toughest.
- Holes 13 to 18. Two-man scramble. Just like Friday's 3-Man scramble, but with fewer people. No minimum requirements. Ties will result in sharing of combined prize money, and co or tri-champions declared. Only the Championship Match may go into overtime. The Championship Match is basically two ten-point nine hole matches, as we play every Friday, with an extra point available for totals. A 21 point Match...

8/16/2017

There are few rules to the 3-Man Shambles: The main rule is that each team must use at least 2 drives from each member of its group. The Golden Boys are: Martin, Duffany, Smitty, the Kisics and Bruce Romeo. These 6 will use the gold boxes ONLY.

"The Whites", teeing off only from the white boxes: Curmi, Smith, CJ, Celano, Reseigh, Celano, Jamie Benko.

"The Spartans" will use the Green boxes except on par 3's where they'll hit white: All Nicklaus & Palmer men including Don Taylor.

8/10/2017

Tonight the yearly SKIN$ game concludes, J.Kisic believes he owes DC $20. Winners on the back are Terry Smith on #18 and JR on #13. Still holding strong are CJ on #3 and Pendrick on #5.

Next Friday, the FINAL 4 will feature Randy Walla vs. the Nicklaus division winner, and Kevin Irrer against the Watson division winner. The rest of us losers will engage in the Annual 3-man shambles tournament. Among the early commitments: The Golden Boys (Rue McLanahan "John Kisic", Bea Arthur "Bruce Romeo", and Betty White "Smitty"). All will tee off from the Golden tee boxes. The new Lynch Mob includes Don Taylor "Mr. Green", Rusty "Mr. White", and Duffy "Mr. Gold."

Each team must use at least 2 drives per member during the round. Prizes and such will be awarded. More details to follow. All dues due, Thank You!

7/19/2017

Upon completion of Friday's play, the up-to-date, on-schedule Kramdenite will have played 13 matches. Those who will be short of that number include Zalewski, Szerlag, Mike Danlovich, Terry Smith, Martin, Zaydel, Dave Kisic and myself. Jhonny and Smitty will be short, but they don't care so they don't matter.

It is hoped that some of you will attempt to play early next week for a total of 18 holes, 2 matches. Please respond ASAP. Those who can't make it early will play our accustomed doubleheaders, 2 matches at a time, hopefully with your opponent in the same group.

Also in the short group will be Reseigh, Curmi, and BRIAN Duffany, who have scheduled upcoming absences in advance. Also, please stop by after your round Friday to go over any dates you will miss in the future, even if you have told me already, and to pick up any past winnings you may have missed due to your need to flee the league like a scorched cat after finishing your round.

Known Absences include: Duff 7/28, Josh and Curmi 8/4, Curmi and Jack 8/11, and Ken 8/18 and 8/20. The early rounds are how we are making up for the June rain-out, and we have used 16 of the 28 rounds we have paid for, and are fundamentally opposed to getting ripped-off. The May rain-out is toast. Historically, our gracious hosts at Salem Hills give us a free round per season which we originally used after the season, but the past two years they have allowed us to use it for league play, which is nice.

Kramden Konfidential/Attention Mark Szerlag: Recently I noticed you putting using "The Claw" grip. This might be useful if you had hours per day to experiment with, but as a thriving slum lord and orphan evictor, your days are full. Assuming you have not fallen victim to the dreaded "whiskey nerves" like our friend Mr. Lynch, a review of fundamentals is in order. While the other clubs should be gripped in the fingers, the putter is placed in the palms making it more responsive to the big muscles. Ten-finger baseball, over-lap or reverse over-lap are all fine grips depending on what feels best. Try to duplicate the grip you used in the good old "Plop" putter days. Quiet the lower body and head, keep your eyes still and wrist firm. Crush Randy!

7/10/2017

The early 16 players from last week were making up the washed-out round from June 30. We're planning another such early make-up next week, July 21. It is hoped that some of the 12 unable to play early on 7/7 will be able to play early 7/21. Let me know...

League members who are current and up-to-date with their schedule will have played 11 matches entering tonight. If you have less than that, some making up is in your future. There was talk last Friday of making up our first rain-out with 27 holes of play on Raccoon Classic Sunday, but as predicted by Mr. Lynch, Salem Hills was unable to accommodate us even though it was their man behind the counter who proposed the plan. Therefore, we're back to Plan A: Famous Final Four Friday with the infamous 3-Man Shambles Friday August 18, and the Raccoon Classic/Championship Match, Sunday the 20th. Those with dues money can trust it to Rusty, who runs the show this week as I am "Puddle Boy". Our beloved "Clown Posse" played all 9 holes from the wrong tees last week, so they've been placed into the joint custody of Terry Celano and Bryan Zaydel. Maybe "joint custody" has been the problem all along???

6/27/2017

Gentlemen -
We have played 7 Friday nights, and 7 nights remain to earn points to win your division. The August 18 evening of play consists of the Famous Final Four (a playoff between the division winners to determine the two finalists) and the infamous 3-Man Championship Scramble. Those are facts. But it is also a fact that historically, a division champion is determined after 17 nine-hole matches. It is also a fact that the Commish is a wizard at scheduling doubleheaders, as it is a fact that many of you detest doubleheaders.

And it is also a fact, that we like this league to appear to be democratic with everyone having a say on certain matters of concern such as this. I propose the evening of June 28 to play the bulk of the doubles (although Mr. Curmi & the Duff are absent, their matches can be scheduled some other time.)

What say you?

NEWS & NOTES: They say no man is complete until he weds. Then, he is finished. Nevertheless, we heartily congratulate Josh Benko on his recent vows, and hope this new distraction will lessen the ass-whuppings he has laid onto his division mates. He returns next week. Well done, Josh...

Terry Smith recorded our league's first eagle of the season on #18 last week. Eagles used to roost with regularity around here in past years with Bill Naubert lurking about with younger versions of Zalewski and "The Dans". Perhaps this will spark their return. And, of course, before my phone starts ringing, Jack Reseigh had an ace on 17, which is technically an eagle (2 under on a single hole )...

Finally, a number of letters that go something like this: "Dear Commish, I think I have a real shot at winning my division this season, is there any way you can schedule more matches against Rusty Lynch for me?"

Dear Randy, Smitty, Duff etc.: Lately, Rusty has, in fact, been a "Points Buffet", but like a cobra can he revert to form quickly. Many of you have heard about his birdie effort on #15 last week which turned into a 5 putt triple or his 4 putt double on #18, but while he has terrible "whiskey nerves", he is still hitting greens in regulation and can be dangerous. Who am I kidding? He's history !!!!!!!!!!

6/16/2017

As I told the USGA years ago, "We are not trying to punish the greatest golfers in the world, we are trying to identify them." Today you will play some of the toughest golf holes in your Kramden career, especially holes 4 thru 7. Then on 8 and 9, party time. There will most certainly be eagle chips and possibly eagle putts on 8 but the eagle can be evasive and your nerves shaky. Good luck to all.

It might be wise to note the tee boxes on your card before you tee off to keep your feeble minds straight. Disqualifications from the skins games will result from playing the wrong tee. Next week the 15th and 16th holes get the deep treatment, while the 11th and 18th move up. It is the belief of the USGA and your Commissioner that a golf course is a living breathing entity, always different due to weather, pin placements, and multiple tee boxes. WE are committed to Salem Hills for the entire year, and our golf is to play the course in its entirety.

Thanks for those dues payments strolling in. Next week, Gary Novak will make his first appearance since Opening Day and the recent passing of his brother. We wish him well, and look forward to seeing him again.

Golf is a mental game as well as a physical one. Freaking out is not helpful to your score, although it does amuse your playing companions.

Smith, Josh Benko, Zalewski and Curmi, no charge for skin$ tonight due to banking error in your favor. Apologies to Dan Cotter for poo-poohing him when he tried to point it out to me.

Finally, we are still playing the balls down, but you may rake the bunkers before and after your shot should you land there, as you have been allowed to do all season. Live the dream !!!!!

6/13/2017

The Ralph Kramden Golf League celebrates US Open Week with a rare perfect attendance night. The "Under Average" Jackpot has been expanded to the Top 4 places and you will notice each conference will use 3 different sets of tee markers.

The Kramden Conference (Nicklaus and Palmer) will use Blue, Green and White boxes. The Norton Conference (Player and Watson) will use Green, White and Gold tees. To keep this as simple as possible, we have limited cross-conference play to one foursome and they include 3 of our most brilliant players: Dave Kisic, Tim Martin and Mark Szerlag.

Also with more responsibility, Dan Cotter and Randy Walla who are charged with the movement of the Blue tees to their "deep" locations. Enjoy !!!

The Molson 3 Star selection committee hereby recognizes Josh Benko's fine round of 36 which included 2 birdies and a skin. Josh's 36 ties him with Pendrick and Wesche for 3rd best active round (scores used to determine your handicap). Zalewski is second with a 35 and Dan Cotter shot 34 with an eagle on # 8. Perhaps the eagle soars again tonight?

Terry Smith shot a spiffy 40, Curmi a 41, Brett Zoroya won his first match as a Kramden man and Brian Duffany has now won 3 straight. He faces former champ John Kisic tonight playing in the Puff Daddy cart. Four tight division races are shaping up and next week we head to the back 9. Remember to keep me informed of your travel plans and obligations elsewhere and also that those pesky league dues should be paid by mid-July. Looking forward to seeing another good crowd around the tables after play Friday, Good Luck !!!

5/2/2017

A day without Zaydel is like a day without sunshine... Bryan missed Sunday. Did anybody see the sun? He won't be there Friday either. Uh-oh.

Including 2016, our defending League Champion Jeff Pendrick is 18-2-2 in his last 22 matches. Friday, Mark Zalewski, as poised and focused and ready as any golfer on the planet, is his opponent. Tune in sports fans. Good Luck to you both. Pendrick won half his league dues during Terry Celano's Tournament of Champions for the low actual round of any qualifying Kramdenite who had won the league or a division in the past 25 years of the RKGL. Congrats!

The big winner of the day with the lowest net score was Mike Curmi, who also bagged a skin and a handicapped skin for a grand total of $280 cash American. Nice round Mike!

Other newsworthy cash grabbers included Tim Martin for a C2P on #17 and UA #2 backside, his favorite, and Chris Smith, a.k.a. Smitty, with a net skin on #12.

Finally this, from an anonymous Twitterer: The New England Journal of Medicine reports a noticeable drop of testosterone among men who retire from the RKGL citing the examples of Kevin Cotter who took one look and retreated and Glenn Jackson who bailed after the front nine. "THOSE WHO STAY WILL BE CHAMPIONS." The others run for cover listening to Phil Collins and preparing for the strap-on to be applied. (Editor's Note: Ouch, dont' get on the Commish's bad side... but this does explain why there are no cucumbers in the Clubhouse Salad)

2/19/2017

Greetings All,
I know nobody is thinking about golf yet, but when you do, here's some things of interest:

The first day of play is Sunday, April 30.
The first Friday is May 5 with play every Friday thru August 18.
The league concludes Sunday, August 20.
Sunday tee-times are to be determined by Salem Hills but you should plan on "noonish".
Friday tee-times begin split as they were last year, with a group starting 4:45 ish on the side opposite the main group, which begins 5:15ish until sufficient daylight.

The number of league members remains at 28, but Kevin Cotter and Glenn Jackson are stepping away as full-timers, to be replaced by 2016 super-sub Jimmy Walla and the relatively unknown Brett Zaroya. Welcome Jimmy and Brett. Kevin and Glenn will be present often.

Dues remain modestly priced at $450.

The season consists of 16 head-to-head match play events, concluding with the 4 division winners advancing to the Final Four, with the two finalists battling for the coveted league title of "Champion Golfer of the Year", determined with an 18 hole match during the Raccoon Classic, Sunday, August 20. Jeff Pendrick defends his title.

The 4 divisions:

NICKLAUS: Jeff Pendrick, Josh Benko, Mark Zalewski, Dan Danlovich, Dan Cotter, Rick Wesche
PALMER: Randy Walla, Joe Ranusch, Rusty Lynch, Mark Szerlag, Jimmy Walla, Brett Zaroya
PLAYER: Mike Danlovich, Jeff Balaka, Mike Curmi, Ken Anderson, Terry Celano, Chris Johnson, Gary Novak, Terry Smith
TREVINO: Dave Kisic, Tim Martin, John Kisic, Chris Smith, Jack Reseigh, Kevin Irrer, Bryan Zaydel, Jamie Benko

For the most part, same as it ever was, but be advised that the league is committed to the full usage of a variety of tee boxes throughout the year. Hope you are well and that we'll see many of you at the Novi Golf Show, March 10 thru March 12, and as soon as you know when you'll be absent, let me know. Should be a good one. Can't wait.

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9/1/2016

Congratulations to our 2016 League Champion, Jeff Pendrick.

8/21/2016

History notes that the fraternal lodge of our namesake, the Loyal Order of Raccoons, held a yearly two-man golf tournament fostering good fellowship and the numerous downing of beverages of the adult variety. Whereas, the beverage downing is optional, the good fellowship is mandatory.

Jeff Pendrick and Mike Danlovich have advanced to the League Championship Match. A reminder that the 21 point rule is in effect, two regular matches worth 10 pts. each and an extra point for the overall totals. For example, as Mike is getting 5 shots per side, should Jeff shoot 77 and Mike an 86, then Mike +10 would "cover the spread" and be awarded the 21st point. This "covering the spread" initiative has been the landmark legislation of the Jack Reseigh era. We congratulate and thank Jack a final time today on his splendid achievement, and look forward to crowning another deserving champ today. Good luck to you both...

With today's matches we will conclude our 25th season. Today's finalists won't know Legendary Lou Kopriva, Shaky Steve Champa, or the great Ron Lushia. They don't know about the lightning incident, the boycotts, the Martzolff Skewering, or the Geese Ruling. But we have had some times. Good and bad. And look forward to many more.

When you finish, return completed cards to scorers supplied by Salem Hills, pack a picnic and come watch the Final Match.

The purse for today's event is $500. In addition, the league champion will pocket $50 for his victory in addition to the $25 won for their semi-final win.

1st place will split $200. 2nd place will split $120. 3rd place will split $80. 4th place will split $60. 5th place will split $40.

Each player will pay traditional $10 entrance fee for a total of $280. In addition, the league will add $220 for a total of $500 for skins.

Tim & Terry, our generous benefactors, " Ask not what your golf league can do for you, Ask what you can do for golf league," supply $50 each toward our Par 3 contest making each C-2-Pin worth $25. Thank you Terry & Tim.

Divisional prize money earned throughout the year will be paid out by Mr. Lynch. To the bottom two players of each division, "Better luck next year. God loves you."

The Yearly Skins will also be paid by Mr. Lynch. All inquiries, whining, pissing and moaning should also be directed to Mr. Lynch. When in a hole, stop digging.

For a look at the yearly budget, also see Mr. Lynch.

Thanks everyone for a great season.

8/17/2016

The division winners are set. JEFF PENDRICK will face JOSH BENKO (+2.5), and MIKE DANLOVICH will face DAVE KISIC (+7.5). Jeff is a fine fellow who earned his stripes in the now defunct Topflighters League where he made Ron Fedokovitz look respectable. He is a big fan of white bread and Miracle Whip. The other 3 semi-finalists have distinguished Kramden family ties. Josh's father, Jamie, is a former League Champion, as is Dave's brother John. Mike's brother Dan is annually atop the money list, and was a league finalist in 2015. Good luck to you all.

The rest of us will engage in the annual Kramden 3-Man Scramble. The Palmers will hit from the white tees, while the Nicklaus play from the green tees. A minimum of 2 tee shots will be used per player. We ask for a minimum of stick-handling (club length), and that a ball not be improved from rough to the fairway or from fringe to green.

8/12/2016

Circumstances forced my early departure last week, but first thing Saturday morning I got the text. Jeff shot 36. Big deal I thought. Earlier this year Kevin Cotter (remember him?) shot 36 and Pendrick is just as capable... Whoa, Jeff Pendrick is vacationing with the family (re-hab / pills, coke). JEFF BALAKA? The guy who shot 56 the week before rebounds with a 36. Quite the enigma that guy. No wonder Rusty wants to caddy for him. Nice job Jeff. Hope you can recall how it happened so you can pull it off again. Congrats. After tonight's "position round", the Final Four will be determined and the Board of Directors will announce the teams for next Friday's Kramden 3-Man Scramble Championship. KC and Wesche will miss for sure. Any others???

8/10/2016

An interesting question arrived at the World Headquarters last week, "Is there anything going on with the golf league the weekend of August 19 and 21?" Well yes, there is. Our championship weekend featuring THE Raccoon Classic on Sunday, and the Final Four Friday featuring the infamous 3-Man Scramble Championship. This is the 13th mention of the event thus far which is a tremendous testimony to the effectiveness of our newsletter writer. Again please inform me ASAP if you will miss.

One heck of a battle remains in the Gary Player division where each of our past 3 champions, Jamie Benko, John Kisic & Jack Reseigh are housed. Defending champ Jack has completed his season with 86.5 points, a full point behind leader Kenny Anderson. Jack put up a spirited defense of his title. He will not repeat. Kenny plays the veteran Dave Kisic, who lurks half a point behind. John Kisic has been elevated from the Clown Posse this week as he faces Kevin Irrer, each one of them hoping to bludgeon the other and backdoor the leaders. Good luck to you all...

The other 3 division leaders have pretty good margins of comfort but must avoid the disasterous roofie being slipped to 'em before the round. Do you remember the Final Four from last year? Jack played Dan Danlovich in a memorable championship match, getting 16 shots, Jack shot a 93 to Dan's fine 78, but what about the semi-final failures? Jack defeated MARK SZERLAG, which a witness described as "a semi-suicide", and Danny dropped the infamous RUSTY LYNCH. Significant hangovers for all four of them this year, as 3 of them will finish no better than sixth, and one (DD) reaching as high as fourth. No one knows how grueling the championship match can be better than former finalist Mike Greifenberg, who returns to sub Friday, along with possibly future finalist George Sullivan. They will play with Lynch and Danlovich, playing for what remains of their pride. Oops, off to work, more later...

8/4/2016

As we work through technical difficulties at the world headquarters (likely ISIS related), please accept this abridged version, and remember to get your old-fashioned stat sheet on-site Friday. Now to the news:

Two herniated disks in his lower back have ended the golf season of the once-promising, now injury-prone Kevin Cotter. Our friend suffered the injury on the 15th hole last week, yet managed to birdie 16 and finish the round beating most of us while in debilitating agony. Suspects range between those awkwardly heavy blenders he pedals for a living, his beloved Medicus swing "improvement aid", and his dangerously frisky Mrs. We wish him a speedy and complete recovery as he enters into the same world of pain as his idol, Tiger Woods.

With next week being a position round of sorts, Tonight is a good time to make your move. The best division race is in the Gary Player, where 5 gents are crammed within 3 points of each other. The remaining 3 guys, like most of us, are now reduced to ceremonial golfing. Welcome to my world. Possibilities of drama exist in the Lee Trevino division, with a good night Glenn Jackson can get near Josh Benko for a meaningful match next week in the Tiger Woods division, but Jeff Pendrick has been the run-away leader in the Tom Watson for over a month. The only competition in that division is between Dan Danlovich and Mark Zalewski for Top Gun in the league. They have wagered a beer.

Once again, no acts of terror committed worldwide by any golf league member for yet another week. Keep the world safe, Join a league. Oops, I guess you have.

7/29/2016

In nature, generally speaking, large wooly mammals thrive in a cooler climate but not so Tim Martin (Martinosaurus Tim). Two weeks he broke his cherry with a win over Ken Anderson, and last week he not only won again but played an extra 9 holes to warm up. Poor Smitty never knew what hit him. The jeans and golf vest, "Old Blue", gone. Kramden Insiders reported seeing Martin at DXL, in the Summer Santa section. Of course we all know that his surge is tied to the release of a new Star Trek movie, and that Trekkie Tim is simply living long and prospering. Nice job old boy...

Five skins last week. Only one man displayed the guts and savvy to par the treacherous 11th, your beloved Commissioner. 4 other guys got lucky with some birds including both par 3s. One reason behind the continued use of the forward tees on the par 3s was to reinvigorate the closest-to-the pin contests so that actual measurements are taking place, and Jack and CJ made actual 2s.

Two birds on 16, Pendrick and Commish, cancelled Szerlag in the Yearlong while Josh Benko's bird on 12 didn't harm Zalewski, 'cuz Josh didn't enter the game. Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "it might have been". Sorry. KCotter #3, Danlovich #4, Zalewski #12. That's the list...

After winning The Open, Henrik Stenson called Sergio Garcia and encouraged him to keep grinding toward his first major, emphasizing that the Spaniard, at 36, is still 4 years younger than himself, who finally won his first 2 weeks ago. Henrik would make a fine Kramdenite. Another fine Kramdenite, Glenn Jackson, played a great round of golf with some clutch putting and scrambling, and knocked off Joe Ranusch in a Turnberry worthy match. As predicted, the Woods division comes down to the veteran Jax and Kid Josh. Good Luck to you both. The Player division is still up for grabs, as Dave Kisic takes some personal time after an ugly week. Breathe deep. Clear eyes, pure heart...

Some of you got in 27 holes last week, which is outstanding, but on a selfish note, after 6 hours at the course, we'd love for you to stop in for 5 minutes and say hi. The whole camaraderie thing. Also, all installment payments are now due. Thank you very much...

Along with the Walla Family of fill-in golfers, George Sullivan makes his subbing debut tonight. Many know George through the Coldwater Cooldown or through his Aunt Mary at the Post Office. All postmen are encouraged to prepare their favorite Inspector Sullivan tales and say hi. Welcome George...

Computer issues with stat page. Old school paper copies available first tee. See ya tonight.

7/22/2016

Back in week 6 Dan Danlovich warned us all, "If I can keep it going, look out for me." He may not catch Mr. Robot, Jeff Pendrick, but he's risen to the top of the money list; he's got the lowest handicap as of this week, and last Friday with a chip-in on number 4, he made the league's first eagle of the year. Once that particular cherry is popped, the first eagle of the season, I'd look for more soon. Congrats Dan...

Back in week 6, Randy Walla, who took a whopping 1 and a half that night, summed up the status of his golf game, "Everything's horrible." It would remain so until his record fell to 0 and 7 but since then he has rattled off 6 straight wins and looks to reach .500 when he plays Novak. Good luck to you both...

Speaking of streaks and cherry-busters, Tim Martin bagged his first of the year last week at the expense of the gracious Kenny Anderson. Congrats Tim and thanks for taking one for the team Kenny...

Glenn Jackson and Mike Danlovich rose to the top of their respective divisions last week and have opened decent sized leads as have our other division leaders, but anything can happen down the homestretch, which concludes with the August 12th Position Round. The Final Four is August 19, as the Watson winner plays the Woods winner and the Trevino champ plays the Player champ. The winners of those matches advance to the 18 hole League Championship Match during the Raccoon Classic, Sunday August 21, noonish. On the 19th, the rest of the league conducts the annual 3-Man Scramble tournament. On the 21st, the rest of the league, those not in the Championship Match, team up in teams of 2 for the Raccoon. More details to follow...

Added to the events tonight, a match between Player division leader Dave Kisic and the Prodigal Smitty, Chris Smith, who has been missed while on walkabout. Welcome back...

Also a belated welcome back to Jeff Balaka, who spent a couple weeks in Alaska and can now catch a salmon swimming upstream with his bare hands (or is it bear hands?). Upon his return last week, Jeff was one of 12 players who shot under their average. Congrats to KC, Walla, Curmi, MikeDan, Zaydel, Celano, Smith, DK, Jack, Jamie and Mr. Martin. Well done...

Entertainment news: Eric Clapton will appear on the new Rolling Stones blues album out soon, and Martin Scorcese is working on a new film starring Robert Deniro, Al Pacino, and Joe Pesci called "The Irishman" about a notorious hitman with alleged ties to Jimmy Hoffa. Sounds great...

Our parents used to warn us that nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m. With this newsletter, they are proven correct again. See ya tonight.

7/12/2016

"Oh, a storm is threatening
My very life today
If I don't get some shelter
Oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away"
                 Keith Richards

Damage was done. It's been quite a while since the league has been so exposed to the elements. At last count though, no casualties. We will rebuild and get back on track with the search for 2 deserving contenders for the league championship our primary collective goal. That, and not drowning!!!

The birdie made by Kevin Cotter during his evening exhibition match counted for the nightly skin game but not the yearly game. His skin on #3 still holds in the yearly game but faces a stiff challenge this week as the Palmers go gold and the Nicklaus go white on 3, 6 and 8. Other yearly skin$ include Zalewski on #12 and Szerlag on #16. No eagles this year, after almost 10 last season. Jack Nicklaus, ever heard of him, and the USGA recommend that players who choose to play a course over 6,400 yards, should hit their average drive over 275 yards. How many of us does that include these days, especially with no roll, and that's when puddles don't line the fairways. (Did they leave the sprinklers running last week or what? - Sorry, old joke, you had to be there.)

The USGA has had a pretty bad month as well. During the Men's U.S. Open there was a question as to whether Dustin Johnson deserved a penalty and the organization mishandled its method of informing him, then this week at the Women's Open something similar happened. Then the Chairwoman called the champion golfer by the wrong first name, Bethany instead of Brittany Lang, a Duke girl. Clearly, they trained me...

The Board of Directors will not let the yearly game affect its decision as to what tee boxes we play. Less than 25% of our tee balls are hitting the par 3's in regulation. When was the last time an actual measurement was made? And, especially after the usual delay on the tee shot, #3 averaged double bogey last week. Ponderous man...

A search of the archives from our mid-season break in 2015 revealed the following changes in averages : Curmi -2.5, Lynch -1.6, Szerlag -1.4, D.Kisic - 1.2, DD - 1.2, KC -1, DC -.8, CJ -.8, Jack -.6, JamieB -.6, J.Kisic -.3, Irrer -.3, Pendrick -.3, TC -.2, Zalewski -.2, Jax -.1 / Zaydel .4, Novak .4, JR .5, Walla .6, JoshB 1.2, Balaka 1.2, Smith 1.4, Martin 2.5...

Good News/Bad News: Traditionally, at the end of our season, the course awards us a free week of golf and many of us, but not all of us, can make it back on a Friday after the league has finished. So I proposed for the "free week" to be included in our regular season if we were able to pay off our contract in a prompt fashion, a.k.a. mid-July which we were able to do last week. Some installments payments are on the way but now we have an extra bundle tucked away which I had planned on using to boost up the already fabulous Raccoon Classic. That option is still on the table, but we could also spend it on division pay-outs or a simple $20 refund for all. Decisions are made by those who show up, so discuss amongst yourselves and with Rusty. By the way, I will be absent this week so please give Lynch all the love and respect he deserves...

Finally, the Olympic organizers are planning to distribute 450,000 condoms to the 10,500 athletes participating in the games which averages out to more than 2.6 condoms per day per athlete. That's how they should have sold Dustin Johnson on going to Brazil. Gives new meaning to the Olympic motto, "Faster, higher,stronger."

I've got Szerlag, Danlovich ,Curmi and Zalewski missing next week the 22nd. Curmi and Pendrick, the 29th. Pendrick and Josh the 5th of August. Also Terry Smith the 22nd and Novak sometime...

7/6/2016

After the mid-summer break the world famous Ralph Kramden Golf League returns to Salem Hills for the stretch drive of its 2016 season. 8 days remain in our 18 day year. The Raccoon Classic finale is Sunday August 21, noonish, featuring an 18 hole League Championship match worth 21 points between the two conference champions and 13 2-man teams competing in a format consisting of 6 holes of best-ball with handicap, 6 holes of alternate shot and 6 holes of a 2-man scramble. Friday August 19 is The Final Four in which the 4 division champs square off (Watson vs. Woods, Trevino vs. Player) to determine who will advance to The Championship Match. Inability for a division champ to appear will result in a forfeit of his match and a walk-over for his opponent. Friday August 12 is Position Round, after which the 4 division champs are crowned. During the 5 Fridays from July 8 thru August 5 we will conclude our regular season. While the stated goal has always been 2 matches against your division mates, there are cases where we will fall short.

The yearly skins game, the 15 and 16 Skin Game : # 3 Kevin Cotter / # 12 Mark Zalewski / # 16 Mark Szerlag... # 5 and # 7 virgins. No eagles yet.

Happy Fourth of July Birthday to former League Champion Golfer John Kisic. In 10 years, he'll be 69. hahaha Speaking of Kisic, his opponent in the most-watched finale of the league, a great sportsman and golfer, Mike Greifenberg returns Friday to sub. Since his loss, Mike has turned his competitive juices towards triathalons. Much less stressful than Kramden golf. Always a champ in our eyes...

Without further adieu as teased in last week's Standings update: Yes its true, a foursome of Kramdenites all missed the 17th green ( easy to believe ) but all saved par ( say what, incredible, you gotta be tongue-jacking my shitbox ! ) I shit you not. From the edge of the bunker LEFT of the green, GLENN JACKSON chipped up and made the putt! DAN DANLOVICH was in the LEFT bunker, splashed to 12 feet and drained an uphill putt. 5 yards short of the green, BRYAN ZAYDEL chipped to 6 feet and sank the toughest bendiest putt anyone ever saw. LEFT of Zaydel, MIKE DANLOVICH chipped long and sank a DOWNHILL putt. Not sure the Nobel Prize applies in this case but certainly a movie is in the mix. Congrats. Heroes all.

On a related note, Senior Kisic, Senior Cotter, Senior Benko and Josh all made 4's on 17 while Martin, Reseigh, Rusty & Ranusch all one-putted # 11. These guys are good! And not to be forgotten, the Clown Posse: Jhonny, Smitty, Anderson & Irrer went 3 4 5 6 on # 14, a baby straight. Completely fresh from Raccoon hangover, Dandy Danlovich 37, Impressive. And pulling his head completely out of his ass, Randy Walla 39. This course, these green tee boxes are not too tough for you sir. You a player! You my partner! See you at the Coldwater Cooldown. Many of you should consider making the 90 minute drive to Coldwater to participate in this fine 2-man team scramble event run impeccably by the 3-Headed Zalewski-Danlovich-Walla monster.

As I will be absent next week, and the dues were due the beginning of July, Friday would be a good day to settle up. The sub fund will reach $270 Friday.

We Get Letters:
Commish, I should be listed on the money list. I've won a whole $55.00 this year and I deserve to be recognized dammit ! Also, Why am I in last place. I'm tied with Novak, but should be listed first. I have more wins and a better average? This is total BS!!!
Dear Mr. Lynch,
You have done a remarkable job winning $55 and I apologize for not recognizing your greatness. I will correct that. The computer sorts the number in whatever fashion it chooses. I always assume because it is a computer, it knows more than I do. Is there something you'd like to confess? Nevertheless, you will get to settle all differences with Novak Friday. Good Luck.

Scientists call it "an a-ha moment." Drunks call it a moment of clarity. It occurs when the light bulb in your head goes on and what had previously been unknown is suddenly obvious. For example, Isaac Newton when the apple fell on his head or the guy who first looked at a cow and guessed that might be good to eat or the guy who first thought the same thing after looking at a pussy. Must have blown that chick's mind... Our friend Kevin Cotter had such a moment this weekend. Following a sloppy 48 Friday night, he awoke fresh Saturday morning at Idyl Wyld and announced, "My swing isn't my golf problem, my equipment isn't the problem, it's my drinking." To paraphrase Bob Seger, I thought to myself, shit, I've known that for ten years!... But we had a great day golfing, as we always seem to do. Love this game, love this league, and a few of you also. Good luck to all & keep me posted on absences, thanks...

6/24/2016

After 20 years and 400,000 miles, our great and good friend has parted ways with his beloved "Big Blue." No, not the golf vest. His old truck. Through all the days and nights of working 3 jobs, "Big Blue" always came through for Tim in the same way Tim has always come through for me, you, and the Ralph Kramden Golf League. Now in his retirement, only 2 jobs, Tim looks for victory number one today against Jack Reseigh, our defending champ. As Jack would tell you, Martin is a decided underdog, off the board is the term. Still, a good time will be had by all...

All is well in Danlovichville. Dandy Dan is back atop his rightful spot on the yearly cash list and Young Mike took a Royal Straight Flush and 4 Dueces in the Dueces Wild game at the MGM Casino and paid off his golf dues with plenty to spare. Installment planners, love ya, lets talk...

With 2 subs tonight, the sub fund will reach $225, which will make our Raccoon Classic even more exciting, if that is possible. The skin pot breaks down roughly : 45% Skins, 30% Under Average, 25% C-2-Pin. Good luck to you all.

HBO's excellent series Game of Thrones set pay cable television rating records this week with an awesome episode entitled "The Battle of the Bastards". Sounds like just another week around Salem Hills.

No golf next week. We resume July 8. Our 18 day golf season will have 7 days remaining after tonight.

6/17/2016

Happy U.S. Open week. Fox Sports televises the event, so we get Curtis Strange and Paul Azinger replacing Greg Norman, which is good news for the viewer because Greg never wanted to be too critical of the players, fearing a backlash against his tournament or clothing sales. And we get our annual look at Holly Sonders, whom we used to enjoy 300 days a year on GolfChannel. Now we get her this weekend, and eventually on their football broadcasts. Too bad they keep her chained up behind a desk...

Our sub fund, which is used to supplement the Raccoon Classic prize fund, will climb to $195 tonight and our annual goal of $300 is well within reach. For those of you using the installment plan, our final league payment is expected by the course during the first week of July, which is the real reason we skip town 4th of July weekend. No, seriously, bring something in, we can work it out. Keep me posted on upcoming absences.

6/7/2016

Twitter reports that "the world's most powerful sports commissioner is dead at 57." Cart girls everywhere weep. Cards and flowers arrive at the world headquarters. Rusty Lynch seizes power and names Smitty his right hand man. Nothing but smooth sailin' now, he concludes. Relax, I feel fine. Just a nap. I still have the golf league discount cards for many of you and the yearly skin$ jackpot is squirreled away. Nevertheless, impressively smooth transition of power. I celebrate my "near death" with the Crab Rangoon at Happy Garden. Good to be alive...

Also alive, your Detroit Tigers. Fulmer, Upton, McCann. This might be an interesting summer after all. Almost dead, the bromance of KC and DD. The Kramden Insider reports that trouble began during the week leading up to their first showdown two weeks ago. Danny started it, according to our anonymous sources, with a somewhat innocent taunt reminiscent of the great Ali. "I drive like a maniac and putt like a sonuvabitch, you're getting your ass kicked by Danny Danlovich." Or words to that effect. Kevin responded impressively and in true Ali fashion. He told Danny that unfortunately, business would require him to be out of town for the week and regretfully, he would be unable to play. So sorry. Flash forward to Friday. A moping DD, his guard down, his loins insufficiently girded, looks up from the putting green and here comes Cotter. Like Washington over Cornwallis, Grant over Lee, Martin over a bag of Doritos, the victory was total and complete. Kevin Cotter had employed the rope-a-dope to perfection. There are many ways to judge the influence of a man during the course of his lifetime, but Friday as you watch the funeral coverage of Muhammad Ali, remember how he truly shook up the world, even our little corner of it...

The aforementioned Skin$ Game of 2016 finds the aforementioned KC with a birdie on #3, the hardly ever-mentioned CJ with a birdie on #2 , the fabulous MarkZ (Zalewski) with a birdie on #12 and the equally fabulous original MarkZ (Szerlag)with a birdie on # 16. No eagles yet, birds on all the par 5's. #5 appears to be virginal, not the first time I've made that assumption, and I'm still piecing together the story of #6. Disputes? Bring 'em. I've been mostly dead all day...

Speaking of the departed, the divisional hopes of Dan Cotter are looking dim. He would need to double his point total today of 31.5 to tie leader Jeff Pendrick who takes Friday off to cool his hot ass self down. Before his KC match, DD cautioned "to look out for me if I can stay hot," and last week he had a league best 38 while other luminaries like Zalewski shot 43, Wesche 45, KC and JR, 48. The extra 100 or so yards we added for the blue tees seemed to take its toll but the back tee experiment is continuing though somewhat diminished. Only one blue Friday, #5, green for the kids conference; #3 will be white for the men and gold for the kids. Next week, #4 gets the blue/green treatment and #8 gets the white/gold look. Do your traditional advance scouting now...

8 days into our 18 day yearly schedule, some goods battles are brewing in all divisions. The Tom Watson leaders have played 10 and 9 matches respectively as Jeff prepares for his family summer vacation and Mark prepares for the Witness Relocation Program, so their "leads" are somewhat misleading, especially in a 6 pack fully of throat cutting, vicious assassins. Put a fork in Walla, Novak & Lynch. The blue, and even the green tees, are mind-fucking Randy as he sits on his comfy sofa sipping Vanilla vodka and Vernors with his lovely Colleen, contemplating the evil Commish's plot to derail his golf career. Like Walla, Novak is focusing on his thriving ambassadorial career as he finds himself relegated to the Palmer Conference more and more often, getting a picture on how the other half lives. Yes, the Clown Show awaits. Rusty is simply the league's points buffet. Step right up, take all you want. No resistance whatsoever. "Camaraderie, Yippee!" The Ralph Kramden Golfer of the Century, your beloved Commish, appears competitive this season in the Tiger Woods division but his century is 16 years past its expiration date. The real champion will emerge between the strapping Josh Benko, sired by League Champion Jamie, and the veteran with a newly re-constructed nasal cavity, Glenn Jackson. No cunning listics in that house for awhile...

Next week, our in-depth analysis, (he said anal, tee hee) continues with a look at the Palmeranians. With Hillary now the apparent nominee against the Donald, it appears I will have to enter the race after all, but I will wait until after the Raccoon Classic, Sunday, August 21. Until then, my vow of poverty and anonymity remains intact. The round table awaits your opinions after your round every week. Decisions are made by those who show up. Please do...

As for the stick-handling in your own fairway, it ends today. If you are in a divot, inform your opponent who will okay the improvement of your lie. Otherwise, PLAY EVERY THING DOWN

6/2/2016

As per round table discussion: All balls down except when in your own fairway. Roll'em within the distance of a standard scorecard. This protects against balls landing in divots and is a long-time pet peeve of Lynch, Danlovich, and Pendrick. In our league, the fringe is NOT fairway. Let it be.

For the record, Dan Danlovich is Danlovich. Mike Danlovich is Mike or MikeDan or Mike Danlovich. Terry Smith is Smith. Chris Smith is Smitty, as if anyone else could be. Jamie Benko is Benko or Jamie or Jamie Benko or "Champ". Josh Benko is Josh.

Also per discussion, remember the illusion of democracy and a voice for all, the flock considered that hardly anyone is beating their average, there are no eagles and precious few birdies this year, so why not make the course more of a challenge. Therefore, the Nicklaus will play all green, except for the blues they will get on holes #14, 15, and 16. The racist all-white Palmers will go for the green box on those same 3 holes. Remember, if it smells like fish, then its a dish, if it smells like cologne, leave it alone. Applies to nothing, just wanted to say it...

Batting averages are sinking in MLB, and most attribute that to the ban of performance enhancing drugs yet in our league, we encourage PEDs. (Performance Enhancing Drugs, not pedophilia. You know who I'm talking about.) You would think that since you don't believe in practice, or playing between competitions, or working out, or warming up, and most often are using performance deflaters like booze and pot, that you would mix in some steroids just for balance. Nevertheless...

It was Tim Martin who first used Viagara for golf some 20 years ago although many believed it was for the "prostate exams" he would perform in the cart barn after the round. In honor of the leagues' 25th anniversary this year, Tim is offering $25 to each and every hole-in-one shot this year in league competition. On a related note, I'm offering $25 for each supermodel I impregnate this golf season. The way you guys are playing, I'll be headed to the ATM long before Martin will. In addition to his long-time support of our Sunday Par 3 contests along with Terry Celano, we thank Tim and appreciate his newest gesture.

Great week in golf as Jack's Memorial tournament is this weekend with "The Big Three", Day, Spieth, and McIlroy all competing and all coming off wins in their last tournament. Should be almost as good as our "Big Game." The skins pot should approach $120 (depending on how many birds I make), the Under Average near $100 (see previous parentheses) and $25 or so for Closest-to-pin (depending on, you guessed it).

The exit door continues to spin at ESPN. First Skip Bayliss and Chris Spielman to Fox, then the great Mike Tirico to NBC where he'll get to do golf as well as football and whatever else he wants, and now Chris Berman will not be going back, back, back to the network after his contract expires.

In conclusion, our league is responsible for re-arranging the blue tees. Specifically, the first group, Danlovich etc. will separate the blues from the green, going back to the far tee on holes #14, 15 and 16. The final "Blue Boys", Zalewski and Wesche will return the blues to the green AFTER they play. The last sober group, Szerlag, Zaydel etc., will verify the proper re-placement. The Clown Show cannot, and will not, have any responsibility whatsoever, except to produce a proper playlist. The first time is somewhere between 5:15 and 5:30, like your taint is somewhere between your ass and ballsack. Be prepared.

5/27/2016

It's a Saturday afternoon. You sit down. A good group is teeing off the tenth hole. Interesting. Bamm! The next thing you know, that group is playing 18 and you're just awakening from a sound nap. We've all done something like this sprawled on the couch or "the big chair" but how about seated in the passenger seat of a golf cart and you are playing in a tournament called " Mike Curmi's Bogey Bash at Beacon Hills" and you are the host, Mike Curmi. A sound sleeper with a solid core who would not be bounced from his seat, Mike blamed his breakfast beverages for his drowsiness. In true champion fashion, he awoke refreshed and performed his hosting duties fabulously. The good news is that another Bogey Bash happens in the fall. Bring your pillows...

The day I shot 47 I knew I was in for a bad day when I dropped my clubs off at the bag drop and a bird swooped and pooped on my front seat. Nothing compared to Dan Cotter last Friday. Walking off the 11th green, not overly pleased, he threw his golf ball at the cart. What's the worst that could happen? Besides, that cart was asking for it. Well, perhaps it's a tribute to his throwing ability, the ball hit the neck of his driver and snapped the head off. Knowing Dan, it was a quality driver. "Anger can be costly at times," summarized friend and playing companion Dan Danlovich...

Danlovich, like others of the league, has bemoaned the lack of "a big game" as we have been sacrificing our love of gambling with our quest to see every league member finish their round. But happy days are right around the corner, as next week we all will be reunited on the same side, our beloved back nine...

Fresh from his victory in court before Judge Rusty in which his beloved music was decriminalized, and reasoning that since the league is an "obvious blend of golf and music", Smitty has petitioned the court to rename the conferences after Byron Nelson to honor the late golfer and Prince Rogers Nelson to honor the late musician. The court is not expected to take the case. Before the Judge now: Should a golfer who made a birdie in the April 17th match against Glenn Jackson have that birdie entered into the yearly skin game? (The first yearly update, next week, but no eagles so far, few birdies, although #11 already cancelled after Opening Day birds by Balaka and Irrer. The golfer who birdied hole #1 April 17? Your beloved Commish...

Lynch has declared the course fit enough to PLAY THE BALL DOWN. Are you fit enough? Only one player under last week. Should we move up? I think not but I'll listen to all viewpoints. Coincidentally, the 2 guys who won the under jackpot Friday were spotted on the range, hitting balls. Just sayin...

Confidentially, to Randy Walla ONLY, relax a tad and stop overswinging, hit a fairway and let your short game carry you. Remember you are smarter than 26 of the guys in the league...

Confidentially, to Rusty Lynch ONLY, your hatred of anything less than a perfect shot is costing you, as golf is a game of minimalizing your big mistakes or as Hank Haney calls "the big miss." Also, sometimes your putter has the "broken bat" sound, and that is not good. I have products that may help, reasonably priced...

Confidentially, to Jeff Balaka ONLY, Tiger Woods in his prime couldn't score with the equipment you haul around Salem. That rattle your driver makes, NOT GOOD. The Falcon irons, kinda small and unforgiving. You don't play or practice enough for such precise tools. See me, reasonably priced.

The Ralph Kramden Golf League opens it arms to golfers of all abilities. Hopefully there is enough quality competition to satisfy the good player and enough fun and camaraderie for the 24 or 25 of us who just like to play. The Board believes it important to keep up the appearance of a democracy and to give the impression that your opinions are welcome, so please, let us know.

5/22/2016

Tee times will be announced on Tuesday.

5/20/2016

Match of the Night : A pair of great warriors searching for their first win of the season, Danny Cotter and Randy Walla. Let's hope it's not a Joey Bautista-Roughned Odor situation. Loser gets Smitty...

Smitty is having a benefit at Buffalo Wild Wings on 6 Mile twixt Haggerty and Newburgh this Sunday for The Tears Foundation, a charity founded by the Smith's, benefitting families who have lost a young child as they did some 20 years ago I believe. Zaydel and I will be there watching the Tigers game most of the afternoon but you can sit with Smitty and have a good time. Carry-outs included. 20% of your tab goes to the charity. A good cause. Good guy. Golfer??

KC, Szerlag, Wesche and Dave Kisic absent tonight. Young Mike Curmi and Jimmy Walla sub. Good Luck to all

5/8/2016

During his rookie season of 2015, the face of Glenn Jackson was a pain to us all but now as he recovers from nasal surgery, the roles have been reversed, his face is killing him. Still he played, a doubleheader against 2 tough hombres, and shot a respectable 43. It was his first Friday of the year and we look forward to another season of his good camaraderie and smiling face... (and cigars possibly, please)

Also making his 2016 debut was Rick Wesche who thanks his stand-in, Don Taylor who filled in admirably on Opening Day. Trailing early to Dan Cotter, Rick rallied and with a birdie/skin on 18 clinched a tight match, 5.5 to 4.5. DC falls to 0 and 5 and will take this week off. Walla was dispatched 6-4 but returned to Kramden action after winning his hockey tournament in Canada behind the superior goaltending of Dandy Dan Danlovich who "stood on his head for us," according to Randy. Dan returns to the league this week following a desert vacation with Kevin Cotter. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Nick Zalewski, son of Mark, skewered the warm-up act last week on the front nine with 3 skins. The acorn doesn't fall too far from the tree. However, our research team reports and we have eyewitnesses to this, that Senior Zalewski, the great Mark took a triple bogey 7 on # 2 two weeks ago. No wonder KC beat him. Wait til I tell everyone about that, you stink... (Homer Simpson reference, much respect my friend, no reason to thrash me)

I caught a glimpse of it last week and it was spectacular,... glorious, a thing of beauty and if you were lucky, you saw some of it too. No, I'm not speaking about any portion of Miriam, the new cartwoman who comes to us from New Guinea via Hawaii, I saw what the golf game of Rusty Lynch looks like when he gets out of his own way and trusts himself. It was something and I was on the receiving end of it, losing 3 straight holes, 11, 12 and 13. Normally when you use the term "ballstriking" with Rusty, it involves a misstep on a rake but he had it all going on, til the alarm rang and the collapse, 6-4...

Perhaps Judge Rusty had other matters on his mind. Brother Novak has made the point regarding Christopher Smith, that the USGA prohibits the use of music during tournaments because it "serves as an aid to the golfer's game." You may remember that Smitty had been "banned for life" by the Commish for violation of the league's drug policy, to wit, having drugs but not sharing. With the Commish absent one day last year, Judge Rusty lifted the ban ruling that "Smitty's arms were too short too pass anything." There were no dissenters. Friday, Judge Rusty ruled "that nothing can aid Smitty's game," and let the band play on. There were no dissenters. However, Chris did finish tied for third under average, +.5, and won five bucks. Just sayin'. It might be the playlist...

Plenty of dissent regarding pace of play, a common complaint going back to the Brae Burn days, and appropriately also because the league we follow now is the same league we followed there and then. Discussions and suggestions from us and Jim Grant and his staff have been forwarded to my counterpart in that league ( as if there could exist a counterpart to me ) and improvements will hopefully occur. However, as Ronald Reagan would advise, "trust but verify." Therefore I am requesting another week of split play and possibly two weeks before reunification. A hinderance but I believe a necessary one. You will note on the Standings and Results page you are about to receive, there is no schedule of matches as I will be contacting individuals to see who can play at the early time, 4:42 and 4:50, on the backside. Those able to participate early, hopefully some of you who are getting sick of the front 9, let me know. Also more stroke control has been applied and all shall be determined by Tuesday or Wednesday after talks with Salem. Be well...

5/6/2016

Back from the dead this week: Jon Snow and Rick Wesche. All is right with the world. Still alive: The Back 9 Skins from last week have been carried over resulting in a $5 service charge for those not included last week who wish to play tonight. Wesche, Walla and DC are included in this group. Don Taylor is unable to appear as scheduled so we have a 3some. If you 3 are ready, you may lead-off the backside. With adjustments from stroke control and whatnot, Walla gets only one from a rusty Rick. Glenn Jackson ( best 8 of 16 rather than 10 of 16 ) gets 2 from Zalewski and 1 from Pendrick in his doubleheader tonight. Novak plus one and a half from Josh Benko.

The Cotter Family Mojo: For years the only Cotter in this league worth a poop was Dan, a skin-cancellin', 34-shootin' , league Finalist. Kevin just boot-scooted along, a well-dressed slacker. "The bums will never win sir." Things have changed. Kevin is undefeated with victories over the great Zalewski and the fading Commish while Dan is 0 and 4 with a previously scheduled week off next Friday. Perhaps there's only so much magic in one family?

Did you know that Saturday's favorite in the Kentucky Derby is named after Detroit Red Wing Gustav Nyquist? The owner had previously named horses after Zetterberg and Lidstrom or as Rusty Lynch calls him Linstrom. On a related note, I have pillows named Mila Kunis, Elle MacPherson and Natalie Wood.

Attention Trunk Slammers: God bless those of you who have to get home before the street lights come on but I have League Rate cards for you courtesy of our host and pro, Jim Grant. Along with a discount, a free beverage is included. See me. Not you Jhonny! Next week, we all play the front 9. Re-united, and it feels so good. Thanks to those who helped out by playing the front the past 2 weeks as we race nightfall on the back. "Ask not what your league can do for you, Ask what you can do for your league."

4/29/2016

Camaraderie and competition. You've all read your Ralph Kramden Constitution. The league was formed to blend camaraderie and competition and we have really great camaraderie and that's the most important thing. To make things a little more challenging for the upper division wolves, "to whom much is given, much is expected", the Nicklaus Conference will be using a mixture of green and blue tees for the foreseeable future starting with all green tonight. Eventually,( May 16), we will be moving the blue tees back to incorporate them into our game for the upper divisions. The Board believes this will make the Skin$ and Par 3 games more fair and competitive for all. Plenty of gold tee boxes will also be in play this year.

From last season the league has carried over $400 for the "Yearly Skin" which was all square in 2015. Those who wish to re-enter the game this season can do so for the sum of $5 American. Newcomers to the league, or the suddenly more confident doubters from last year, can play for $25 American. From the tips or from the gold, a skin is a skin.

The Championship Match, which is theoretically the only match Nicklaus vs. Palmer conference, is now worth 21 points. Two ten point matches like we play every round and an extra point for totals. The Board believes this will make the competition more fair and exciting for the participants and viewers alike. Naysayers, and the Board knows who you are, will say "Stroke and distance, not fair". While the Board loves and respects its naysayers, the Board contends that this is how things are done in the real world, country clubs and big money games and that by taking this blue-green tee box stance early in the year, we are giving enough time for the handicaps to adjust to the new reality. Try it, you'll like it. If not, we can discuss. As always...

The Rick Wesche issue remains up in the air, we are not certain if his back issues will allow him to play so we may need a new guy. Put on your thinking caps as we expect to hear from Rick within the next week. Lift, clean and place again tonight. "Decisions are made by those who show up." It's a line from "The West Wing." The things we do or try and discussed by those at the table. If you want a voice, join the table. If you got to slam the trunk and go, that's fine too but all voices are welcome. Smitty will make a tape. Bundle up, see ya tonight.